For the Guy with Kids and a WW 11

[hopeful4her]

karen, I have been up and down lately, and that is my fault. My breaking down has been mostly when I leave my girls off or talking to my D11. Kills me. I have been getting stronger concerning myself.

What completely threw me for a loop was GBG emailing me.

I actually feel very clear headed. I can't help the circle of friends that I have. I do not plan things with them. I have gotten invited and I have gone along.

If I wanted to do something, I would have a long time ago. Ya'll know the opportunity has presented itself. Its not what I want. I want my GBG to snap out of it and come backbut she is way too stubborn to listen to me or anything I tell her. If I push her on anything, the wall and the defenses come up.

"I am not sure I want to go that route right now."

I'll take that as hopeful for some day. I'll keep working on her somehow.

To her, I am her enemy. She feels guilty? GOOD! She should.

I don't, because I am not doing wrong. Are they attractive? Yes. Am I attracted to them? Yes. Am I going to jump them? No. Am I a man? Yes, so I have guy thoughts. But I don't act on them.

Dub, my thoughts and my actions are two different things. Sometimes I let my thoughts wander too much, but I can control my actions. Always have. You know I post my thoughts for a reason. To get them out. It helps me keep myself accountable, so don't get too frustrated with me. Remember, I told you that your right there in the back of my mind, too. My little voice of reason when I might need it. You underestimate me.

kat, I do plan on going to the bar by myself tonight. Looking forward to it, actually. A band that GBG and I used to go see is going to be there. I think that would be another checked off my list. I guess that IS big for me.

Now if you could just go with me to THAT. How cool would that be?

[kat727]

That would be a big step for me and awesome too! When are we going to go see The Hulk?

kat

[hopeful4her]

It would have to be by Saturday night. Pick up my girlies on Sunday for the week and next weekend.

But I'm ready when you are.

Not this weekend but next(unless your open tomorrow). Start looking for a place to go hear some live music. You choose the music. Jazz, rock, blues, whatever. Bar, club, coffee house.

We're going.

I'm leaving work already and heading out. Let ya'll know how it went tomorrow. Hey, and GBG called me a bit earlier. Something about if I'm taking the girls to that party tomorrow or not. Her work is asking if she can work tomorrow for a little while. I told her its up to D11. She needs to know RIGHT now because they are asking. I have to work tomorrow too, but my mom can watch them if you need. Said she would call me back later. She hasn't yet.

She'll probably call when I'm at the bar with the music blaring. Too bad for her.

[fightingirish]

hfher... Hey have a drink and a listen for me would ya??

I would love just to go out one night alone... Enjoy it!

[kat727]

My bookclub moved the movie watching to Sunday, so I might be able to. Check back in the a.m. if that isn't too late for you to decide.

kat

[attorneytom]

It would have to be by Saturday night. Pick up my girlies on Sunday for the week and next weekend.

But I'm ready when you are.

Not this weekend but next(unless your open tomorrow). Start looking for a place to go hear some live music. You choose the music. Jazz, rock, blues, whatever. Bar, club, coffee house.

We're going.

I'm leaving work already and heading out. Let ya'll know how it went tomorrow. Hey, and GBG called me a bit earlier. Something about if I'm taking the girls to that party tomorrow or not. Her work is asking if she can work tomorrow for a little while. I told her its up to D11. She needs to know RIGHT now because they are asking. I have to work tomorrow too, but my mom can watch them if you need. Said she would call me back later. She hasn't yet.

She'll probably call when I'm at the bar with the music blaring. Too bad for her.

When and Why wont you self focus ? This has nothing to with the Bible or anything else.. Just YOU my friend.,

AT

[hopeful4her]

Well, although the music was good, that was not as fun as I had hoped. Going to a bar alone kinda sucked. Too many couples, too many groups of people. Mixed groups, groups of ladies and groups of guys. All drinking too much and basically hitting on each other. Kinda weird to watch. Something that needs to be done with a friend or something.

I actually came home before I went out. Made myself something to eat and had a couple of beers. Heading out, I call D11 to say goodnight before she forgets to call me. She doesn't want to go to the family thing, so I won't see them until Sunday.

kat, so far I'm open to whatever.

AT, I just can't seem to NOT love my wife. So there's the rub. That being the case, she is in my daily thoughts. Not a constant thought, but a daily thought. Somewhere, somehow something triggers it.

Like tonight. I went out for myself. I wasn't doing it for her. On the way home however, I thought about her. The fun we had doing the music thing. To get home, I have to pass her apartment. To get to work, the grocery store, the video store, anywhere... I have to pass her apartment. I call my girls and I can hear her in the background.

I am still married to her. That won't change until she divorces me. This past August put us at 14 years.

And I believe the bible is a guide for life.

[lost_in_space]

AT, I just can't seem to NOT love my wife. So there's the rub. That being the case, she is in my daily thoughts. Not a constant thought, but a daily thought. Somewhere, somehow something triggers it.


I am still married to her. That won't change until she divorces me. This past August put us at 14 years.

H4H

Man can I relate to what you said. It will be 18 years for us on Sept 29 and she has concert tix with one of the EGF (no big deal, just another turn of the knife in the heart).

I think the key is to realize you do love your wife - that likely will not change because your heart won't let it. BUT you have to love YOURSELF as well. I struggle with that - I am a giver, not a taker - but I keep reminding myself that if I do not love myself, I can't really love anyone else.

Take care. Enjoy the weekend.

[kat727]

I just checked and the Hulk isn't playing anymore. Darn it. Do you have another movie in mind?

kat

[hopeful4her]

I think the key is to realize you do love your wife - that likely will not change because your heart won't let it. BUT you have to love YOURSELF as well. I struggle with that - I am a giver, not a taker - but I keep reminding myself that if I do not love myself, I can't really love anyone else.

Yeah, I hear ya. I haven't stopped loving her. I wish I could, but I can't. I have even told her this before. It would make it so much easier if I could just turn it off.

I can't.

Funny thing is that I AM feeling better about myself. My self esteem has sucked for years. My family and friends have helped with that.

I am a giver. And a rescuer. Always have been. I gave, she took.

I really like the person that I am. Maybe I don't love myself, but I really am a great guy. I have a lot to offer. I give my love freely and am a great listener. People always ask my advice
and I am a great friend to have.

And I love being a dad.

Okay, in the past 10 minutes, I have gotten two emails from her and spoken to my D11.

Just to bore ya'll, she sent:


"Good Morning,
I should be getting out at 10:30 can you check on the girls, my phone doesn't work right now"

I sent:

"Hi.

That was quick. Not even worth the gas, huh? I'll give them a call right now.

Enjoy your day."

I called my girlies. She sent back:

" I'm at La Cantera helping them test some programs, not worth the gas, but worth the time and a half, are they ok?"

So I sent:

"Uh, stay longer.

I just go off the phone with Amanda. They're ok. She had a pop tart and Juli had some cereal for breakfast.

Amanda already wants lunch. Steak? I told her to wait. Have a bowl of cereal. I got the usual whine. She's being silly."


Exciting stuff, huh?

Her phone doesn't work? Her cell? Her work phone?

Doesn't make sense to me.