I'm back after a long absence

[123snap]

Hi all, thanks again for the support, it is a life saver some days.

We had a bad day yesterday. H was still short in the morning and I met him at the counselors and we started in. He is still very bitter about the past, he isn't letting go of any of it, and he doesn't trust that changes I have made are permanent. He did admit that we have really only been having real conversations about our R and the past in the last couple months. H is angry about things like my R with his mother, and it is plain at this time he is choosing her/siding with her over me. Fine, I don't agree with his perceptions that all of this is coming from me in that regard, but I am not going to get him to see that. I will just have to decide if I want to win that arguement or be married, or at least that seems the extreme he was at.

When we got home I was doing the usual mind going a 100 miles an hour and couldn't relax to sleep, so I woke him up to ask him if he wanted to go to the family reunion alone this weekend, he woke up and answered no, and then things got awful. He couldn't get back to sleep, he was so angry with me, essentially said I woke him up on purpose to wreck his sleep. I defended myself and pointed out to him that I used to work pm shift and get home at midnight, and he would wake briefly and then go back to sleep, and the kids wake us occasionally, and again he goes back to sleep, how was I supposed to predict that he wouldn't just go back to sleep again like usual. I don't think he bought it. He was so negative, so angry.

Then he said he didn't want to go back to the counselor anymore because he felt that she was taking my side, and picking on him. He accused me of not talking about his issues with my counselor, I reminded him that I talk about me, and him in terms of me with my counselor, I don't know what he meant by that, what he is expecting me to say differently, I have taken ownership of the mistakes I have made in the past, and I have apologized for hurting him. He makes it seem like that isn't enough and will never be enough. However me feeling hurt doesn't seem to matter, I won't even go into the whole affair, which he is now brushing off as a symptom of his anger and unhappiness with me, not something he did of his own accord. yeah bud I made you do that.... don't even start with me on that one.

I don't know, he had an individual appointment with his counselor so hopefully he got some perspective. At no time did the MC ask him to agree with me, just to acknowledge that my perspective was different, but mine. Apparently it has to be only his way, he has labeled me the bad person, I am all at fault for everything in his mind, he was the saint who gave and gave and never got anything back. Never mind how many times he rejected me for porn on the internet, never mind how many times he choose to clam up instead of pushing for something he needed, that is all my fault and I should shoulder all the blame.

He has me so angry right now. I don't know how this evening is going to go. I think my best bet is to avoid him and avoid an arguement until we have both processed a bit more. Don't feel a lot of hope right now. Don't want to give up, but don't have any fight left in me today.