I took my S12 back to the east coast for a 3 city tour and some baseball games. It was a great trip, but we are worn out. My D9 stayed with W all weekend. I think she feels a little left out. She will get her opportunity to travel with her dad too.
I did received a txt from W while we were gone in regards to our trip and a token 'are you guys having fun?' I only replied with time details, etc, and nothing about our experiences. I felt put off by the text.
One of her complaints to a friend of mine was that she wanted to travel more. It seems she will be able to do less of this now that she's by herself. Wonder if she's noticed how much travelling I have been doing with the kids. She never mentions anything.
So today, my d9 called immediately this morning to have me take her down to school. I went over to pick her up at W house. W came outside, but was focused on D9, wouldnt look at me, nor hardly have a conversation at all. It's impossible to say something nice to someone that ignores you. She asked when I was bringing her back...she then replied that she had a ton of work to do and all I said was 'thats what I figured'...she got really defensive about it. Its her normal act to push her kids off onto others for her own benefit. She does it all the time. Thus, I'm sure she encouraged my daughter to call me up so I could take her down to meet her teacher. I think D9 loved it, but I doubt W would let me do it if she wasnt busy. She has always said she 'did everything' for the kids, which isnt true.
I just dont understand how she cannot even look at me, be so cold, etc. Drives me nuts. Her choice is obviously bothering the kids, but her mantra has always been 'the kids will be fine'...when they are not.
Tostada....for what it is worth, do you think it would be easier if your W was nicer to you? When my W wass less cold, it tended to bring my hopes up and the next thing I thought about is why is she doing this? I have been reading alot of other threads lately...what strikes me is that LBSs need to really move on and turn the page before the WAS turns around a little. Of course some WAS have that famous wall up so regardless of what we do, their mind is madeup. So where does that leave Tostada? Turn the page.....I know (believe me) it is effen difficult.
I think it would be easier to be much more friendly to her, complement her, and those types of things if we actually interacted. She wont allow herself to interact. I wonder if she's doing that for some reason. She has no reason to hate me. I have tried to turn the page in my interactions with her the best I can. It doesnt seem to effect her in any way.
I have tried to show her that I can GAL, be busy, be a great dad, give her space, be more independent, not bother her or probe her about her life, take good care of my house, etc. Yet, not one spec of interest from her. I know I'm a good person and a great dad and that I deserve much better treatment than this.
I guess her mind is made up no matter what I do. It's hard to see her so cold to me. I just dont understand I guess why I'm here. The pain in her kids doesnt even seem to effect her. She's blind to a lot of stuff, mainly her selfishness.
I hear you about the selfishness my friend....that is a common thread around here....I know they have guilt but fight it constantly. Perhaps at some point, we need to slowly find someone else who will appreciate us for the good people we are.
Hi Friend, I took a couple of days off from the bb. Trying to catch up to see what's going on.
Well your wife seems to have that wall of resentment built up very high righ now and it is going to take a long time before she will trust you enough to start taking a brick at a time down. I don't know your personality type, but are you the type that can kind of joke or be playful in spite of the situation? If not, then that will not work with her since she is in the frame of mind that she is in right now. She is too resentful for any type of playfulness. The first step will be to try to build a "friendship" before trying to do anything else. Like you said, that is hard to do when she won't even look at you or talk to you.
The mind and mood swings of a WAW is so unpredictable that it will drive you crazy trying to figure it all out.....so for your own peace of mind....don't do it. They don't even know their own minds.....believe me, I've been there. One hour it is one way...the next hour it is another.
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It's impossible to say something nice to someone that ignores you.
Yes it is, but maybe you could talk to her sort of "through" the child, like saying "your mom sure looks nice today, doesn't she?" But, if mom is acting like an a$$, then it would not be the right time to say anything like that. However, don't do this either.........
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She asked when I was bringing her back...she then replied that she had a ton of work to do and all I said was 'thats what I figured'...she got really defensive about it.
Of course she got defensive, and you would have known she would if you had just thought before you spoke. We all do that, don't we? She reacted out of her resentment and hurt. Yes, she is hurt, even if it doesn't come across to you as being seen as that. She feels that she did not pass the "wife" test in your R, and you did not fulfill her emotional needs......so she thinks its hopeless and to move on is the answer.
Don't give up. I know you are hurting too.....very badly. If only you could learn to detach emotionally from her, you could have more peace. LBS say that is the hardest thing to do, but once they are able to do that, then the peace comes, and eventually even some happiness starts to work its way into their lives. I pray that will happen for you either way the M goes.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I appreciate all the support I receive on this site. I am not so good at posting on other sitch's, just because I dont feel much confidence in what tips I could provide since I am most likely the poster boy for the worst DB'er still active here. I wish I could help everyone else, but I dont want to screw everyone else up too.
As for me being 'light' with my W during these times, I certainly can. The challenge is getting into a situation where we actually interact. I knew I blew it right away when I said 'thats what I figured' to her. Whats amazing is her friends and even her father recognize her bizarre selfish behavior. I havent asked them to say anything, but they have all said to me that they can do nothing about it. It pisses me off that no one close to her will confront her or challenge her. I'm the only one I guess.
I have basically pulled back bigtime from her, not calling or asking anything and responding to her emails and texts with just basic info. The reason I chose this route is because before she moved out, I was trying to be extremely nice and cordial regardless of the situation. She continually had stated she 'needed her space' and felt that I was always looking over her shoulder. So, I decided when she moved out, I would completely back off. I have, but I'm no where near where I want to be right now. I dont think it's worked for me.
Whenever we would have a R talk, there were always different excuses, plenty of reasons why we werent good for each other. I finally realized they were all bogus, because they were always different. However, I have found a couple issues that seemed to filter through these reasons. One is she didnt think we were best friends and she couldnt tell me everything that she might with her best friend. She didnt think we communicated very well. And, she thinks we are just too different. The first one I can understand as an issue for her, but, for me, I think it's o.k. for women to confide in their friends sometimes differently than their H. But as for us being too different, I dont buy that one. This has been proven by what we have been doing without each other. Most of it are the same activities.
The biggest thing in putting the puzzle together is I dont think she really felt 'loved' by me. I hate this because I love her to death, but I guess I was terrible at showing it and I couldnt make her feel it coming from me. I failed here. I wish I had another chance.
When you put all these things together, probably backing off and not communicating, not showing love for her, might have added to her fire.
Today I backslid a little. It's my trend I guess. I cant be patient forever and any sense of doom just topples me. It started when I got a note from my attorney. W had contacted her attorney and it came through to me that I wasnt following through on our taxes. Anyway, I emailed her and said I didnt appreciate what her attorney had said and that it was not true. She denied saying what her attorney emailed, and wished we could do all this w/o the lawyers as she is just throwing money away left and right. and...she "honestly didnt think we had anything to fight over anyways, do you?" I took this as an opportunity. I guess an Opportunity to backslide a little.
I replied back something to the point on the taxes and that I delete the nasty emails anyways. As for point #2 in her email, I just stated 'thats the point, we dont have anything to argue about. And...I cant make you want to, but if there was change between us in two areas (me +1), I think you would be glad you did'.
I know, let me have it. kaboom.
I figured it was a vague response and she is probably wondering what the hell am I thinking the two areas are. I wrote it that way on purpose. But, I dont have a reply from her.
My next issue is her birthday. It's next month. I was reading on here that one way to break the ice is with a card and a nice note and perhaps something simple in the card. I was considering putting in two tix to Phantom of the Opera. She can do whatever she wants with these. But the message is clear. A song from that show was sung in our wedding. This may be a little strong, but it's what I want to do. If she goes, she will get the message. I would hope its with me, but I doubt it.
Im not giving up, but damn, I hate being rejected.
w just sent me a long email about vacation time w/ the kids and the upcoming school calendar. she wants to figure it out without the lawyers. the dates go all the way through next spring. our D would be final in December, so I hate this email she sent me.
here's my proposed response. get the 2x4's ready.
'Id love to eliminate the L's entirely and we both get these dates.
All I can say is 'what if?'. I'm sorry for not doing what I think I didnt do. I just didnt know. You may have told me somehow, but I didnt get it. I didnt work at us, I know that and hate that. You have no idea what you mean to me. There has to be some wonder in your mind that 'what if he got it?'. You dont think I'm capable. I think I certainly am.
You loved me for who I am, just not how I recently was. 'Was' for sure. I dont want to start over with someone else. You know this, I want to start over with you.'
