Ground Hog Day WAW #18

[missmyfriend]

Phil, same here -- I'm a Systems Engineer/Admin, sometimes manager

You know, reading what you have said about the challenges with changing so much about yourself, it can be overwhelming and hard to stay consistent, only to fail. How about focusing on one thing you want to change. Not several things but one thing and change it. Don't do it for a reaction from your wife, although you may get one. And stay consistent. Don't worry about the details. If it is to stop saying I love you, then stop saying it. I know that if I felt I wanted proof that someone loved me, I would say I love you in order to get them to say it in return.

So instead, if she wants to tell me she loves me, she does. If she does, I hear what she says and truthfully and consciously reply "I love you".

Or change the way you text. Do not go into any details and only respond to her by text when she texts with a short, yes, no or I dont know (if it applies).

The focus is to short circuit the drama that is existing and avoid compounding the problem. But do it little by little. Don't try to frustrate yourself. Changing one thing at a time can become a real and permanent change. Eventually you will realize you needed the change more than anyone.

Phil, if you had an issue with a server, where the application it was hosting kept hanging, would you keep rebooting it day after day? No, I am sure you wouldn't.

You would probably feel that repeating the same thing day after day isn't changing anything. It is still broken and unreliable. And what is the best way to diagnose what is wrong? By changing a bunch of settings or configurations or by changing one thing and seeing if it helps or not? Plus, the best thing is to troubleshoot what the problem may be before jumping in and making wholesale changes. Review the logs. Go into the event viewer and see if it is a system or security or app or check the cron jobs to see if it is having a deleterious effect.

Even though the user is complaining about their application not working, they only know it isnt working. They dont understand why it isnt working and they will blame you if you dont fix it. They arent completely wrong because it is our job to fix it.

But it isnt completely their fault. We need to fix what we can fix. Not them. We cant fix the user. And yelling at the user doesnt fix the problem. All it does is further alienate the user and you are less likely to resolve the problem unless someone else forces you to or you are forced to leave.

I look at the user as my wife, the systems admin as myself and the server as my actions/words. I cannot change my wife but I can affect my actions or words. I am not sure exactly what is wrong with my actions or words but I know that it is seriously impacting my wife (user). I can either fix my server (actions/words) or I can look for a new job (marriage). Personally, I like my job, and I used to be friends with the user so I would prefer to fix the server so the user and I can like each other again.

Make one change, Phil.

Be consistent.