Listen to fig and Barbie! Go dark. Don't call him to see how he is. Don't tell him what you are going to do. don't tell him what you are not going to do. Start getting a lifle for yourself. If you want to do something, figure out how to do it without him. In fact, MAKE yourself do something without him, that you would never have done before.
It's going to be hard for him to get used to the idea that you can be an individal, he is so used to controlling you. But it isn't healthy for you, or the marriage to go on like that. (It isn't working, right?) If he is willing to see it, he will wake up to see that a marriage of two people can add up to more than the sum of its parts, right now it is less, in fact it is probably less than either or its parts.
You can't help him to see this, really. You can't do anything to directly change his attitude. But, I think that as you change your attitude, he can see that he would be happier with a woman that he can respect than a doormat. And (this part might hurt), if he doesn't see that, I'd have to say that you might be better off without him.
As far as contested or not, talk to your L. Don't decide that based on emotion. That part of the "deal" is a business proposition. From what I've read in other sitches, control freak H's like to try to force their W's into uncontested D's so they can take advantage of them. So be very careful. I think that if the M is going to recover it really doesn't matter which path you are going down, it is a seperate issue.
(((((poet)))))
I'll try to stick around! Poke me with a stick if I seem to forget! Soemtimes I'm a bit ADD!
You are a really lucky girl. You are getting some of the best advice on the boards. From some of the smartest posters. Every person here has given you really helpful info. Because they care. And they've learned from experience - some of it the hard way.
Now, only attempt to do it one day at a time. So make yourself promise not to contact him for the next 24 hours (tommorrow you make the same pact with yourself). And you must make yourself do something on your own. Even if it is just going to Starbucks to get a coffee and read a magazine - DO IT!
And the rest of the homework assignment is to come here and post to us HOW it is going/went. Because we care. And we know how hard it is. But the sooner you do it - the sooner the healing will start. Trust me on this one.
Hope your day is going well. Count your blessings. Many people care about you. I'm one of them,
You are sounding so good and getting stronger. Try not to figure him out, because he doesn't even know which end is up right now. The what does that mean and why would he do that are only a way to frustrate you right now. HE doesn't know what he means or why he does things right now. He's just firing on emotion.
Blackberry merlot to you girl!
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
OK, I just got home and read about 12 posts from all you guys and girls. Thank you so much for the support and encouragement. I will say that tears were streaming down my face as I read everything. I'm in so much pain, dernit! It almost unbearable -- kind of like the feeling of getting clawed to death by some large bear who is going for my guts. But, I'm still standing (I wish someone would explain to me what "standing" or "a stander" is).
Anyway, I went to see my friends this morning who live in Georgia. They are here for only one day and they are moving to Athens. I have not seen her in over a year, and him in three years. He's a Baptist Minister, and they are missionaries.
Ester was reprimanding me for how I have been reacting to H. She knows him and she said that the "...only thing I can keep thinking about is how lonely he was." WTF! He was married, for cripes sake!
She wanted to hear about me but then when I started telling her, she was called away from the conversation and that was the end of that. I got pretty depressed standing around, so I left after a half hour.
Stopped by my other friends hair dresser's shop but she was busy with customers and said she'll call me later. Then I went to the bank and withdrew $1,500 to get me through the next two weeks. H will not like that when he sees my bank statement for the past few months. I've depleted my "personal" checking account, but he's spent so much money it's not funny. And, we all know where his money has gone.
Oh, I have a good book "His needs, Her needs." I'm going to curl up under the covers with my new bottle of Blackberry Merlot and read it for a while.
Will check back later.
hugs to ALL of you. Thank you for your kindness. I have to try and work on my "financial disclosure" forms today too. Our attnys are having a phone conference on the 14th for some unbeknownst-to-me reason.
Peace, love and kindness! poet
P.S. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I just painted my fingernails while waiting for the Internet to connect!
P.S.S. I got a feeling that TwinDad is reading along. Hugs, TD. I love you. Please drop by once in a while, K?
I know when I was int he middle of this all I wanted to read were books that helped me try to deveop stratedgies
i wanted to know what to do
what helped tremendously was putting those down for awhile and reading something fluffy
i liked the Janet Evonovich number series One for the Money Two for the Dough etc
they helped my mind stop racing for awhile and they made me laugh
do something that will make you laugh watch a movie that shakes your belly
i think that sometimes we get so bogged down in our situation and we read and watch movies and all that stuff and everything reminds us of our situation that sometimes
we just need a break
the Vacation movies kill me Christopher Moore books make me laugh out loud
Fig: You and I have something else in common - the Vacation movies. Oh my God - I could watch them over and over and over and I do. Christmas vacation is my altime fav and we used to even watch it in summer at the cottage. But the original and Vegas are awesome too. European is ok too but not quite as good.
I also love City Slickers, Captain Ron, Overboard among my chick flicks which I don't recommend so much right now.
I just found that an evening out with the girls could REALLY make me feel better. Especially if it involved Merlot. Now - that feels better. And on the w/e - spa! Get some TLC and remember that "you are worth it".
i even wear jammie pants and just plop my hair in a pony comfie cloths and salty crunchy cures lots of ills
Ha ha ha,
That is so funny, fig. Thank you for that one. Too bad "What about Bob" is named after my you-know-who. Ugh!
Love, love
P.S. Hey! I just thought of something. Wanna go to the movies? OK, you talked me into it. I think I'll go flip through my King Arthur Flour catalog and maybe even the Chadwicks catalog; I donno
and read it for a while. 