Yes it does suck and i am struggling alot more than i thought I would. The latest struggle is that I called to D7 earlier to say hello. She asked when i would be back and I kind of froze. We had planned to tell her this weekend. I told her that I would tell her when i would see her. She asked me several times if I had a fight with mom? Anyway, it sure did sting me....better get used to it. It will get worse before it gets better. I ask to put her mom on and told her I was sorry to interupt her and her friends(there were a few people over) but did she hear the exchange. W sounded a little cold but that may have been because other people were around. Anyhow W has Friday and Saturday pretty much planned with D7. Hopefully, I will get to spend some time with her on Sunday. There you have it not much positives going on....I am planning to play alot of golf this weekend! I have to GAL remember?
John, I am sorry. This is not an easy decision and you know it. Take your time now. Take care of you. We'll "discuss" later. We are here for you. Love K
I appreciate you guys being there and will probably need alot of help going forward.....I am afraid however that there is not much to discuss anymore. I have reached a point where I am even questioning why I did not leave that infamous night when she returned from God knows where. I put up with alot in the last year or so. I put up with more than I could have ever imagined. That is how much I love(d) my wife. That is how much I LOVE my D7. However, like you, there comes a time when I have to face reality. I am not lily white but I think I deserve much more than what I have been receiving in the last two years. I humbly think that I have alot to offer. Hopefully, one day I will offer that to someone who will appreciate it and will reciprocate. What really gets me is that for eight years, my W was the most appreciative and giving person I have ever known (mind you I don't think too many people would have done the things I have done for her). The beauty of it is that all I had to do was be myself and it was wonderful. Something happened on the way to the forum....I won't go into my theories but suffice it to say that she does not share my morals and ideals anymore (maybe she never did). So chalk one up to we grew apart. Now it is up to me to continue growing and not get stuck in the past....it is very difficult but I will have to find the strength to do it....for me and D7. Unless W returns to where she used to be (and we all know that will not happen), she is not for me...that is the honest truth. If there is a little advice that I would give any LBS who has the chance to try again like I did, make sure that your WAS is really back. Try to make sure you don't let the euphoria of the moment cloud your judgement. If I had to do it again, I would not have gone back so quickly when I saw an opening. I actually thought about it at the time but I was not strong enough to take the leverage I had and turn it into some concrete demands / assurances. I guess it's the Mr. nice guy syndrome that continues to haunt me.
I think piecing is a slippery slope, you have to be very careful.
I agree with what you said about being sure the WAS is "really" back...
My H came home but it wasn't like I thought it would be. I should have been pushing more for what I wanted but somehow in the transition back to living together, the tables have turned/the balance has shifted. It seems I am somehow the one working to keep him home instead of him working to get me to WANT him there? Hope that made sense...
Anyway not trying to hijack. Just saying I know how it can be. In the first rush of reuniting, some of those details that should get ironed out, don't. Now I am sure you are feeling like crud because you guys were back together and now you are changing Ds world, again....I know I dread that possibility.
Keep the faith, know how much you love your D and that you are a great Dad, and did what you could to be a great Husband, too. If that isn't enough for W, what else can you do?
That makes alot of sense. In retrospect, I never really felt that W worked very hard to get me to WANT her back. She did not have to. In my case anyway, my W had the balance of power since she dropped the bomb. Actually she has had it for the last 2 - 3 years (ever since her businesss took off). Thanks for the nice words....I know that something was broken a year or so ago and once that happened there is nothing I can do. In an e-mail she sent me yesterday asking to meet to iron some things out like the house, joint accounts etc., she ends the e-mail with: I know you have a good support group and it reassures me....I want you to know that I will always be there for you. Also, at the beginning she writes that for D7's sake (and that is what she hopes and wants) that we should remain close friends. I do not want to spend my energy disecting these statements (that is what we tend to do at the beginning). To me although I found that nice of her to say the words were empty. Maybe I will feel differently in the future but close friends and i will always be there for you just do not jive with recent events. I am scheduled to call W this morning to arrange pickup of D7...I miss her and I need to tell her why daddy left and hug her ALOT.
I agree it is hard to imagine they want to always be close, be friends, but then they draw the line at being spouses...
When H and I were trying to talk finances, he was offended that I was even needing to have the conversation. "Of COURSE I will always take care of you, you know that" was the gist of his side of the convo. Funny, when they drop a bomb, say they want to end the marriage and break up the family, but we should trust in the fact that they will always care and always be there??? WTF...
Sorry John, I know I am not being a mood lifter. I just know how it feels to a certain extent to be where you are. I am a little ways behind you on the DB train. We did the living apart, now we are living together, don't know if it will revert back to being apart...
Hope you have some good time with D. I know it will be hard to try and explain to her when the situation is confusing to you, too.
BBJ, Absolutely no need to apologize..... I did hug D7 tonight and I am hugging her right now....W wanted to go out for supper with D7 and we dropped the bomb on her. Now she is with me in the apt. for the rest of the weekend. needless to say, she has a ton of questions....actually there are not that may. Most of them revolve around what happened ..... why ar eyou guys not lovers anymore and just friends.....you won't be able to pick me up at the bus stop.....can you guys get back together one day. why don't you love mmommy anymore? I think I screwed up on that one after the 5th time she asked me. i said i still do.....she got the message......I am not sure i wanted to get her that message.
BBJ, I just read one o fyour posts describing the martyr-like syndrome. i definately am afflicted by it.... Woke up early this morning....I am not uses to D7 sleeping with me. I intend to spend the whole day with her and try to comfort her as much as i can. I love her so much and fell an enormous amount of guilt for making her go throgh this......I bet you that W has alot less guilt. Last night's supper was ok. i tried to stay positive and happy but at times I found myself wondering why am i here. i think W sensed that and we put an end to the supper pretty quickly. i had the feeling that she needed to be somewhere else after her little supper with us....i could be wrong....but when all is said and done it does not matter. the fact that D7 is now awaare of the sitch has added a finality if you will. D7 has to become my focus...she is now my most important project.
John, you are going through the same sh$t twice... I am sorry. You are right, at this point what she does or doesnt do shouldnt be your concern. Your only conecrn should be you and your D. You know how it goes, GAL, focus on yourself, try not to overanalyse, get lost in the past or future. Stick to today, day by day. See where it goes. Guilt about your D wont do you or your angel any good but I have been there and still am, so I cant really give an advice how to deal with that. I think you need some time to cool off and just do... nothing. Take care my friend, K
