Thanks for your post. I know I jumped the gun and that is why things spun out of control. It did end well and we talked last night and things seem fine now. I think the day just showed me a lot of negative things to our relationship, things that I forgot or chose to ignore because things were going so well for a little while there.
One thing that is really bothering me is how immature he is and how much he has to grow up if this is ever going to work. Just the way he acts and how he can treat me sometimes screams of immaturity and while he has admitted to this in counseling he seems to think he has a choice to make. Whether to act mature or immature and I am not sure what is holding him back from that choice. He is a 22 year old boy and I think that is a huge issue for us because even though I am 22 now too, we seem light years away sometimes when it comes to levels of maturity and responsibility.
I want to talk a little about the counseling session because there are a lot of things bugging me right now and I need to get more of it out of my system now before I talk to my husband this afternoon.
We gave our lists of the things that we need and the things that we want from a marriage relationship. The goal was to see if we could provide those things to one another as that would be an indication of whether or not we could make this thing work. I will post my list in a seperate post after this one to save on space. After going over our lists our counselor summed it up by saying that right now the most important thing to my husband is freedom and the most important thing to me is security. Our new assignment is to try and figure out how those two needs can coexist and be fulfilled simultaneously. Which to me sounds impossible. How can I feel secure when he is out doing his "freedom" thing? And vice versa.
His list talked about needed space and alone time, wanting someone with an independent spirit (meaning I can't be too clingy), that he wants a "low maintenence" relationship, etc. There were only like 5 things but there was nothing like "I want my wife to greet me at the door when I come home from work" or "I want frequent sex with my wife." You know, things that were more practical, things I could focus on doing to make him happy. So this frustrates me because it makes me feel like unless I let him go run around with his buddies I could not be a good wife to him. All the things he wants and need are things that he would have guarenteed as a single man. So that is not very encouraging to me right now. Again with the immaturity.
After talking the whole thing over with my mom and then with my best friend last night I am just really seeing that I am in the indecision category, just like him. I don't feel like he is good enough for me and that I would be better off with someone who is older and actually wants a relationship like a marriage. Someone who would make me a priority in their life not an afterthought. I love my husband more than life but at the same time I am becomming so disenchanted with the reality of things between us. I need him to figure himself out so that he can wholeheartedly choose me. Otherwise I will always feel like the last thing on his mind.
So this brings me to our conversation last night. I asked him if he thought we should go to counseling on our own instead of as a couple. He said it might be better but asked me why I felt that way. I told him that right now I am lost and confused and that I don't think going to counseling together is helping because we are on two different pages and until we figure out where our marriage is headed it might be best to go by ourselves. I am just so messed up and I need help pulling it together, for myself. He said "Well then we should do that" and I said ok. So that is the plan for right now. We only have one joint session left for free and then we would have to start paying and right now I am not willing (or able truth be told) to throw a couple hundred dollars into this until we both want it. Whereas we can get 6 individual sessions each covered for free and that might actually help us faster than us going together. Then if/when we decide to go back together it would be at a point where we could really dig in and figure this thing out.
I feel good about this decision. I am not ready to walk away from the relationship but give me another month or two and if he doesn't start to change I might be at the end of my rope with this whole damn thing. Hopefully something will click in his brain before I get to the point of no return.
Sorry that this post is not the most positive or cheerful but it is all I have to offer at this point.
