Is it just sex....or more?????

[NikB]

((CW))

I'll take a stab at your questions...

1. What is the psychology around why asking questions about the future solidifies the WAS's decision to be done?

I'm not entirely sure... but I think it's because they're very confused about what their future will look like - particularly who will be in it. If they've talked themselves out of a future with you but you're asking about the future, it kinda implies that you'll be in their future. Does that make sense a little?

Hijacking for a sec but this just came back to me and I thought it might help..

I'm thinking back to a boyfriend I broke it off with after 2 years. I remember going somewhere with him during the summer. I had already decided it wasn't gonna work out and I couldn't believe he didn't realize how bad his behavior towards me had gotten (he was borderline abusive, not physically but mentally/emotionally, big time). There were even specific incidents that were pretty awful, and all I could think was, "how the he!! does he think it's OK to treat me like that?"

So.. anyway.. we were at a museum or something with his parents, and I bought something in the gift shop. I don't even remember now what it was. He didn't see me buy it and it bothered him - and his need for constantly having control over me was one of the things that pi$$sed me off about him - so when he took the bag from me to see what I bought I took it back and wouldn't let him see it. I of course did it "playfully" to avoid the tirade of verbal abuse that I knew would happen otherwise. Then he asked me if it was a "secret Christmas present" for him. I can totally see NOW, as the LBS, why that would be a normal question to ask in an R. But as the "WAS" in the situation, my immediate reaction (though I didn't SAY it) was "WTF are you crazy?? There is NO WAY I'll be anywhere near you at Christmas time... yuck yuck yuck I can't wait to get rid of you so I don't even have to THINK about that." I think I broke up with him the next day.

I didn't even remember that moment until recently, when I was thinking about that "future plans" question.

2. H has some real issues with not having felt appreciated by me....for example...I read Love Languages and realized H's love language is gifts/cards and words of praise. That is not my love language so I wasn't good about giving it to him. He is going through some stuff at work right now and has been having interviews...since I know his love language now and I want him to feel good about himself I was thinking of sending him a card with some words of encouragement. Is that too much??? Will he think it insincere?

Ahh yeah, the 5LL is an eye opener isn't it? I read it and pretty much slapped my forehead going "Duh how did I miss THAT?"

You can't make him feel a certain way, or know what he'll think of it. But, a card (like one you'd send to a friend) might be worth trying. It is a little pursuit, but you could try it and see what happens. As long as YOU know that it's sincere, that's all you have control over.

3. What the hell do I talk about with him so that I can keep my mouth shut about R???

Anything else! The weather, your daughter, whatever's current on the news, whatever info he might want to share about his life (don't push, but you can certainly encourage him to talk about whatever he does "offer" about his life).

4. Should I continue to invite him for dinner periodically even though he always turns me down? This is so hard because I'm afraid if I stop he will think "see I knew she didn't really care about me...when the going got tough she stopped".

I'd stop inviting him - chalk it up as something that's not working.

You can't control what he thinks about it.

5. I have this same question about the sex....H's BIGGEST complaint was lack of interest in him sexually...if I don't show interest will he think I haven't changed? When we have sex it's the only time he acts "normal" to me...of course right after things go south.

This is pretty typical... he gets close then pulls away.

This is always a very tough question. If he's receptive to it when you show interest, I think it's OK sometimes. You can also show all kinds of interest without "going all the way" so to speak. Flirt like crazy.

6. Should you really not believe what they say??? I mean damn...he told me he never sees himself coming back...those are some strong words and they hurt like hell.

I know... they do hurt. That's why you don't talk R if at all possible!

Believing what they say.. to a degree, I guess. I mean believe him enough to validate and empathize with him. It's true - right now, he does not see himself coming back. It's his perception of the current situation. Doesn't mean he won't change his mind, though. It just means that's where he's at right now.

7. My DB Coach said there is a tipping point in this type of situation where the 2 steps forward, 3 steps back pattern changes and it's 3 steps forward 2 steps back...how the hell do you know when you are getting closer to that.

Detach a lot more, and it won't matter nearly as much. Knowing that you're creating a happier, healthier, stronger "you" makes his actions matter less. And you'll be able to appreciate the forward steps without obsessing about them.

8. What actions should you be encouraged by vs. just deluding yourself into thinking things are a good sign.

Same answer as #7...

9. Nik? How the hell did you do this?????????

Good question.

If I think about the big picture, my answer is "I have no clue how I made it!!"

But when I break it down, it was time, patience, support of a LOT of wonderful people... more patience.. and following DR as best I could. 180s, GALing, doing more of what works and less of what doesn't. (with lots of trips and falls along the way... but keep getting back up!)