First off, I'm a newcomer too. Secondly- I feel almost relieved. Someone else is dealing with something similar! I am 21 and my husband is 20. He does some of the exact same things. He's cheated on me numerous times, left, abandoned me during both my pregnancies, and then comes back for about six months just to turn around and do it all again.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off just severing the relationship altogether. But at the same time, I'm just not ready to give up. It's the good times- those six months or so in between these "episodes" and other women- and my children- that keep me going.
I think we both have come to the right place. Hang in there!
M: 21 H: 20 Married: almost 2 years Together: 3 years Children: Nine month old daughter, son due 10/31 Bomb: Mother's day 2008 ILYBINILWY: August 10th, 2008 OW confirmed: Aug 10, 2008 Currently living apart, little to no contact
I was never separated from my H. It got pretty close but didn't actually get that far.
I was very lucky in that I never found out about H's A - he told me about it. Apparently he had been dropping hints etc for a while....and I trusted him so much, (or as he saw it - cared about him so little), I didn't pick up on his clues.
After he owned up about the A we had an awful week when we didn't know really what was going to happen - would he stay or would he go? Everything was in the balance. and then it sort of got sorted.....having said that, making the decision to stay together is only the very beginning.
I have been very lucky in that once my H was absolutely certain that I DID love him, and that we had just grown apart and stopped communicating, he recommitted 100% to our M. Even then I have found the journey hard.
We have both been up front about owning our parts in the breakdown of the M- that has helped a lot. My H may have been the one that had the A, but he only did that because he felt so alone and was looking for companionship. He wasn't even looking for sex - that was something OW was pushing for and actually my H had a problem with that. Once I became his 'friend' again, he was happy. He and I had just gotten to a really bad place when it came to communicating what we felt to each other; we existed rather than living - I hope that makes sense.
I have had a lot of sessions with a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist over the last couple of years and the sessions have helped our M no end. Without that I would still be drugged up on AD's etc. and I probably would no longer be married. My therapist taught me much better ways of dealing with things in my life.
Even at my darkest moments...and there were some pretty bad ones.....I knew I loved my H and I thought back to how we had been when I met him and we fell in love. It reminded me that he and I COULD complement each other well when we were acting in a healthy way. It gave me hope. When I thought he was going to leave and go be with OW I felt like my heart was being ripped out and ultimately that made me fight harder. In my sitch NOT communicating with my H and telling him how much I loved him was a big thing, so my 180 was to let him know. I believe that in my sitch, if I had tried going dark, it wouldn't have worked....because I was already dark. I had to change what I was doing. That's what I think DBing is essentially about for me....if you are pursuing a course of action and it isn't working, then review what you are doing.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Has it been different women or the same woman that he has cheated on you with?
It's actually been completely different women. Does that make a difference, in your experience?
M: 21 H: 20 Married: almost 2 years Together: 3 years Children: Nine month old daughter, son due 10/31 Bomb: Mother's day 2008 ILYBINILWY: August 10th, 2008 OW confirmed: Aug 10, 2008 Currently living apart, little to no contact
Nevermind...I'll keep some thoughts about this to myself. I feel for you. I hope you are able to someday appreciate that you deserve better than what life and your serial cheater husband have dealt you. Please focus on your daughter and the things that make you happy. You can't control what your H does...as you've found out repeatedly in a very short marriage. Wishing you the best.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Please share your thoughts! I need to hear what other people think. I very rarely get offended or upset when people tell me how they feel about what is happening to me right now.
The more I read about this the more I understand why this is happening. The first affair was with someone he had feelings for in the past but when she revealed her true self he wanted nothing to do with her. But the second was at a time when he was loosing his real estate office. He was a franchise owner of a local real estate company and he had only been open for a year. Finances were so bad that he had to close it. To me, he felt comfort with this 21 OW because she brought him out of his depression for loosing the one thing he valued most and that was his career. Plus there were many negative things happening at home, bankruptcy, the scar of the first affair, his mom having breast cancer, and my snooping. This girl was his escape from reality. He couldn't bare to see me hurt everyday and then when he told me about this girl that was it for me. Sometimes I wonder if he did it as a way to just get out and hoped I would just let go of him because he was such a failure.
We have known each other for 18 years married one year tomorrow in fact. Tomorrow will be very difficult for me. I will have to give every ounce of my soul to not contact him. But I will think about it all day long.
I fight myself everyday to keep going. Is there any hope?
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
I'm not sure if it has made a difference. The similarity is that they have been women he works with. He finds almost a sense of masculinity when these women chase him, pay attention to him, stroke his ego, you know what I mean? Since I don't do that he was seeking it somewhere else. Especially the 21 OW now called him "a god" in one of her emails to him. What a bunch of s&it! Made me want to vomit.
I just want to believe he will change but all I read is that until I start to change he won't. I just don't know if I can wait this out for 6, 9, or even a year...... I love him so much but I have been through this like yourself once before. I want to believe that I do deserve better. I just don't know if I can ever love someone the way that I love him. Can I give myself to someone the way that I have given myself to him? That is what I fight with myself everyday.
Me35/H35 D16/SS14 M-1yr/known H 18yrs 1st Bomb: 4/26 OW35 2nd Bomb: 8/17 OW21 Moved out 8/21/08 H filed D on 9/9/08
God determines who walks into your life...it's up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.
My thoughts are this husband of yours, regardless of the reasons you make for him, doesn't know the first thing about commitment. I would start moving forward with your life as though he will never come back, and then think long and hard about taking him back. He needs to chase you. The only way he'll do that is if you appear over him (and work to detach enough that you don't just welcome him back with open arms). Blame it on what you want, but the guy has a lot of self-work to do before he's ever worthy again of your trust.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Hi Marisol, at this point what do you have to lose. Figure we are not emotionally ready to jump into another R like our H did. So take the time and try the techniques and see what happens. As I have read on other forums by the time the H is ready to return the W has moved on. So we GAL, protect our kids, and hope that the aliens return our H to us. These days I do not even know my H anymore. I find that the more I do not call him, he calls me first. This will be a wild ride but at least there is good support on this board. God Bless
Me 53 H 50 D16, D29 M 22 years bomb 7/08 INH - alien pod replaces H 8/08 - OW (direct report), I work there also bomb II - H moves 10/1 expose ow 10/22 D to be final 9-09
