I just want to tell you something that I learned after making the same mistake over and over and over again (OK, I have a thick skull and I'm stubborn). Since my ex left me, I do not regret the things I never got to say but I DO regret some of the things I DID say.
It took me forever to realize what everyone was telling me. NOTHING I did was going to make a difference. I screamed and clawed and begged him to "get help, 'get it'", but he was beyond it all.
You can't change this situation - he left and he holds the keys. The only thing that MIGHT change is his attitude if you leave him alone. Going dark does not mean for 10 minutes - it means for days on end with no end in sight. It means "call my lawyer, not me" in an email or text and then do not take his calls, or reply to other messages.
I changed the locks and made it clear he was never to be in my house without my approval. Most of them do this. They like to "pop in" - keep you on your toes. End that cycle. It is SO unfair because it gives you hope. And that's not what you need right now (seriously).
What you need is to plan your life without him. If by some miracle he were to change and want you back - it would be an entirely new R with him and you could "add" him into your new life if you so chose. But let him go.
This is the part where many standers go off on me but I didn't say move on to a new R. I said "let him go". He is a person, not a possession and he has a mind of his own and will do as he chooses and you have no control over that at all. But you do have to have control over YOU. You make a life for yourself (on your own - you are NOT ready for a new R). And you get stronger. Then you see what happens. You keep your options open. It doesn't mean totally giving up. But you need to not have any more expectations about him - just let it be.
So, to sum up what I'm saying - it is what you will read in Michele's books. Keep your expectations at zero. Be still. Be polite, but don't have an agenda with him. Protect yourself in whatever way you need to. Stop being reactive - currently everything he says or does gets a response from you and he is just pulling your strings. Don't let him.
I hope this is somewhat helpful. It took me a long, long time to figure out that everyone who said these things to me was right!
Barb
Absolutely exquisite.... Read this over and over again 'til you get it love. Especially the part I underlined , PLEASE! S~ You are a beautiful worthwhile WOMAN! Go dark , stay there. Everyone here is right. He needs this way more than you think. Cut the rope and let go... easier said than done but you CAN do it and you must for your very own well being.
