Interesting Divorce-Busting themed films.

[poet]

There...you have my early morning soul-searching.

Early morning soul searching comes in many forms and at many different times of day. I have actully started a new thread in the forgivness forum, under the handle, 'love.'

It is where I do all of my own soul searching.

I have let go of that during this marriage and it has been to my detriment.

[karen43]

[quote=theoden]

If you look at the forums and chapter of the book entitled, "keeping the changes going" indicate, right or wrong, we will be on the performance treadmill for the rest of our marriage. Yes, marriage is work, but in essence what DB is saying is that it's not held together by a covenant or commitment, but a life-long, mutually satisfying game of "What have you done for me lately?"

I'm honestly wrestling with that at the moment.

That's part of my point I think. Aren't there people out there like myself that do believe marriage is a covenant and committment and until death do us part? I don't think marriage should be "what have you done for me lately". It's nice to make yourself attractive for your loved one, and try to do their love language, and all that, but your marriage shouldn't depend on doing a great or nearly perfect job at that. Maybe we do have the wrong spouse if they don't have a sense of committment to the marriage? Karen

[theoden]

Karen,

I agree with you.

I think that's why I have such a deep admiration for the people here on DB who are faithful to their commitments.

--Theoden

[karen43]

Thanks Theoden!!! I mean I think about this too. Even if my H came back today and said let's try again, it would be very scary and he would have to show me that he has had some growth and more of a committment to the M or it wouldn't work out. And I don't think that will happen and I've gotten used to the idea.

Now I'm more DBing for myself and my kids and when the divorce is over I think I will be fine. You kind of gave me that advice at the beginning here, and I was like no way I can't live without H, but I'm getting better at it I think. Karen

[runningoutoftime]

Just jumping in... my FIL, stayed with the affair partner, married her and they seemed pretty happy together. They were together until he died. We know statistically it's not so common, but it does happen.

Of course, I certainly don't support it. Although I do find I'm a little more tolerant of it when kids aren't involved. For example, Jen didn't have children with Brad Pitt (and I must be the only woman on earth who doesn't find that guy physically attractive! Him and Tom Cruise!!! Yuck!!! And it isn't the cheating... I just don't they they are THAT attractive).

But, I still think it's skanky behavior, and I have less respect for people who cheat.

[poet]

Although I do find I'm a little more tolerant of it when kids aren't involved.

You know, I am so tired of people putting childless marriges on the back burner, or minimizing the hurt or condoning the possibilities of extra-marital affairs when no children are involved. I was a single woman for many years without children. And whenever it involved working a Christmas Eve or holiday, the people with children always took prescedence when it came to giving them time off.

I've never taken a stand here on any of these boards before, but I really don't appreciate anyone stereotyping or categorize childless marriage simply on the premise that marriages with children are more important. I'm sorry, but that is an unfair statement, and I needed to voice it. We are ALL HUMAN beings, and because of that, we all have the same deep hurts and feelings of loss, whether or not there are children involve.

Now, that said, I am also a victim of a divorce of my parents. I was four years old, and the youngest of the clan of five kids. I KNOW how much it hurts the child. So, please when you flame me, keep in mind that I've been on the negative receiving end of both worlds.

'Nough said.
Bye for now.

[theoden]

Poet,

Dear friend...

No one is going to flame you. You are loved and welcome here.

Hurt is real: for divorce in all marriages. We hurt with you and for you.

Adultery and divorce is wrong: in all marriages.

What most people tend to feel, including some left behind spouses, is that when children are involved, things are more complicated and more people get hurt. Many LBS who didn't have children told me felt grateful that they didn't have to drag kids though the divorce or they were sort of glad this happened when they were relatively young enough to re-start in a new relationship.

Again, it doesn't minimize your pain.

I've had people tell me, "Be glad this is happening to you when you are 40 and not 50, because it's easier to find someone new." That was cold comfort when they said it, but it had some wisdom to it.

If you are younger and dont't have children, if your spouse takes off with someone else, however much it hurts, you MIGHT bounce back from it more easily.

To be honest, if I didn't have kids, I probably would have divorced my wife by now. You take a lot of crap for the kids's sake, even infidelity.

But Poet, I don't think, for a moment, that what Brad did to Jennifer was right. It's immoral. A broken heart is a broken heart. Adultery is adultery. But all of us, to some degree, breath a sigh of relief when think, "At least, they didn't have kids."

No flaming. Just love here, Poet.

--Theoden

[runningoutoftime]

Poet,

I never flame anyone and I'm definitely not trying to minimize your pain. I know as an individual your pain is just as deep as anyone else here (and maybe even deeper since poets are often very sensitive people). And I realize this is an issue you are particularly sensitive to.

I think lying, cheating, adultry, etc... is always wrong. I would never condone it. I think committing infidelity whether you have kids or not is equally wrong. I don't have any tolerance for that whatsoever.

But I personally am more tolerant of divorce (particularly amicable divorce) when underaged children are not involved. That's my personal feeling and others may feel differently. I respect that.

[Yoyowife]

Pain from infidelity, separation, divorce, etc. is always painful when it is one sided, no matter your age, sex, race, children/no children. I think by far this has been the most painful event in my life. Perhaps having no children would speed up the grief process because you wouldn't have to face them all the time, but I still believe the pain initially would be the same.

I lost my mother 13 years ago, I thought nothing could top that pain at the time. I was wrong. The death of my marriage hurt worse for me. I guess it's because I knew my mother didn't choose to leave me. I knew she wanted to stay with me and loved me right up to the end.

Just my opinion...

[hoosiermama]

I agree. I've buried 3 parents (I was adopted), 2 sons who died before they were born, I've been stalked, and I've been divorced before because I left an abusive situation. But what I'm living with now is the worst of all. Pain is pain, and I would never compare mine with someone else's--but I can compare it to my own previous experience. And being cast aside "like a coat that no longer fits" (H's apt phrase), rejected and betrayed is its own particular kind of death. And watching my D being devastated and knowing there's really nothing I can do about it adds to the pain I'm feeling.

Sorry--I've wandered far off the topic of movies.