I regret running into him in a parking lot at the bank and freaking out for him not paying child support. I should have let my lawyer deal with it. I regret screaming at him in front of my kids about similar things. He liked to used child support as a control tactic. NOT OK! I also regret turning up the car radio when my daughter was in the car and so was ex and playing "You cheated on me and that's for that"... "gone is the house we made a home, gone is you never leave me alone" etc. I heard the song a week ago and felt bad. I regret trying to make him see the error of his ways. I regret begging and pleading him to come back.
I do not regret the fact that I NEVER called his apt (where his maggot lived with him). I do not regret NEVER telling his maggot off. I do not regret NEVER hitting him with a 2x4 like I wanted to. I do not regret not breaking into his car and "planting" a condom or sexy undies - so one of them would freak out on the other and break it off. I do not regret not writing the letter to her father or their pastor telling of their affair although I wanted to do this time and time again. I do NOT regret not calling, texting or emailing him every time I had the urge although that was VERY DIFFICULT> I can honestly say that I never texted him even once. I only emailed him twice (after he left a second time and emailed maggot one time when I first found out about her and asked her to leave my husband and children's father alone. I only called his work less than 5 times. His cel phone only in response to serious child related incidents (one child went into hospital, one child had got into trouble at school). THAT WAS IT! The rest of the communication was him phoning the kids and him asking them to put me on the phone and I kept those to a minimum.
I found you... I have to run. I skimmed some. I will catch up. I am in the middle of moving a four bedroom house and helping hubby run business , now more than ever. But you are still in my prayers girl!!!!!!!!!!!!
Honey, you do not owe him answers right now so GO DARK. Don't text. Don't phone. Don't leave notes. Let him flap in the breeze - this is not the worst thing for him right now.
Good Morning Barbie,
Thank you. Your words are always spot on. Here is the most important advice I hear that I personally have control of, at the moment. I actually have been doing pretty good as of late with this one -- that is, up until yesterday. But, I felt a desperate need to diffuse the situation there, and I think/hope I did, at least for a now.
I did end up breaking my own "darkness" last night and called him three times, but that was just to see how he was.
But Poet, that pretty much defeats the entire purpose of "going dark." NOT "just seeing how he is" is the whole point!!!You wanted a 2x4? There ya go. Consider yourself walloped.
But Poet, that pretty much defeats the entire purpose of "going dark." NOT "just seeing how he is" is the whole point!!!You wanted a 2x4? There ya go. Consider yourself walloped.
HI PUPPY,
Good to see you again. I thought I had lost you forever. Yes, I know this was a WAY wrong mistake. I get it, darnit! I wish this whole dark thing would not be so foreign to me. But, one good thing did come out of it. I asked him if I was ever going to see him again, and he said, "Yes, Suzanne."
I've also got to contact my attorney and let her know what's been going on...advice from some others here. What do you think?
Poet, I haven't followed your entire story but make sure you get what you deserve in the settlement. Your H's game plan is to walk away with you having very little. Your allowing this will not bring him back to you any sooner. You have to look out for yourself because he sure won't. Make sure the settlement is fair to YOU.
You have it the highway of info in front of you so don't take the backroads. You "get it", you just chose not to. And it didn't gain you any ground at all. Asking if you were ever going to see him again LOST you ground. Hearing him say yes doesn't mean a thing. In the first place - of course you will -but it might be only in court. In the second place - he might tell you that because that is what you want to hear. And in the third place - he could be lying. They lie all the time. So - what good thing came out of that? False hope. That is all.
I am blunt. It is not always appreciated. But I tell it like it is.
Listen to the others, they are giving you great advice!!! My ex threatened me with criminal charges b/c I got into his emails & found out about OW. He also threatened to take one of the dogs (he knew that would get to me) but I didn't let him see that. I called my L crying & saying he can't take my dog. L told me he would not get her. Anyway, when my ex would threaten me, I would just say, do what you have to do. Most of this time was before he knew I knew about OW, so he didn't know that I knew he was having an affair. He also threatened to file contested D, again I just said "do what you have to do", I knew he didn't want to go that route.
So, just say "do what you have to do" & that will let him know he is not going to intimidate you!
I promise, you have to look out for you!!! All my H wanted was money from the sale of the house so he could pretend to the OW that he had money.
I just want to tell you something that I learned after making the same mistake over and over and over again (OK, I have a thick skull and I'm stubborn). Since my ex left me, I do not regret the things I never got to say but I DO regret some of the things I DID say.
It took me forever to realize what everyone was telling me. NOTHING I did was going to make a difference. I screamed and clawed and begged him to "get help, 'get it'", but he was beyond it all.
You can't change this situation - he left and he holds the keys. The only thing that MIGHT change is his attitude if you leave him alone. Going dark does not mean for 10 minutes - it means for days on end with no end in sight. It means "call my lawyer, not me" in an email or text and then do not take his calls, or reply to other messages.
I changed the locks and made it clear he was never to be in my house without my approval. Most of them do this. They like to "pop in" - keep you on your toes. End that cycle. It is SO unfair because it gives you hope. And that's not what you need right now (seriously).
What you need is to plan your life without him. If by some miracle he were to change and want you back - it would be an entirely new R with him and you could "add" him into your new life if you so chose. But let him go.
This is the part where many standers go off on me but I didn't say move on to a new R. I said "let him go". He is a person, not a possession and he has a mind of his own and will do as he chooses and you have no control over that at all. But you do have to have control over YOU. You make a life for yourself (on your own - you are NOT ready for a new R). And you get stronger. Then you see what happens. You keep your options open. It doesn't mean totally giving up. But you need to not have any more expectations about him - just let it be.
So, to sum up what I'm saying - it is what you will read in Michele's books. Keep your expectations at zero. Be still. Be polite, but don't have an agenda with him. Protect yourself in whatever way you need to. Stop being reactive - currently everything he says or does gets a response from you and he is just pulling your strings. Don't let him.
I hope this is somewhat helpful. It took me a long, long time to figure out that everyone who said these things to me was right!
Barb
Absolutely exquisite.... Read this over and over again 'til you get it love. Especially the part I underlined , PLEASE! S~ You are a beautiful worthwhile WOMAN! Go dark , stay there. Everyone here is right. He needs this way more than you think. Cut the rope and let go... easier said than done but you CAN do it and you must for your very own well being.
