I think that control freaks don't like it when their partners actually turn out to be individuals. Makes things a bit of a mess, I think. Because you have to be an individual, they have to figure out how to adjust to that. In the meantime, they get really angry!
Good Morning Handsome,
Thank God you finally found me. I've been praying for your to come visit. I am afaid my situation is now too far gone for any saving. I hope this is not so. So, here is my question for you:
Regarding the quote above -- how do I/what can I do or not do to help allueviate the situation. How can I help him *get over* his anger, or at least calm him down. This is so important to me, and it has been since I joined these boards. I really need to learn this aspect of DBing. Can you offer any advice?
I think you hit the nail on the head with that one!!! He's going to get a lot angrier before he gets nicer.
Hi Fig,
How can you know this? Do you have any words of wisdom here? Are you coming from a similar MLC, and can you see some of yourself in him? If so, how did you conquer your own deamons?
Honey, you do not owe him answers right now so GO DARK. Don't text. Don't phone. Don't leave notes. Let him flap in the breeze - this is not the worst thing for him right now.
Good Morning Barbie,
Thank you. Your words are always spot on. Here is the most important advice I hear that I personally have control of, at the moment. I actually have been doing pretty good as of late with this one -- that is, up until yesterday. But, I felt a desperate need to diffuse the situation there, and I think/hope I did, at least for a now.
I did end up breaking my own "darkness" last night and called him three times, but that was just to see how he was. I was really frightened and shaking all day yesterday. He said he planned to drive by this morning to see if the truck was there (yes, it was there) and I said I wanted to meet him at the gate and just hand him a breakfast and his paper, but he did not want me to. So, I didn't. I did ask him if I would ever see him again, and he said "Yes."
I know, I deserve a 2X4 for this groveling. Hit me now and get it over with. I've gone back to dark.
there is a saying in my family (and I am sure lots of other peoples') that is
don't let them know where your goat is tied up
kind of like
don't let people see where you buttons are sort of thing
i think that your husband knows what buttons to push to get a reaction from you
you loan out the truck you are strong and tell him you can't possibly get it now because youa re at work he threatens you and shows anger (maybe your goat is here...you don't like confrontation or you are afraid or intimidated by anger) you get nervous he gets to feel powerful
I am suggesting you move that goat when he makes a totally empty, clearly not in reality sort of threat (there is no way a sheriff would point a guna t someone and demand a truck be returned...unless they are a felon and armed and dangerous...it isn't grand theft auto...he is trying to intimidate you) you simply state i am sorry you are upset about that i will get the truck back to you asap
when he keeps making demands simply state once again, i am sorry you are upset but I really have to go back to work have a lovely day goodbye
move yoru goat
he will see that intimidating you doesn't work and will have to try to find a different way to get his way
I am suggesting you move that goat. When he makes a totally empty, clearly not in reality sort of threat (there is no way a sheriff would point a gun at someone and demand a truck be returned...unless they are a felon and armed and dangerous...it isn't grand theft auto)...he is trying to intimidate you.
Hi Fig,
Well....yes, my husband had left a message on my home phone as well. And when I got home late last night, that is precisely what he said. "That is grand theft auto." He was dead serious about his threat.
H also said he wanted to know, for sure, today if I was still going to go for uncontested because if not, his attorney was going to file tomorrow (today) I assured him that I wanted to go uncontested! My husband is tight with his money and likes the thought of uncontested. If we do go contested, I fear we will lose a LOT of money. Actually, I do not want uncontested, not because of the money, but because I know it will fray and disolve whatever chance there is left of my ever seeing him again.
I just want to tell you something that I learned after making the same mistake over and over and over again (OK, I have a thick skull and I'm stubborn). Since my ex left me, I do not regret the things I never got to say but I DO regret some of the things I DID say.
It took me forever to realize what everyone was telling me. NOTHING I did was going to make a difference. I screamed and clawed and begged him to "get help, 'get it'", but he was beyond it all.
You can't change this situation - he left and he holds the keys. The only thing that MIGHT change is his attitude if you leave him alone. Going dark does not mean for 10 minutes - it means for days on end with no end in sight. It means "call my lawyer, not me" in an email or text and then do not take his calls, or reply to other messages.
I changed the locks and made it clear he was never to be in my house without my approval. Most of them do this. They like to "pop in" - keep you on your toes. End that cycle. It is SO unfair because it gives you hope. And that's not what you need right now (seriously).
What you need is to plan your life without him. If by some miracle he were to change and want you back - it would be an entirely new R with him and you could "add" him into your new life if you so chose. But let him go.
This is the part where many standers go off on me but I didn't say move on to a new R. I said "let him go". He is a person, not a possession and he has a mind of his own and will do as he chooses and you have no control over that at all. But you do have to have control over YOU. You make a life for yourself (on your own - you are NOT ready for a new R). And you get stronger. Then you see what happens. You keep your options open. It doesn't mean totally giving up. But you need to not have any more expectations about him - just let it be.
So, to sum up what I'm sayind - it is what you will read in Michele's books. Keep your expectations at zero. Be still. Be polite, but don't have an agenda with him. Protect yourself in whatever way you need to. Stop being reactive - currently everything he says or does gets a response from you and he is just pulling your strings. Don't let him.
I hope this is somewhat helpful. It took me a long, long time to figure out that everyone who said these things to me was right!
Poet: I just read your most recent post to me and can't believe my eyes. You couldn't stay dark so you called him 3 times???? WTF??? This isn't even DIM! Just to see how he was??? Girl - GET A LIFE!!! WITHOUT HIM IN IT!!! You wanted to offer him the newspaper and his breakfast? Are you a doormat??? He has you right where he wants you. This is NOT how it works.
Remember this - it is human nature to want what you CAN'T have. but he HAS you - right where he wants you - you are his BECK AND CALL GIRL. Yes I said "CALL GIRL".
OK - those are my 2 x 4s and they are not pretty. But TRUST ME on this. YOu are not dark or even close. STOP IT. You can't bounce back and forth between dark and not dark. It becomes a joke. YOU GO DARK AND YOU STAY DARK. Now tough up and do it.
This is the part where many standers go off on me but I didn't say move on to a new R. I said "let him go". He is a person, not a possession and he has a mind of his own and will do as he chooses and you have no control over that at all. But you do have to have control over YOU.
Hi Barbie,
Thanks for getting back to me so quickly. This...your advice above is what I am actively working toward. I wish I did not call him last night, but I think I did no harm. I am going back to dark. I am trying to forgive him and I've told him so. I am letting him go. He's really gone now, and I know that.
What I would like to hear are the things you said that you "regret having said," and the things you don't "regret." These specifics will help me more than anything.
