So I married a sex addict...

[happycamper]

Hi Grant

Thanks for checking in. Feeling better today. H came round for a little bit yesterday (he was in the area) and he could see I was struggling with him.

Incidentally, I just can't do the DB thing of being all cheerful with him, no R talk, etc; to me that just reinforces the whole co-addict behaviour of being able to cope with anything just to keep your addict with you. H doesn't want to be with me, I don't want to be in a R with H as he is, I don't think it's the right thing for me to do to behave in such a way as to win him back. I can't pretend I'm ok with it if I'm not.

Anyway, he came over and I was very upset. He was sad to see me that way. I explained that him getting a flat with her and going away for the weekend with her made it much more real. Before I think I just thought that he was with me, but having an affair with her, which I could cope with (although in a very 'sick' way). Now their R is more serious, it is sinking in for me, and I am not able to handle it.

I said that I didn't want him to mention her name, no details of their R, didn't want to see their flat, didn't want to go in his car (where she sits) anymore. He was very understanding, and didn't realise just how bad I felt, as I had been ok upto that point. He said he felt sorry I felt so bad.

So he went, and I carried on in my normal way.

Found a couple of really helpful bits in my reading which helped alot.

1) 'The question you should ask yourself is, "Would you want him so much if other women didn't?"' (from Casanova Complex) No no no no no no no no!!!

2) 'When a divorce occurs [after an affair], it is because the infidel can not escape the affair in time or cannot face going back into a marriage in which he or she is now known and understood and can no longer pose as the chaste virgin or white knight spotless and beyond criticism. A New Yorker cartoon once showed a forlorn man at a bar complaining: "My wife understands me."' (from a Psychology Today article). I literally smacked my hand over my mouth... bearing in mind that H could only tell me his stuff after we had agreed to separate...

That last one gave me alot of peace. I don't think he can come back to me now (not without being in recovery at least). It helped me to understand why he says he loves me still, thinks I am wonderful, wants to be good friends, even flirts at times, and yet doesn't want to be married to me. I didn't understand it before.

So, what do you think? Make any sense to you?

Going to post on your thread now, because we have something in common...!