H deep in A & MLC, need support 4 roller coaster!

[Dawn of Hope]

*WARNING: RIDICULOUSLY LONG POST!!*

Hi, Lisa!
Thanks for stopping in and posting to me! I've been posting on everyone else's thread tonight, and figured it was time to actually post on my own, and hope someone would respond!

When I read your post, I had forgotten that my last post had all that stuff in it about the old shoes and clothes and stuff! Yes, I definitely need some new shoes...I don't think a single one of my *six* pairs of shoes is less than about five years old! Sneakers are most urgent, as the current pair hurts my feet, and I hardly ever wear anything else. I've been waiting for finances to improve a bit, which they are just now. Hopefully I can go buy some new sneaks this weekend.

Anyway...I *had* to buy a few new things after I lost 20 pounds on the infamous MLC diet, because I was drowning in every pair of pants I had. Now I'm a size 2 (a.k.a. extra small, for you non-US folks), which I have no complaints about except that I have a hard time finding clothes to fit me...especially since I'm only 5'2" and apparently my waist is somewhat smaller than standard for my hip size. I know, I know...I'm not going to get a lot of sympathy for this problem! Just like H used to say that he wouldn't get a lot of sympathy for having a wife who hated to shop!

I went shopping in January, when I finally decided it was time to buy some pants that fit me, with a dear friend of mine, who has similar proportions (but is 5 inches taller, so she's a real stringbean), so she knows what to look for. And she LIKES to shop, and she is very encouraging and complimentary, so that makes it less annoying for me if I do have to set foot in a dressing room! I managed to find 3 pairs of jeans that fit (quite nicely, I might add!), and she persuaded me to buy a couple of tops, too...one of which was a long-sleeved turtleneck that is VERY clingy...it is the only garment I have with sleeves that actually allows me to show off the incredible muscles I've developed in my arms from three years of grueling weightlifting! When I finally appeared in front of H in this turtleneck, his eyes just about popped out of his head! (although he said nothing!) And then I said, "Well, I have a date, I'll see you later!" and I left! (I think he feels pretty sure I'm not referring to romantic-type dates, but it's one of my little ways of creating mystery!)

So, to NOT make a long story shorter, I have made *some* changes along the lines you suggested--I got my hair highlighted for the first time in almost 20 years (it's normally a really boring brown), lost weight, actually getting BELOW my ideal weight for a while (involuntarily, but that was a silver lining that came out of the mess), started wearing makeup regularly for the first time EVER, got a few new clothes, and started leaning more heavily towards wearing clothes that show off my rather hot little physique (if I do say so myself!); I wear lingerie tops with shorts to bed now (don't want to seem to be trying TOO hard, but want to look good--we haven't seen each other in the nude since the bomb, although we slept that way before, but for a while after that I was wearing baggy t-shirts on top; no more of that now!).

I think you are right in that I could certainly stand to upgrade my wardrobe a bit more. (I also have plans with my friend to teach me all the stuff I never learned about wearing makeup, so that should help too.) My work is on the messy side, so I would be foolish to work in anything too precious (I'm a lettering artist, working from an office in our spare bedroom, and prone to splashing ink on myself, even with some protective clothing). I'm rather an introvert, and I spend most of my time at home (although I've been working hard since the bomb on getting out and seeing people more, which is another 180 for me), and I'm just a jeans-and-a-t-shirt kind of gal, so my wardrobe is mostly pretty slouchy. I would be open to suggestions, though. All of my jeans fit me rather attractively now, and I'm actually looking to dress in a way that's more...um...sexy.

This is definitely a 180 for me. Before, I would occasionally wear more provocative stuff just for H (he really loved seeing me in that sort of thing...I have received a LOT of gifts that he bought at Victoria's Secret...now I know for a fact that he shops at places that specialize in plus-size lingerie, which would probably make a nice tent for me and a Shetland pony ), but I rarely wore anything particularly revealing in public. I don't know why, but it made me nervous to have other people pay attention to my body.

Now, except for wearing the lingerie tops to bed, I wear the sexier stuff when I go out in public (not TOO outrageous, though! I'm still a good girl!), and I LIKE getting that wide-eyed second look! (I've actually gotten hit on a couple of times since I started changing my wardrobe, which is very weird and uncomfortable for me, but I guess that's par for the course!) And there is no occasion for me to wear anything special just for H. As I have said, he sleeps in the same bed, but never touches me, except for usually giving me a quick peck goodbye. I feel like I have some contagious disease where he's concerned. So I try to get out and spend time with people who actually want to hug me and talk to me and make me feel worthwhile!

So, that's my probably overly-long description of where I am in that regard...does anyone have any fine-tuning suggestions about that? I'm sort of anti-fashion gal, as you may have gathered by now, but I would like to be as attractive as possible without sacrificing comfort, and it would be nice to give H a jolt (in a good way) while I'm at it.

I have INFINITELY more self-confidence and self-love now than I did at any time before I recovered somewhat from the bomb...at that point I figured out that what H was saying about me (and other things) was so completely unreasonable that there was no reason to hate myself any more (I figured there was no danger of me going to the opposite extreme and getting a swollen head...especially with H in it's-all-your-fault mode). I don't know if I've explained that very well, but basically he said so much negative stuff about me that I knew wasn't true, I figured out that there might actually be a lot of positive stuff about me that was, and I would be better off if I operated from that paradigm. So just like that, almost thirty years of basement-level self-esteem was switched off. I still fight the suicidal depression I've had all of that time, but I'm coming from a bit of a different place now. It's too bad I didn't have that eureka moment years earlier. I do think it helped to realize that, although you'll never catch my face on a magazine cover (I think it is very average), I'm in such great shape, and OW is so NOT (she probably weighs twice what I do, despite being 20 years younger), that H was doing more or less the equivalent of rejecting Christie Brinkley for...oh, Roseanne Barr, perhaps? Helped me to realize just how completely CRAZY his thinking is right now! OP is always a trade-down, right??

In other news, one of the credit-card bills came that covered the time when H was out of town for four days, about three weeks ago. I wasn't snooping, I don't think, because my name is on the account too, but I did open the bill and look at it. It appears that H took OW to the same B&B where we spent one of our wedding anniversaries. I had noticed that H always took OW to those big chain hotels (and not cheap ones, either!), and figured he wouldn't take her to a B&B, because it involves more personal interaction with the staff and other guests (usually) and they would have to work harder to avoid revealing that this was an adulterous relationship. H and I discovered B&Bs on our honeymoon, and have been staying in them whenever we have the chance ever since.

I did pretty well when I saw the bill, all things considered, although I was angry, but I was sort of expecting it sooner or later. You know, the longer this goes on (affairs), the more boundaries get crossed. For a while, I was thinking, if H ever brings OW here to our house, that's the last straw, and I'm going to have to just let go and tell him it's time for him to pack his bags. Well, he did cross that boundary, and I was pretty upset, but was mostly able to hide it from him (some of my anger leaked out around the edges, and I don't think he's done it since). Then it was, if he ever takes OW to someplace we went for a special vacation, I'm done. Now it's if OW gets pregnant (never mind that to my knowledge he has never admitted to anyone that he has had sex with her...I have seen proof that he has, but have not said anything to him about that). Truth is, it's hard to predict how you will feel and what you will do in situation x, y, or z with your spouse, until you actually experience it. As we all know...

I thought (as I'm sure most of us did) that if he ever cheated on me, I would be done with him; he would only get one chance. Well, he's on his third chance now, and I am NEVER going through this again unless God convinces me otherwise. I am not sure I would survive another ride on this roller coaster. I almost didn't survive the first two; I spent months after each of the bombs planning the perfect suicide, for hours every day. I started doing better when my ADs kicked in each time, but it's still been a long, hard road. Sometimes the only thing that held me back from suicide was the fact that I didn't want to make it easy for him to get rid of me and legitimize his sordid relationship with OW.

I still struggle extensively every day with anger and vengefulness and unforgiveness. I don't think I have let too much of that leak out to H, but I know perfectly well what's behind those locked doors in my psyche. I want him to suffer as much as he has caused me to suffer. I know that's not right, and I haven't done anything to bring it about, but I still feel that way all the time. I know I need to overcome these feelings, but so far I haven't figured out how. I need to check out that website that glamgirl mentioned, and I have a few books to read about dealing with these things.

Sigh. Why am I here again? Is suffering the point of my existence? Sometimes I wonder. Am I whining? I hope not. I feel stronger, but still very discouraged. Sad. Angry. Somewhat hopeless...although not so much for myself personally any more, but for my M.

I pray a lot. I don't always know what to pray, so in the absence of a better idea, I pray for God's will to be done in all three of our lives. I pray for all three of us to find God's perfect path for each of us. I pray for wisdom and strength and courage. I pray to know what the right thing to do is, and to have the strength to follow it through. I pray to have the right attitude about everything. I pray to be shown where I am wrong and how I need to change, and for the ability to change as needed. I pray for help in forgiving. I pray for a miracle of restoration for our M. I pray for clear direction, because everything so often seems fuzzy. I also pray for all of you on this board, that you be made whole, with healed R's, and that you walk bathed in the light, perfectly in line with God's best plan for you and your lives. I hope you will pray for me as well, if you feel so inclined.

I had a little lull in my workload for a week or two, but it is picking up again. Among other things, I am doing a *ton* of work for a stationery designer (through whom I get a large proportion of my clients) who is getting married herself in a bit over a week, and I know I'm not going to get paid full price for it (if much at all) but her wedding is going to be a major feature in a TOP wedding magazine, so hopefully I will get enough business through that avenue to completely justify all the unpaid work!

So now...must sleep a bit and then back to work! If you've gotten this far without falling asleep, I'd love to hear your feedback!

Peace,
Dawn