Thanks for replying to my post. Looking at it now, it seems kinda ridiculous to start obsessing about what I'll do for our anniversary. She won't want to be reminded of it, though we will absolutely both know about the day. We never forget, and I do always get a card. I think it's good advice from you and Sandi, to just let her know that I'm thinking of her on the day. She will know that anyway.
Lola, I'm sorry you had to go through the anniversary thing recently. Sounds like you handled it with your usual applomb and diplomacy. You amaze me, you really do.
I did have a really rough day yesterday, and though I really tried, I just ended up weeping and joining the self-pity party. lol
I went to my 12 step meeting yesterday, which I always have kind of mixed feelings about. I know that I'm doing something good and positive for me and for all the people in my life, and though I know that it's not something I have to do just because my wife feels so strongly about it and has cited it as one of the main reasons for our break up, and I must do it for myself, I do sometimes get depressed about the fact that I am there, and there is no support or encouragement from my W. So many of the other people at these meetings seem to have hugely advanced problems of serious addiction, with multiple partners, prostitutes, etc. Many of them are still in relationships or marriages where their partner is standing beside them. Sometimes I want to scream at them, and say, "For God's sake, look at what you have with your partners and the support and love that you have". I hope I can help them too though with sharing my experience and my huge sense of loss and remorse.
I guess yesterday I just began to feel a little overwhelmed by the enormity of all that I'm going through right now. It's the endless self-examination, reflection, SA meetings, counselling, journalling, self-help books, and of course just the dealing with the day to day situation of living my life without love, affection, and even much social interaction.
I think the biggest thing is the fact that I have lived my life for the last 8 years working 14 hours a day, pretty much on my own most of the time, for 4-5 days a week, and then returning home to my "other life".
Ostensibly, on the face of it, that hasn't really changed. I'm still trying to earn a living and to provide for my family, except now I don't have the love and support of my W. Of course, I still want to do this, because I must look after her and my children and keep a roof over their head. It feels like it's still the right thing to do, and frankly it seems like my options are few.
I would give up my career and even look at options outside of Music, even though I have done it since I was a child. But there are so few options for me that would get me a job closer to home, and that would continue to pay our bills. In any case, she doesn't want me to be there anyhow, so I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
It's also so difficult to gal here, as any friends, hobbies, etc. that I did have are part of my other life at home, which of course I no longer have. This makes it all a bit hard to cope with sometimes.
The good thing is that it gives me an opportunity to really look at myself, and to work on my issues. I know that is a good thing.
My W did say last week, that maybe I could home in the week, rather than at the weekend. Or to alternate it week to week.
I had thought at first, that was maybe so she could feel free to pursue her R with OM at the weekend without me around. But perhaps on reflection, this might in a way, be another baby step, and an opportunity to show that I could alter my lifestyle and be there for the boys in their day to day lives for a couple of days a week.
This might be a good thing, although being alone at weekends are a real killer for me. It's not so bad during the week, when I can just focus on my work to get me through.
Sandi, since our S, it is my wife who has said that she wants to be friends. I don't think she has any problem with that. The difficulty has been with me dealing with her affair, and the idea that I could be "just friends". Though through DR, I have come to realise that the ONLY way toward repairing our M is through re establishing that friendship. It's not just that it would be a good thing, it's absolutely crucial, and since I have started down that route, she has definitely softened a little.
My worry is that as soon as she sees that I am apparently comfortable with friendship, she will initiate THE talk about our future and D. That's what she said before. "I want to get to the point where we can be friends and talk about our future. If we decide to divorce then we will do it together to save any bitterness".
I guess I still don't REALLY know what that means. If she is so dead set on her being "done", and wanting to move on in her life, then why doesn't she just file now and be done with it. I can see that she might be holding off because of our kids, her Mum (who now lives with us), the family home, finances etc. But currently I find it hard to believe that she's holding off because of any hope she might have of her feelings toward me changing. "I don't love you, I don't respect you, and my trust in you has died".
That's pretty damning.
She might also be waiting for the situation with OM and his wife to reach some closure, so she can feel able to move on with him. She is a very loyal and faithful good person, and I know she would feel bad about taking up with him if he was still with his wife. Though it has not stopped her from pursuing an EA with him to this extent.
I have learned that WAS do speak in absolute negatives, but I have seen some positive steps as a result of my efforts of late.
I know I'm living too much inside my own head, and I've still got such a long way to go.
It's funny you saying that I'm a romantic Sandi. My W says that I'm not romantic, and that everything revolved around sex. I really don't believe that's true. If that were all there was to it, how could we have stayed together for 20 years? Also, our sexual relationship was not terribly good for a long time, and if it had been just about sex for me, then I would have moved on many many years ago.
That not withstanding, I know that she has felt lonely, isolated, and unfulfilled. She has said as much to me, and I know she has put up with an awful lot for a very long time. It's interesting about the rule of thumb for 1 month for every year that you are married to repair things. I guess for me that could mean another year of this.......
Oh God.
I know I can cope with this if I can see even small gradual steps toward improvement. I keep praying, keep working, and trying to have faith.
Thanks so much to you Sandi and Lola for being there for me. I really don't know how I would manage were it not for your compassion and kindness.
me: 45 w: 43 Married 19yrs Separated 6 months 2 children Bomb April2008 OM/EA May 2008. Not filed yet.
