Guess I'm staying here awhile longer

[istherehope]

Hi Daisy,

Sorry that this was frustrating for you, but I don't think that it's as bad as you might have thought it was. It's only been 2 months, right?

I don't think your H decided that it was over because of 1 argument. The WAS says mean things, and focuses only on the negatives. So one bad moment can outweigh all of the positives, unfortunately. This is why it is so important to be extra vigilant in the things we say and do. I've fallen prey to the need to push R talks, and it has not gotten me what I wanted. Basically the WAS will either say what they think you want to hear (which may not actually be what he/she is feeling), or will say something very hurtful on account of feeling pressured and confused. Neither of these outcomes are particularly positive. One gives you false expectations, while the other false despair. I have seen both of these with my H, and hopefully now will learn to shut up as a result!

I think that maybe you are not yet at the point where you can share your needs, and ask for the things that you want from the R. I know it's unfair, but you've mentioned 2 things that strike me here. 1, your H is young. He may not really understand yet what it means to focus on you, because he needs to understand how to focus on himself. This doesn't mean that won't change, or shouldn't change, but it might be better for the time being to encourage him to focus on what he needs. 2, it's only been 2 months. I know that there is that "rule of thumb" about 1 month for every year of marriage, but honestly I'm not sure where that came from. I do understand that the longer the relationship, the more time it will take to repair, but each situation is different, so it might be better in your case to see this as still the beginning, or at least the intermediate stages rather than being at the point of piecing. This might help you not to get your hopes up for a quick resolution.

I think the ML at the end was positive. I don't think you scared him off, maybe just made him a bit skittish. He's still going to counseling with you. He's still coming over. I really see a load of positives here. If for the next couple of weeks you don't backslide, things may improve dramatically. Can you keep R talk for the counseling sessions only?

ITH