OW visiting in October

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Hopeful
Oops. I stand corrected.

Thanks for pointing me in the right direction!

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Ok. So I am feeling the need to take a stand and put and end to this affair and all others or at least to stand up for myself however, I have always been the outspoken one and he felt controlled. How do I stand up for myself in a loving manner? Can I?

[HOPEFULinCALI]

I am sitting across from him right now as we watch a movie but he is too distracted texting her right in front of me. Yesterday was our 8 yr. anniversary. Nothing of course. I moved back in Saturday out of convenience. Everyday he texts her and calls her right in front of me thinking I am to stupid to know what is going on. I am going crazy. This is too painful.

What do I do? What can I do?

[Jimbo]

Hi Hopeful,

I'm so sorry for your sitch. I'm just beginning the process as a LBS compared to you, so I don't know that my opinion of what to do will help you much. Like everybody else here (including yourself), I've touched on the whole "going crazy" thing along with the intense pain. We really do love our spouses, and want to make things work. But they've got to want it too. No matter how much we want them to wake up and have the scales fall from their eyes, we have to resign ourselves to the fact that it really is their problem. I've thought myself around in circles, and keep coming back to that basic fact. There's no way around it. And so we wait.....and wait.....and wait.......

I've had a tough time understanding how a spouse who has been so loving and caring in a R can develop this "temporary insanity", and just seem to go off the deep end, and then, almost as if they were knocked in the head by an unseen force, come to their senses and come back. Some do it promptly, some do it MUCH later, some not at all. I started asking myself why, and went on a search. What I found may be castles in the air and false hopes, or it may be at least a clue.

Have you considered looking at the transits in their astrological chart? I know that, at least for me so far, what I have found in my Ws chart (which, incidentally, I had recently confirmed in the OPs chart) was a very interesting grouping of transits that seem to explain a LOT of what is going on with my sitch.

Now, I'm not a full-fledged astrologer by any stretch of the imagination, and very much a pragmatist, but I also have an open mind to anything that might potentially help my sitch. And if it could help others, even better!

At least it might give some hope that there actually would be a potential ending date to all of this, or at least a date to step back from and look at the sitch to see if anything has changed for the better.....

Willing to explore?
-Jimbo

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Jimbo,

Well it couldn't hurt but I don't know the first thing about that.

Thanks for stopping by and bringing me down to earth (or up to the stars ). I have been at this for nearly a year now. I am just so frustrated. There seems to be no end to this madness. It has been EA after EA for the past year and this last one has become very serious. He is talking about moving to NY and he is definitely planning on taking it to a physical level.

Thanks again.

[Phoenixdeux]

If he follows through I do she how it is possible to save this M in particular because the affair is calculated. What do I do? I am tired of ignoring it.

I don't think you should ignore it. If he continues on his present course then kick him to the curb until he knocks it off and can prove he'll be faithful. But that's just me. It's my impression that men will suddenly chase something they can no longer have.

[Phoenixdeux]

P.S. Are you able to kick him out? If so, I'd do that. If not, I'd tell him you are done, and mean it. Do not share a room with him (or get out if possible) and start avoiding him as much as possible, up to and including going out without explanation. Maybe not even come home if you don't feel like it. Basically, make sure he know you are cutting him out of your life. He's using you as his doormat and you need to stand up for yourself. Go forward with your life. This affair will implode and then he'll chase you. He might even help it implode because he knows it's not going anywhere (he just wants a piece), and he will fear losing you.

He has to KNOW that you are done with him. Being angry isn't enough. He has to realize that you have kicked him to the curb before he'll take any notice (if he's going to). Up to you at that point if you want to try again.

[Jimbo]

Hi Hopeful,

Well it couldn't hurt but I don't know the first thing about that.

I know the first thing- maybe not the second or third, but I'm making my way...

If you can get the OPs birthdate (date including year, time, place of birth, etc. - not always possible to get everything, I know, but the more info, the better) it's easy enough to get a chart done for free on the internet. One of the places I went to allowed you to put in the birthdates for two individuals, and get a free compatibility chart. (Maybe pie in the sky, but I'm remaining hopeful anyway - the chart drawn up between my W and the OM showed that they were about as compatible as oil and water!) If you're interested, I can pass along the website address. But rather than pin your hopes on that, I think it would be interesting to see what sort of configuration(s) of transits were in your spouse's chart, and compare them to the OWs. I have a THICK book of transits that I could look them up in, and see what jumps out of the mix, if you would like me to pursue it. The only potential problem I see would be if you were uncomfortable with giving out birthdate info on a public site (which I would have a hard time blaming you), but then again, I don't think anybody here would have any REAL way of using that info against you anyway, since we all operate under monikers. If you want to try, I'm sure we could figure out a way to do it.

No probs. We all have our weaker moments when we lose faith that things will EVER change. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have fantasized about going over to the OMs house and punching his lights out and threatening him to stay away from her, or dragging my W away from her apartment and making her move back in to our house to keep her away from the OM, but it's all just that- fantasy. I always come back to the reality of the friggin' waiting game because I know enough from reading all the other posts on this board that trying to actually DO any of those things in real life is just going to make the sitch worse, and take things that much longer to work through!

You should be really proud of yourself and your efforts for having the tenacity and strength of character to stay with this for a year- good for you! Don't give up! I hope that I can duplicate your stellar efforts. I found out about DBing about 3 mos. ago, and have just gotten comfortable enough with getting into doing a full-court press of LRT within the past month or so. Results are really slooooow in coming, since I see my W only once a week, if that. (Depending on whether she decides to go on yet another out-of-town trip over the weekend with the OM or not). But I AM seeing results. The biggest thing I've learned is that sometimes results slide- W takes one step back for every one of my hard-fought-for two steps forward.

About your H trying to escalate his newest interest to a PA- maybe his stash of viagra could be inconveniently "misplaced" at the "wrong" moment?

Keep the faith!
-Jimbo

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Phoenix,

P.S. Are you able to kick him out? If so, I'd do that. If not, I'd tell him you are done, and mean it. Do not share a room with him (or get out if possible) and start avoiding him as much as possible, up to and including going out without explanation. Maybe not even come home if you don't feel like it. Basically, make sure he know you are cutting him out of your life. He's using you as his doormat and you need to stand up for yourself. Go forward with your life. This affair will implode and then he'll chase you. He might even help it implode because he knows it's not going anywhere (he just wants a piece), and he will fear losing you.

He has to KNOW that you are done with him. Being angry isn't enough. He has to realize that you have kicked him to the curb before he'll take any notice (if he's going to). Up to you at that point if you want to try again.

I can kick him out but then I would be left to deal with the mortgage on my own. We are currently in two different rooms. In November he leaves for the CHP Academy.

I am struggling. In the past I have always been VERY outspoken and never held anything back. Now I am playing nice guy. I drop hints that I know about his affairs and when the first one started I confronted him with the things he said in chats and emails. This last one I sent an email to but when it didn't stop I didn't push. I think I can stand firm without being b****y but I fear he will run faster in the other direction however, what do I have to lose he is running in my direction and right now he is a lying cheater. Perhaps just like it took for me as a WAW he has to really feel like I am done and I don't think he gets that yet. How do I approach the sitch? Do I try to uncover the affair?

[HOPEFULinCALI]

If you want to try, I'm sure we could figure out a way to do it.

Thanks I am interested to try this. I am going to look into it.

No probs. We all have our weaker moments when we lose faith that things will EVER change. I can't begin to tell you how many times I have fantasized about going over to the OMs house and punching his lights out and threatening him to stay away from her, or dragging my W away from her apartment and making her move back in to our house to keep her away from the OM, but it's all just that- fantasy. I always come back to the reality of the friggin' waiting game because I know enough from reading all the other posts on this board that trying to actually DO any of those things in real life is just going to make the sitch worse, and take things that much longer to work through!

It is a struggle. I wasn't the easiest person to live with. I was very opinionated and outspoken in my M although I didn't realize it at the time. I never meant to be hurtful or controlling. So my 180 is to be just the opposite but I hate getting walked on. For me I had to see that he was done, he wasn't going to wait for me anymore before I came out of the "fog".

You should be really proud of yourself and your efforts for having the tenacity and strength of character to stay with this for a year- good for you! Don't give up! I hope that I can duplicate your stellar efforts.

Thank you. You can absolutely do it! I have told myself a million times I am done. It does get painful. I am a better person for it now though through DB. Hang in there!

About your H trying to escalate his newest interest to a PA- maybe his stash of viagra could be inconveniently "misplaced" at the "wrong" moment?

Ha Ha. I thought of that. I looked for it b/c I saw the delivery slip and know that he picked it up two days ago. I think it is in his car. That will be a hard one to pull off but heck if I don't try.