If you're truly done with the marriage -- then you should be able to deal with seeing your H.
Since as you just wrote -- you no longer want your marriage restored and are no longer living in hope and faith that he will somehow, some way, someday wake up and realize all he is losing.
But IMO from many other things you've written...I do not believe at all that you're done.
I do think that you VERY much still harbor a desire for your marriage to be restored.
And that is why you're still in so much turmoil around your H and with the whole situation.
People who have truly moved on and are done -- are indifferent. You are NOT indifferent!
I think you're in denial about how much you still want your marriage restored -- and thus it truly would serve you to continue DBing. You have nothing to lose and so much potentially to gain.
Yes, I want my old marriage restored, but not the one I had for the past year or so. My H says he has become a different person--and that is true, he has. The new him is unappealing to me, honestly, but I miss family life and we were together for so long, that of course I miss things about him.
Seeing him reminds me of my late H (as I like to call him), which makes me sad. He insisted on needing "space," now I'm doing the same.
I'm not in denial nor am I detached--I'm just taking it a day at a time.
I appreciate the honesty--but not sure why it comes across almost as anger toward me. Everyone says how this stuff puts you on an emotional rollercoaster--yet when I fess up to being on the downswing, I am told that is unacceptable. DBing is a goal. It's admirable, for sure--but this stuff is highly stressful and we are human, after all. I don't like being scolded for doing things the "wrong" way. I am who I am and I truly have no intention of or desire to win my H back. There is no way he could undo some of what he's done and said. It's HIS loss too, even though, yes, I still struggle with anger and pain over the whole situation.
So what if my H has seen me express pain and hurt?? Good--he should know that his actions have had an effect on me.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I don't think anyone is expressing anger towards you.
What you perceive as "scolding" I see as attempts of encouragement and to try and give you a wake up call.
Again, it is always perception -- and you seem to be, as I said before, a willful woman with a "glass half empty" type vision.
I do think it is frustrating for people on DB to watch a situation unfold, where there is clearly still lots of potential for restoration -- and watch someone give up without a fight. I've been on here a long time -- and I can't remember anyone else who has given up so easily or so quickly.
I just truly feel that b/c you are so stuck in your anger -- and rightfully hurt by the situation -- that it is your ego and pride -- which are understandably so wounded -- making the decisions. And that just breaks my heart.
But then, that is only my perception.
I do think someday you will have a clearer understanding of all of this -- and realize all the missed opportunities.
I think that many of us here on DB, who are further along the path, are sincerely trying to help you to see them now -- before they are lost forever. And there are some very effective life techniques that DO work if implemented consistently.
I have personally coached 3 dear friends to a complete restoration. So I KNOW that it can be done.
But these were 3 very determined, strong, committed women -- who sincerely wanted their marriages and families restored -- and who were humble enough -- to be willing to do whatever it took for however long it took. And it was NOT easy...but they were all successful.
I truly believe in the the marriage vows...for better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health.
I think most of us on DB choose to view what our H's or xH's are going through -- is part of "the worse" and/or that it falls under the "sickness" aspect of the vow. And since I am so not a quitter -- it is just astonishingly puzzling to me when I see someone just give up before they even enter the battle. I just don't "get" it.
Obviously there is no guarantee that if you do attempt to really did do the necessary work -- that it would ensure a successful restoration -- and/or the return of your "late" H or a new and improved version.
And only you can make the decision if you are willing to really fight for your marriage or not. But no matter how impossible or unlikely it may look now -- it can be done.
I think that all anyone here on DB is trying to do -- is to hopefully help prevent you from making anger and ego-based decisions that will have life-altering and life-lasting consequences.
Ultimately, we only wish you the best whatever path you choose to follow.
I'm a little reluctant to keep posting here because, while I know the things people have said recently are meant with the best intentions, I feel like I am being judged and told that I better clean up my act if I want to save my M (which I have no intention of doing right now.)
But I do want to journal, so here goes: This evening the girls were supposed to sleep over at H's, but at the last minute they said they wanted to stay here. Of course, I couldn't say no even though I am hosting D12's slumber party alone tomorrow night and then H is going away for three days and I'll have them.
H stopped by anyway so that we could all discuss some of the things he has agreed to get for the party tomorrow night. The girls and I decided to order Chinese food for dinner, and H was sitting there, so I asked him if he wanted to join us. He said "so I'm invited for dinner?" I said I guess so.
It was so weird, the four of us sitting together eating dinner in my/our home just like we did for years and years. D7 said "I feel weird that you're not married." Before dinner, H puttered in our garden a bit and then put a flower in a vase on the table. It was a totally fine, chatty dinner. The girls excused themselves and H& I talked a while about someone we both know.
Then he announced that he was leaving, thanked me for dinner, kissed the girls and left.
And that's when I started to hurt again, after DBing totally throughout dinner. I was friendly and pleasant, I sat there trying not to display any emotion as H talked about the various apts he's been looking at (to rent; right now he's in a temporary sublet.)
The thing is, he has always been a nice guy--to everyone--so the flower and the courtesy is nothing special. He did that kind of stuff while he still lived here but planned to leave, and made sure, over and over again, that I knew that nothing he did should give me "false hope."
So even though these things seem sweet and like--wow--baby steps--I find them really confusing. I'd like to have a friendly R with H where we occasionally all have dinner together, but it does leave me feeling awful when he leaves. And now the anger/hurt/pain is starting to build, and I'm feeling resentful that I will be the only adult on duty at my D's slumber party. He seems to enjoy me/us, is kind and even warm--but for him none of that translates into him feeling the "right feelings" that he needed to stay with me.
This is why the constant contact with H isn't good. It's an opportunity to DB, yes, but when he leaves, my sad feelings catch up with me and set me back.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
This is why the constant contact with H isn't good. It's an opportunity to DB, yes, but when he leaves, my sad feelings catch up with me and set me back.
This is what makes us believe that you are not ready to give up on your M. Don't worry no judgment here or 2x4s but I think that when you say those things it is out of your anger and hurt.
It really is going to be hard to see him everyday and just like in DR it says that when "Acting as If" if might hurt like hell and feel uncomfortable at first but you will get used to it and realize that it is best to just put a smile on your face and ASI you are happy and getting along fine. Hopefully he will come around and realize that he misses this amazing woman who is joyful and fun to be around.
Hang in there and keep posting here. We are here for support during those low times. Don't feel like any of us are judging you. We only offer insight from an outsiders view from what you have already said about your sitch.
Oh wow, tonight was really scary. I am still shaken up. D12 is having her slumber party. H came by for the cake and--since it is raining torrentially here and he lives over a mile away, I offered to drive him home (we share the one car now.)
I dropped him off, and on my way home (D7 was with me), I hit the back fender of another car--and the fender came off. I am pretty certain it was not my fault, and that I had the right of way (or maybe it was the rain and I skidded? I don't even know.) Anyway, this has NEVER happened to me. I have NEVER been in an accident. I started panicking and crying, which made D7 hysterical. I called H and he talked me through what to do a little. Eventually, the police came and I pulled myself together and calmed D7 down.
No one was hurt, and I know that's all that matters--but it really upset me. My anger at H bubbled up all over again--for leaving me to deal with so much alone, for casually talking about his new apt that he'll be renting to me as if we're in it together, for taking an apt that he can't afford and then finding out that his parents are making up the difference (which makes me feel like they are just enabling his behavior.)
It also made me worry about myself--was it being so stressed out that made me get into an accident? I remember reading that the risk of getting into an accident is much higher during the year after separation. It all happened so fast and it disturbs me that I don't even really know if I was at fault or if it was the other car.
And then--we got home and H didn't even call at any point to make sure we'd gotten home safely.
Meanwhile, earlier today he brought over two dozen pink roses, I guess for D11's party. I didn't ask. He also helped clean up a little after the cake--and while I appreciate that, I think his kindness makes me feel even more hurt--because it seems easy for him to be kind in a superficial way (helping with stuff) but none of it translates into love.
Summer, I am indeed still affected by my H, and my ego is wounded, but it would take a miracle for us to reunite--on his part and on MINE. If he came to me tomorrow and said he wanted to come back, it would be EXTREMELY hard for me to trust him or love him properly again after this.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
I always come here when I feel upset, so I guess I will again now, even though no one has responded to me in days and days.
H came to pick up the Ds this evening and they were all excited to see him. They started talking about how he'll be moving into his new apt Oct 1. He's had a sublet until now. Then they were saying "Daddy, can we get a hamster when we move?"
After they left, I broke down crying. It is SO hard to see my girls all excited about H's moving on. Am I supposed to pretend to be excited for them?
Since June, he has lived in a furnished sublet. Now, he's got an unfurnished, one-year rental--which means he will be taking some furniture from our home. I am DREADING that. Again, I don't want to sit there and act AS IF it doesn't hurt like hell that he's so comfortable doing this, that I'm going to be left needing to replace a big armchair, a few rugs, a sideboard, dresser, etc. I don't want to have to pretend this is all OK with me for the kids' sake. IT HURTS. He's a selfish, arrogant A$$ and I kind of hate that my Ds still adore him.
Me/X-H: 47/48 T 19 yrs M 16 years D14 D10 ILYBINILWY: 10/07 H moved out 6/08
First, I'm sorry to read about the accident. I'm glad you are ok, I hope it all works out in the end.
The crap with your H is tricky, isn't it! It's not surprising that your D's are excited by the change. Here's what I think. For now, and for a few years, he will be able to "fool" them. (At least the younger one, the older, maybe not.) But in the end, they are going to see who and what he is on their own. IT would be really bad for you to do anything to try to help that along. For now they need to love and respect him, even if he doesn't deserve it.
So, I don't think that you have to act excited for him, but I think it would be best if you didn't show your hurt, either. One reason being the kids. The other being that any negativity he feels from you is going to justify his actions, in his mind. So, I don't think you need to throw a party, but try to stay calm about it, I think.
