God give me the patience and the strength...6

[theotherhalf]

Forgot to tell you of my adventures yesterday. ("see, it's all about him" bad, bad)

Work was terrible. If my boss wasn't so good to me I seriously might be changing again. I've thought about going to work in a factory. More money, and benefits. But never liked it before, actually hated it. Don't know if it would be any different now.

Anyway...I got home from work and see there were cows and calves in the hay field next to our property. I called H, he was at work. He says to see what I can do, if I can't get them call him back.

Not just a couple was out, the whole herd was out. And of course all spread out. I wish someone was there to video. I actually acted as though I knew what I was doing. I got them in with out any problems. Thank God for 4 wheelers. Would never have been able to do it on foot. For one, I am petrified of cattle. But on the 4wheeler, I am okay.

I was so proud of myself! I called H back. He was pleased. I told him I was so proud of myself I could just #&%@&. He laughed and said "they are pretty cooperative so don't give yourself too much credit".

Well come to find out H knew exactly where they got out. This fence is really old and there was a place that 4 post were broke off. H knew this. Just hadn't gotten around to fixing them. I was kind of ticked, but said nothing. He told me what to do and I fixed it. He's so dambed paticular and I just knew it wouldn't be right. Well he stopped after work. Inspected. Said "You did fine, you did just as I would have done"

He was still at my house and was telling his B on the phone about them getting out and stuff. He told him he got here and TOH had it all taken care of. Everything was fine. I was pretty proud!

So something positive at the end of a crappy day.

[a new 2moro]

AND YOU ARE HAPPY WITH THE CRUMB HE TOSSED YOU....

[WCW]

an2, IMO toh was accepting congrats from her H on a job well done. That's something she doesn't get often, and she welcomed it especially after a crappy day and then dealing with something she was scared to do. This is EXACTLY what she can do more of, things that will show her H what she is made of and do things that will make him proud of her.

toh, if you get yourself a good horse those cattle will be easier to round up than with a 4wheeler.

So, you feel better and look better on the outside. Now work on the inside, don't be a person you don't like or want to be.
If you know you say too much, don't say anything at all or count to 99million before you speak out.
You can get a real sore tongue from all the bite marks.

[theotherhalf]

an2m Yes I am and proud of myself too!!

Thanks WCW!

The horse/4wheeler thing is a matter of opinion. My BIL and I have discussed this before. And at least I am confident on the 4wheeler. A horse I'd pee myself! I love horses but am scared to death of them. When H and I first got together we rode all the time. H's family always had them. Later on there were no more, I quit riding and now am afraid again. And the older I get the worse it is.

Working on the inside...I like most of me...but I am searching for the bad. And really really changing the out spokenness about me. Have been for some time. But when I feel really strongly about something the emotions just pour out of me. Learning to hold back some.

[WCW]

Horses vs 4wheelers - I think it makes a difference what the cattle are accustomed to also. My cattle start bellowing when they hear the skidloader because they know that means food. Other than that our cattle handling is done from horseback.

We helped some friends move their cattle and the owner of the place drove in the pasture with his 4wheeler to help. He just scattered the cattle and we had to round them up again which went much better once he shut down the 4wheeler.

My sis uses a 4wheeler in her dairy herd and her cows are afraid of horses!

Just goes to show that cattle are all different and what works for one doesn't work for another. Hey, just like us!

Keep working on the inside. Baby steps....

[theotherhalf]

Just goes to show that cattle are all different and what works for one doesn't work for another. Hey, just like us!

Exactly!

Thanks WCW

[theotherhalf]

Life is sucking pretty bad for me right now. Work is really bad. D17 and I are going around about money and school work. H chewed on me the other day about her school work so then I'm having to get on her myself because of course he doesn't say anything to her. And H is again avoiding me.

It's Friday night. I am home alone. No where to go, nothing to do.

I just don't understand what I did so wrong. Why H doesn't want to be with me anymore. Why I am left in this life alone to go on. Why I worked so hard all my life to end up here. I always thought my cup rannith over and now it's so dambed empty I can't stand it. The girls have school, work, sports, and friends. They don't need me anymore. At least not the way that would occupy my time.

I'm so tired of all this. I am tired of being alone. I hate it. I'm tired of not feeling worthy. I'm tired of being rejected. I want to be happy again. To be loved. To laugh. To feel joy in my life again. I want someone to talk to, share with, to cuddle with. To love me like I love. To honor me, to respect me. To want me. What did I do so wrong?..,

Sorry, having a really really bad day and needed to vent.

[WCW]

Oh boy, here we go again.
STOP this cycle. Tonight is a good time to find your own GAL without depending on someone else.
THINK about things you can do to find a smile that doesn't pertain to H and kids.
You CAN do this. Stay away from H tonight, even if he calls and invites you in for a fire.

[theotherhalf]

I'm sorry WCW. But thanks for being here for me. I don't know how to stop. These feelings are ALWAYS here. I fight them 24/7. I feel like H's yesterdays garbage and have told him that many times. Nothing helps. Counceling doesn't help. GALing doesn't help. Posting here doesn't help. Work, etc...

The only time I feel joy anymore is when I spend time with H and family. They are so deep in my soal. Like the song by Keith Anderson. It fits me to a T. Otherwise I feel so empty.

I have to go get N14 from VB. I'll be back...

[theotherhalf]

It's like I am stuck in a life that wasn't chosen for me. And I can't find my way out. I do not want to go find someone else, to start over. But at the same time I don't want to spend my days left here on earth alone.

So...what do I do about it? Everywhere I turn there is a dead end. I'm so tired of searching...

I would give anything to just get one more chance with my M. One more chance to make it the best it can be. I want the chance that others have had on here and went on to make their M's better than ever. Oh how I pray for that. But I know that I cannot do that alone. I cannot make my H love me again.

I just want to go to bed at night with a smile. I want to wake up in the mornings and look forward to the day. Like I did over the last 25 years, up until 4/07. What the hell happened? Where did it all go wrong? Why did he leave me? What did I do or not do? Why did he quit on us? Why can't he see my worth?

I know you or anyone else don't have these answers. They are just questions in my head that go round and round. Just putting them here to get them out a little. I guess what you might call thinking outloud.