Still moving in a positive direction

[4kids]

Make those memories, man!

Blink and they're grown up and gone. Happens way too quickly.

N.

[SirPrizeMe]

Frank, you're getting a lot of support around here. Great to see.
Amy, you've said some things which are really interesting.

"It wasn't a decision to change." You were changed. "the performance of a lifetime." etc etc

I'd love to read some more introspection on your part. Not so much a timeline, but yes, a history, your story.
People have asked for a "trigger" but I'm getting the feeling that there was no "trigger". It's like saying, what was the trigger for your broken femur to finally be healed? There was no trigger. It takes a long time to heal. My guess. But anyway, very interested in your story.

[frank_D]

Feeling very positive today. It's going to be a good day with lot's of accomplishments.

This morning W was not here at the time D17 normally gets picked up by her. So D17 is panicking and asks me to take her to school.

While we're driving W calls her cell and says "I'm here at the house so come on out". D17 of course explains that she had me take her because she was going to be late.

D13 has been sick with the flu but is going to school today. W does call, says she "wasn't late and didn't know why D17 made me take her". I said nothing, just let her know she could come get D13 at the usual time.

I made coffee and thought I'd be nice and make enough for her also. She was grateful and thanked me. Said that she needs coffee to start her day.

I jokingly asked her if her friend she's living with, 'P', has a coffee maker.

W says "Yeah, it's a complicated espresso machine"

Then she goes on to say "Everything there is 'just so'. 'P' has a lot of rules you have to follow and she's very 'clean'. Well I guess that isn't a bad thing"

She didn't seem real happy about having to live with someone and having to follow the rules of their house and then having to follow my rules for visiting.

Anyway, I was nice to her and I'm in a good mood. I pray for her and expect good things in my life.

[fig]

Frank... I propose you don't let her stop by all the time

i think she likes coming over because she gets to still see what is happening...she gets to pretend she is still a good mom and you still love her unconditionally.

she doesn't have to take ownership in any of her actions

and

she is seeing, by your actions, that she is still a great person. I mean...you make her coffee, you let her come over whenever she calls, you adjust your life to fit her schedule almost.

Frank...you seem to me to be such a wonderful person, so caring and kind and I wonder if you let all your friends treat you the way she treated you?

If yoru friend treated you like crap like she has done, repeatedly, would you still be so kind to them or would you be more guarded?

I used to let my friends walk all over me. And then, inside, I would feel rotten about myself and wonder why they treated me like that.

People treat us how we allow them too. When I finally learned that lesson and learned to set up boundaries, amazingly enough, I was treated differently. I lost some people I thought were friends. I gained some people who treat me better than I knew to expect.

you can not be afraid to lose her Frank

[AmyC]

Frank, you're getting a lot of support around here. Great to see.
Amy, you've said some things which are really interesting.

"It wasn't a decision to change." You were changed. "the performance of a lifetime." etc etc

I'd love to read some more introspection on your part. Not so much a timeline, but yes, a history, your story.
People have asked for a "trigger" but I'm getting the feeling that there was no "trigger". It's like saying, what was the trigger for your broken femur to finally be healed? There was no trigger. It takes a long time to heal. My guess. But anyway, very interested in your story.

I am working on a recap of sorts and I'll post the thread in this forum sometime in the next few days.

[frank_D]

Frank... I propose you don't let her stop by all the time

She doesn't stop over 'all the time'. She picks up the kids in the morning. SOMETIMES she visits them in the evening.

i think she likes coming over because she gets to still see what is happening...she gets to pretend she is still a good mom and you still love her unconditionally.

Of course she gets to see what's happening. And what exactly does that mean right now? Well it means that MY house is functioning without her, MY kids are being cared for without her. More and more I see her seem uncomfortable or unhappy when I do see her.

I am not. I'm pretty comfortable now with my life. It's got a lot of challenges in it and I expect to overcome them all.

she doesn't have to take ownership in any of her actions

How will she ever learn to take ownership if she doesn't constantly see reminders of the consequences of them. She is losing out on the nightly interactions with her kids. She is losing Frank.

she is seeing, by your actions, that she is still a great person. I mean...you make her coffee, you let her come over whenever she calls, you adjust your life to fit her schedule almost.

I fail to see how she would think that my actions say she is a great person. When I speak to her I have a tone of 'polite distance'. I am 'nice' but not anything beyond that. And I end conversations quickly.

I work at home so there is no adjusting of my schedule. If she calls to come by there is no inconvenience. and like I said, she usually comes by once a day for 15-30 minutes.

Frank...you seem to me to be such a wonderful person, so caring and kind and I wonder if you let all your friends treat you the way she treated you?

Nope, I wouldn't. The key here is that she TREATED (past tense) me the way she did. She has never been mean or vindictive. She is emotionally immature and it all stems from her childhood abuse.

If I cannot forgive the past, and love her as the mother of my kids, treat here with decency and compassion then what would you have me do? If we divorce I'll have to deal with her for several more years. I'm not going to be an SOB, nor will I be a doormat.

If yoru friend treated you like crap like she has done, repeatedly, would you still be so kind to them or would you be more guarded?

I'm very guarded. In my conversations and actions. The NICEST think I've done lately is put a little more coffee in the coffeemaker so if she wanted some, it was there. Woo hoo.

I used to let my friends walk all over me. And then, inside, I would feel rotten about myself and wonder why they treated me like that.

Me too. I don't do that any more. I do acts of kindness when I feel like it. I don't let people guilt me into anything any more.

People treat us how we allow them too. When I finally learned that lesson and learned to set up boundaries, amazingly enough, I was treated differently. I lost some people I thought were friends. I gained some people who treat me better than I knew to expect.

I totally agree. W doesn't ask me for anything. She stays away as I've requested and visits sometimes after asking me permission. So far I have had no reason to say 'no' because it doesn't inconvenience me.

you can not be afraid to lose her Frank

I'm not. My only hope for her is that she goes through a journey that converts her into a woman I could actually be a partner with. Since I cannot control that, and since it's anyones guess as to whether that will actually happen, I choose to let her go and see where life takes me.

The authentic Frank would treat anyone the way I am treating her. With decency and compassion while maintaining my boundaries.

Thank you fig for caring about me. I think everyone can see that I'm all right now. I don't know what the future holds for me but I do know that it's going to be very good.

[frank_D]

Another casualty of divorce and kids. Got my auto insurance renewal and since D17 just got her license the rate went up several hundred dollars.

The insurance company has a 'good student' policy where they will give you 10% if the kid is a good student, gets an average of 'B'.

well D17 is usually B or better.

So I asked her about her last semester report card telling her we'd save a couple hundred dollars and she reminded me that last semester was really bad for her and she got a D, some C's and a B.

I felt bad for her. I forgot that she had not done as well as she normally does. It's like divorce creeps into every little aspect of your life.

I feel like telling W that because of the effect on D17 we're paying an extra $220 per year and she should pay it. But that is petty and not worth it.

[phoenyx]

I felt bad for her. I forgot that she had not done as well as she normally does. It's like divorce creeps into every little aspect of your life.

yep, i'm now having the same fight that i had in january. xw wants to put s9 on meds because he got an f and 2 d's out of a stack of papers that were all a's. his self esteem sucks because he has adhd(xw diagnosed), it has nothing to do with the fact that good grades/behavior isn't recognized, only the bad. ignores the fact that problems started when she split. ignores the fact that behavior improves when daddy was engaged, fiancee leaving was a blip on his map, and her involvement in his life didn't affect him at all, thus minimizing her own involvement in hurting her children yet again....
went through the process of diagnosing him for meds in january. his doctor, his father(that's me), his teacher and his therapist, all agreed. the teacher coddled him, the therapist is a quack, his doctor isn't qualified, and my ego won't allow him to be on meds...... so now she is taking him to a specialist. maybe he can tell her that his problems are because she treats him like her mom treated her, or that divorce isn't good for children, or maybe he can tell her to leave his daddy the f^c# alone and let him live his life, accept the fact that she screwed up and atone for it instead of poisoning everything she touches...... stop blaming me for her miserable life, and deal with her issues at least for the sake of her children.... 3 years post bomb in october, 3 years post d next march
yeah accept that our walk aways know what they want(and let them go). right, regret doesn't matter. regret comes in many different forms, and causes many different casualties.
guess i should have posted on my own thread, sorry

[frank_D]

No, I'm with you. If they COULD stop blaming they probably wouldn't have become Walkaways. They would have been people who take responsibility for their lives, not expect someone else to do it for them.

[phoenyx]

there's no such thing as divorce when it comes to children. when it's final, there just becomes more dysfunction.