Hi there, I started a couple of threads here a while back, but, I live over in Separated. Infidelity is present and I can use some help figuring things out.
W moved out in April to start a "break" from the insanity of 3 kids and from me. She rented a room from a professional guy for 3 months and got involved with one of his friends. She moved to a new place and stayed in the family home for a week or so during which time I drained the cell phone of the text messages etc. I had been running a keyboard logger and after the cell snooping, I accused her of getting pregnant, having an abortion, and screwing around with multiple guys. She denied it all and said that my snooping was the last straw, that was it, we're done. PDT and a few others responded that with that much smoke there was surely fire. Well, the old me that entered into a co-dependent relationship with my W 18 years ago would bear anything and swallow anything to keep the girl.
I've been growing partially due to DBing and because I've been working on me in other areas. Last week, the new me, the one with self-respect who isn't willing to put up with the same crap gained ascendancy. I reorganized the text messages into threaded order and I've read through them several times.
Based on other history and her texts and email and phone conversations etc., I believe that my W has had sex with 5 other men including possibly before moving out. Right now, it looks like she has one primary OM and another that she sees a couple of times a month or less and one that she is dodging, but, doesn't want to cut off contact with completely.
I don't have solid conclusive proof, aka photographic evidence of naked bodies wrestling in the sheets, but, I'm convinced she is screwing around.
Since the blowup in late July about my snooping, I had quit snooping for a while, but, more importantly, I started really DBing very much a LRT. At our last MC, I had 2 goals, that she would agree to come to MC again and she would not file for D for 6 months. She agreed.
Since then I've seen a couple of very small changes that are heartening. We argued over the phone 3 weeks back, but, it lacked the vitriol and rancor of previous fights. Then, she left me a voice mail referring to the shot record requests for the kids for school and said "you got the papers when we were at the pediatricians, I'd be amazed if, I'd be great if you'd sent those in already, but, if not we really need to get them sent in." The "I'd be amazed" part is a nicer slam than I'd have gotten a few months ago and then she stopped herself and got more polite. There is no other way to read that except that the negative emotions are draining away. Last week before the holiday weekend, I asked what W was doing as I expected her to be partying with one or another of her OM. She told me that she was planning on taking the kids somewhere fun on Monday and that I could come along if I wanted to or take a break. I got back to her a couple days later and told her that I was planning on going to the Taste of Colorado and that she and the kids were welcome to come with me. We did and it was a great time. In fact, one of her complaints about me has always been how harsh I am with the kids and how often I raise my voice etc. I didn't have any of those behaviors during our outing. She gave me a kiss before leaving, but, it was cold at the start and then warmed up. Lastly, my birthday is in a little over a week and I asked her if she would spend Friday evening and Saturday with me for my birthday. When I asked yesterday, she asked where would we stay, would she stay at the house, and then she suggested that we spend all day Saturday together going on a long hike.
I'm heartened by how much better we are interacting, but, that's not the end of the story. Last night W only worked until 7pm and then I could see she stopped by the liquor store and called OM#1 at 8:30. To help finalize and confirm for myself that she is involved with OM#1. I finally tracked down his address, went over and spent a while going through our van and the cell phone that OM#2 gave her that she left in the car when going into OM#1's house. I'm thinking that they don't know about each other. Oh, I could cause so much drama for my own amusement, but, I doubt it would help me reach my goal. PDT, I know you took a more active position exposing everything to the light of day, but, given the changes I'm seeing, I'm not sure that I want to go there.
Here's where I can use some help. I'm a little concerned about the multiple affairs, it seems quite different and I don't know how to read that. I'm having a very difficult time deciding what to do. I've accepted the infidelity. Part of my struggle is that she's the only woman I've ever been with and I made peace with that a long time ago only now I'm finding that peace shattered and I really don't know how to reconcile that with this infidelity. I'm having a hard time because I want things to work out with my W, but, I'm hurting and lonely and feeling the weight of the responsibility while she is out running around so carefree. I want to cast my responsibilities to the side and party like I'm 22 again. So, it feels like the pain is more than I can bear and yet I can't bear to hurt the kids with the D and I'm afraid to change what seems to be working.
Bah. That's why I'm here, I could use some perspective from some folks here.
