New month, new strategy

[pisces9]

Hi ITH- my H thought all his problems were from me too. thats what i mean.

you need to give him space so he can realize that isnt the case.

if i kept pursuing my H and pressuring him in any way this would not be happening right now.

im not going to piecing....im happy here and not many people over in piecing seem to be progressing once they get there....

you can do this!! you can make it through today!

[istherehope]

(((Pisces))), (((Daisy))),

Thanks for your posts. Daisy, I sent that email about the joint sessions on Sunday, so it's been nearly a week now and he hasn't bitten, and I have no idea if it's even registered with him. We have had plenty of contact since then, and most of it pleasantries vs. business contact, but this just hasn't come up. I hate to bring it up again, so if he doesn't, I guess I will just send a followup on the day of the session and ask "are you on for tonight or would you like to postpone?" If he wants to postpone, I can do the session without him.

He still doesn't know I'm going to Dublin on Monday. I mean last week on that day that I panicked, the day of the scary email and call, I sent him an email telling him that those were the dates I was thinking, unless he was planning his trip to Prague soon, and then that I could choose different dates to watch the pets. Of course, no response. Then on the joint call last week, Jody said to plan the trip myself since it was for me, and to let H make the decision about contact while there; of course he liked this, as it put him in control of our contact. So, I've bought my tickets, but as I am going to need to stop by the house, I do need to let him know, even if he doesn't want to see me. This will give him the option not to be home. I am waiting for him to reach out to me on something else though before I send an unsolicited email as I don't like to break his days of silence... Yesterday he didn't contact me at all, so there is a decent chance that he will today. I guess my deadline for letting him know, in case I don't hear from him before, is Saturday, so that he has 2 days to think about it. I think this is only fair. I am not even sure if he is flying back from South Africa today, or what his schedule is like. This is weird too that I don't even know this.

Pisces, my H is now at the point where he seems to have a lot of guilt that he can't make me happy and doesn't feel like he can be a husband. I will try really hard to just validate his feelings and focus on positives, like things I have learned from him throughout this process to show that he does have something to give, even in his darkest hour. He has not said "ILYBNILWY", but he has come very close. I am pretty sure this is how he is feeling at the moment, so this is an added layer of complexity. Did your H ever say this or insinuate this? The truth is I have felt like this at points throughout the M, and I think if we're all honest, most of us have. I just don't know though after all of the effort he is going through to make himself feel better, if he will have the emotional energy to try and rebuild feelings. I hope that I can show him that it can be a nice process, and that it doesn't have to be emotionally draining...

Anyway, I will try not to think about this yet. I can't focus only on today yet, but I can focus on the weekend. I can make it through the weekend, and I'm really looking forward to being in Dublin for 2 days even if I don't see H! I will see my pets, will be in my house even if only for a few hours, and can get my hair done.

ITH

[istherehope]

OK,

I know I am not supposed to let H's every little move/non-move impact me, but it's been nearly 48 hours since we talked, and it's never gone this long. I really am confused. I am 100% positive that I have not done anything even remotely pressuring this week. This has been my best week ever in DB terms. It feels like he is just pulling farther away from me with each passing day, and that instead of building our friendship, which he always said he wanted, he is trying to erase our relationship. I know I shouldn't read so much into this, but the fact that he set a schedule for contact and ignored it, then the fact that he ignored my birthday email, and in fact just didn't reach out to me at all on his birthday seems incredibly weird. He had a session with Joanne 2 nights ago, and I would have thought if anything he would have been a bit nicer afterwards. He usually is. Now I feel like he's completely gone dark. he hasn't even gotten on IM.

OK that's it, just needed to vent as more than anything I want to call him and ask about his birthday. If we actually WERE building a friendship, I would be able to do this...I also REALLY want to let him know that I'm coming to Dublin. Ugh.

OK I need to be positive again. I can get through this day and this weekend WITHOUT contacting him. Sometimes maybe no news is good news? I need not to panic, and not to assume the worst...

Should I avoid sending any emails?

ITH

[JCJ]

Hi ITH

It may just be that he is busy in South Africa. I wouldn't read anything into it. Also, birthdays and anniversaries are difficult times. They are confused and don't know how best to respond. I also would read anything into that either. Carry on giving him space. If you need to initiate to let him know when you are going to Dublin then do so. I would say though that as you are initiating you may want to post the email here first for checking

Have you got your joint DB session tonight?

[istherehope]

Hi JCJ,

The joint session is next Wednesday actually, the day I get back from Dublin. So, regardless if whether it is joint or individual in the end, it will be a really interesting time to have it. I know SOMETHING will happen in Dublin. Even if we don't see each other, I will be online and he will see my status as "in Dublin" and will be likely to reach out to me. Also I will be going to the house, and he is likely to ask me if I came by etc., if he is not there when I arrive. If we do see each other, obviously it would be good to get H's take on the meeting, or then again, maybe it wouldn't knowing his frame of mind! I had originally thought of leaving him a small gift from Poland, something not sentimental like maybe a bottle of vodka or a small painting of the main square (he's painting these days) with no note. However, I sent him a present from Amazon that he'll get when he returns to Dublin, 2 books, no I love you notes, 1 was Time Out Prague, with the gift note only "hope this comes in handy", the other was Living and Working in Portugal, as I know this interests him, and I just wrote "to go along with your Portuguese phrasebook". This is probably more than enough, and probably I shouldn't have even sent them, but they are both books related to his own interests and activities, so hopefully they'll be well-received.

In terms of the no contact today, it's the 1st time it will be 48 hours between contact. However he might actually be on the plane as well. I hate that I don't know this. It does sadden me.

I will need to initiate the contact about when I'm going to Dublin, apparently. I think I'll send an email tomorrow morning at 10 if I don't hear from him first.

OK Subject line is "Dublin timing, Garda card" BTW the reason I put in the time that I'm leaving on Wednesday is in case he thought we'd meet up on Wednesday, and also in the fleeting hope that he'd offer for me to stay at the house (which is close to the airport).

Hi,

I'm arriving on Monday September 8th, staying through Wednesday the 10th (leaving on the 550 AM flight).

I need to come by the house on Monday and get my green card and a few things. I want to see the pets too, maybe walk the dogs. Flight gets in at noon, so sometime around 1230-1 I'll be there I'd guess. Let me know if this timing isn't OK.

-ITH

Is the email OK? This is my best DBing week yet, so I want to make sure there isn't any hidden pressure there...

ITH

[istherehope]

Also wanted to ask everyone's advice on something...

I think the answer will be no, but I'd like to hear the opinions.

H's mom reached out to me last month, and said she loved me very much, and was there for me if I needed anything. I also know that she had told him he needed space. However I don't think she realized just how bad of shape he was in, and also how committed I was to making things work. I took the honorable route and said I didn't want to put her in the middle of things, I love her son, am committed to making the marriage work, and that I know she is support for H, and I respect that.

H is already panicking about when I come back. I wonder if I were to talk to his mother, and give her my perspective, if she wouldn't consider whether she should give him some different advice. I mean he may or may not take it, but he really does listen to her. She really does love me, and we really do get along very well. I assume she'd want him to try and make the marriage work, to give it every chance.

I am 90% sure this is actually a bad idea, but it is so incredibly appealing to me right now so if anyone has thoughts on this would love to hear them...

ITH

[JCJ]

I only have a quick moment to post but from my experience no to the MIL talk. It backfired on me lots of times. Michelle says it in the book too.

[pisces9]

ITH-
my H still hasn't said ILY.

remember- JUST WORDS.

i think your email to him could add a little cheeriness to it. it sounds a little scared and rigid. smiley face? something to show you are happy and content. it will calm him down. and you too !

read DR about family members. be careful.

[MsMelancoly]

I agree with JCJ - I would keep the MIL out of it. Pressure is pressure - whether it's directly from you - or indirectly from others. Remember work on YOU - worry about YOU & not him.

[istherehope]

Thanks all,

Pisces, you're right that the email is rigid and cold. It was sort of what I was going for, but maybe it isn't the right approach. I'm just trying to demonstrate that I don't need to see him, and now I'm a little bit nervous about the Amazon books that will be arriving, even though they "should" be low pressure.

So instead, I'll try to make it just a touch lighter by adding the smiley face by the "walk the dogs" comment, and adding "please" to the let me know if this timing isn't OK.

Point taken on the MIL sitch...it is incredibly tempting though!

I'm not at all worried about not hearing "ILY", actually this doesn't bother me one bit, honest. I am more worried that it bothers him that he doesn't feel this way. He has come very close to saying he doesn't feel this way on several occasions, but has always stopped short with things like "I just don't know how I feel anymore", or "even if you are willing to wait, I can't help the way that I feel", these kinds of things...

Hopefully those books from Amazon will not be a big deal though, as otherwise I have done a pretty good job trying to redeem myself this week...in fact if for some reason they don't get delivered until Monday, when I stop by the house, I may even be able to preempt them!

ITH