What are your goals for WAS?

[No Longer BH]

Ok, in Michelle's book DR, she has us make some goals that we can then use as a way to measure if our WAS are making baby steps back to R. For us new to piecing, it would help to hear what some of the goals where for those who made it through and to have feedback on our current goals.

Here is a list of goals that I have created in hopes of seeing results in the next 2 weeks:

1. My birthday was today so I hope H bought me a card. If he did that would tell me I still at least hold a place in his heart, if not, that is ok, just means I still have work to do to make him feel trust with us.

2. H IM's me 2 times to have light, pleasant conversation all on his own. Would tell me he is thinking of me and enjoys have a conversation with me.

3. H wants to stay for conversation after I get home Tuesday night. Means we are no longer as uncomfortable around eachother, and he is not trying to run away from me, but is enjoying my company.

4. H ask about concert I invited him to last week to see if he can go. I have not brought it up since. It would mean we could have a pleasant evening out and a chance to add to his love bank.

Ok, now that I have shared, time for you to share as well. I would love to hear comments on if mine are not action orientative enough or need revision. I would also love to hear what work for others or what others are trying. This is a support forum, so lets share some ideas and try to get some more D busted!

[No Longer BH]

Wanted to post an update:

1.H did not buy me a card for birthday but was very interested in hearing what I did. He did take S out shopping for me and even pichted in a few dollars to help cover the balance of gift. Let S buy a exspensive card that plays music as well and H had to pay for that...so, I see it as a positive because he could have said no, he did not have the money for it.

3. Still hoping for Tuesday Conversation as well. Today when I got home, H wanted to know what I did for birthday and seemed happy that I had a good time. He stayed to talk with me about S for a few minutes and even said he was going to cut the grass on Tuesday night when he comes over. He downloaded some music that I had asked for onto my computer. All seem to be good sings.

4. Left tickets out in a place I knew he would see them. H never brought it up so I am going to drop this goal because I do not want to be seen as persuing by asking again.


Still trying to think of ways to help build up the love bank. H still is set on D at the moment, but I have time in that area. Any suggestions?

[Tipper]

BrokenHearted,
I think your goals were great. I am also happy to see that when one of your goals was not reached that you didnt take it badly but rather looked for the other positives surrounding it.

I would say that your goals to have light hearted conversations with your H are great. I think you are also wise to not push for him to go to the concert with ya. It may be too soon for that type of an evening. But either way it is awesome that you left your tickets out for him to see. It is not to make him jealous, but it helps to create mystery. He doesnt know who your going with, so it will make him think.

My H was also really curious about the things I was doing when he would stop by and visit during our seperation. It is their way of keeping tabs on us and checking to see if we are moving along to fast. I would almost feel like my H was testing me when he would visit and ask so many questions. It is a good sign. After several visits like that, he was soon coming back to me.

I also made goals several times along the way, they keep changing as our situation/Marriage keeps changing. I struggle with the goals from time to time, but they are great for staying focused on what we want.

Unfortunately my main goal is for my H and I to move back in with each other and I dont see it happening any time soon. We have been peicing for four months now, and he still wants nothing to do with living together right now. Its like we are just dating. It is so hard on me, I just want to be comfortably back in our M.

My other main goals are to not be defensive when we argue, and to accept him despite his poor choices he makes. I would also like to continue to see my H come to more family and friend functions. He is making some improvement there, but it has taken a long time.

Unfortunately my H has turned into an alcoholic since he went bankrupt about two years ago. He is constantly going to the bars, a lot of the times he goes with out me, and the other times I reluctantly go with him when I really would rather not.

So for me, my main goals are more like long term struggles. Every thing else in terms of our M has been great. Like another honeymoon at times. We have a great sexual relationship and are truely acting like best friends again. I love that. But the things that are not so great (his drinking & us living apart) are like two huge open sores on my heart.

I have no idea how to make these changes I want to see happen. And I know I cannot change my H, so I dont push these issues with him. I feel like all I can do is to be patient for now.

I know I also have to become more assertive in letting my feelings be known to him. I still feel like I walk on egg shells alot around these two topics. I am way toooooo afraid of him walking away again if I tell him I dont like how much he drinks or that I need a M in which we are living together.

So those are my biggest goals, but I have no idea how to accomplish them. Unfortunately, many people on here think I am putting up with way too much crap from my H. Just like most people I know, they all say that I dont deserve this and that I should walk away before I set myself up for disaster. I Love him too much and I simply cant. He is my man and I intend to do what ever I can to keep it that way and to support him.

Take Care,
TIPPER

[No Longer BH]

Ok, new goals time. I have reached some and some are off the table for now so I making a new list.

1. H stays and has a glass of wine with me at least once a week when he is at the house. He did this last night already so I am good for this week. Yeah.

2. H invites me to lunch within the next three weeks. Hoping I can create a frienship bond and that he will want to spend lunch with me one day soon.

3. H starts to open up even more with me about how he is feeling. Started today to tell me some of his thought and I hope that he continues to do so.

4. H reaches out to me with IM and email this week, wanting to have a talk about something other thatn D or son. Would like to see a funny email from him.

5. Continue to get more hugs from H. Gave me first one last night and my second one today. Did say he was scared that it might give me hope that we might get back together. I reassured him I knew where he stood and that hugs are just nice.

6. Longer term goal...H stops bringing up D or mediation for at least two weeks.

[No Longer BH]

Tipper - thanks for sharing your goals. Some questions for you. You say you want H to move back in, how can you break that down into babysteps? Maybe it could be H spend the night at least once a week. That way you still see progress.

I like your goal on H going to more family functions. This helps you measure how comfortable he is becoming back into the fold of things.

As far as his drinking, my only advice is to be honest with him on how you feel. Do you feel that he is committed to R or is he still on the fence? Walking on eggshells can be very detrimental to any R, not to mention your self esteem. Only you are able to know what you can handle and when you have had enough. Just do not let HIS actions bring you down to that needy place again. You worked too hard at becoming strong, dont slip back into old patterns. Maybe a goal could be H passes up drinking one night to go out with me instead.

Thanks for your goals. I think it helps to have other brainstorm with us so we can look at the positives instead of the negatives.

[Tipper]

BrokenHearted,
Thank you so much for offering that advice.

I really thought that my goals were so unnatainable, but you showed me otherwise. I am realizing that I need to break it into more baby steps and then I may feel better about little bits of progress, instead of feeling scared that he will never want to live with me again.

I guess that I can break that goal down into: My H will spend the night at least 5 nights a week. Right now it is about 4 nights allready that he stays here. But I would feel better if it were to turn into at least 5.

He also just got a hot tub for exchange for a job he did. He asked me if I would like to put it at my place. I said of course. We have wanted one for a long time. And we ironically almost bought one at the state fair a few days ago, but decided to wait. So I was thrilled that he is willing to put it here, since that means he must envision being here more often and maybe even long term.

The family/friends goal is getting better too. He has commited to bowling with my friends & family on a league we have been on for several years together in the past. This means every other weekend he will be around my folks and hopefully he will start to reconnect with them and vice versa.

I really like your advice on the drinking goal. So now I will make it my focus. To try and entice my H to not go out for one night and instead do something with me. Sometimes we do this allready. But the other 4 nights during the week he is often at the bars. Maybe in time I can up this goal into : H will do something with me 2 times on the weeknights instead of going to the bars.

This week has been good. He spent all saturday at our friends house gathering with me, all sunday at the fair with me, all monday golfing with me, on tuesday I went and watched his band play and he told me he was not going to stay and get wasted that night, and then wednesday he spent here watching movies with me. Tonight he said he wants to go out to trivia night with me. So that is some good progress.

I guess I need to stay focused on these little steps so that the outcome goal doesnt seem so daunting and far away.

I cant thank you enough for this piece of advice. I feel better allready.
TIPPER

[No Longer BH]

Tipper, you are doing great. I read up on your sitch and can see how far things have come already in your sitch. It is hard to have patience when we have been at this for so long, but it is paying off for you. Thanks for coming here as well, it helps to have someone to sound my goals off against. Want to make sure that I am staying on track.

I did get a funny email from him today, so yeah! I will let you know what others I hit and please let me know if you think I am in a cheeseless tunnel. Thanks