Lrt VI midlife criis gotta be patient

[craig54]

Poet,


Standing to me is standing before the Lord and standing in her place and praying for her protection, from satan,and outside influences.Also just waiting for her to come out of her mlc. Standing is an extremely personal decision. Not everyone can do it. That is why getting a life of your own is essential. Living your life for you while you wait for your spouse.I will post later about myself.

[craig54]

Lost Phil is like my wife, blind. He obviously does not want anyones help. I hope he can go somewhere where he can get it.

[craig54]

I honestly do not anything I can do to make my situation with my wife more hopeful. She seems bent on getting a divorce no matter what.
Any ideas?

[poet]

Hi Craig,

I have FOUND you again. Have you had a chance to *update* your signature yet? One more thing... you never answered my questions. When was the last time you asked your wife if there was a change in heaven that you both could/would/should make this marriage work?

Have you tried any 180s with her when she is in front of you. Have you bought new clothes, changed your hairstyle, gone on a diet? Have you enhanced your personality, taken a course in photography?

Please, instead of telling me your interpretations of what you think your wife is thinking, tell me what she is doing? What are you doing -- in need descriptive circumstances? Are you going dark, have you ever done that? What is going on with you.

Please respond carefully.

Carefully yours,
poet

[craig54]

Poet,

Well, let's see, the last time I discussed our relationship was 2 weeks ago.After many months I just asked her straight out , if her feelings have changed for me over the last 11 months. She said,no.

We had not discussed anything in months, per DB advice. It made every interaction pleasant, because I was not pushing her.

As far as what she is doing. Over the last few months she has made an effort to come to the house almost every night to see the kids.She comes over and does her laundry and hangs out.

She goes to work ,plays softball once a week , and if she is not at the house, she is at the trailer she lives in, at the rv park.

We do not fight, argue, no cross words, she is in la la mlc land.I pray everyday and night for her soul,and her protection. And God has answered those prayers, he has kept her from harm.
She constantly calls me to see if I need anything at the store.When I ever ask her , she always says no, I am fine. She pays the household bills and does the grocery shopping. She does this because she said the kids did not like the way I shopped.

As far as 180's. I know go to church every sunday and on monday nights for men's bible study.I am playing golf again.

[craig54]

To expand, I have never gone dark, I don't see the point. She sees the kids almost everyday.Our interactions are always friendly.She does her laundry every week. If anyone has a better idea , I all ears.

[poet]

Craig,

It sounds to me like you are in a perfect position to interact with her in some way that is *different* from your usual ways. You were married for 19 years. What were you like in the beginning? Did you take her on dates? Did you ever *do* or *say* anything romantic?

Clearly, if you've been doing some Strong DBing for 10 months, and nothing seems to work -- DO SOMETHING Different! Have you looked into her eyes and spoken to her with kind gestures, such as "I realize you want this divorce, but it is not what I want. Can you think of one thing I can change to make you happier than you are right now?"

Anything is better than just sitting back and watching her escape into darkness. Just my two cents.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))
poet

P.S. Keep talking to me. Tell me specifically what you were like 19 years ago whenever you two met. What drew her to you. THINK!

[craig54]

Poet,

19 years ago I was recovering from a messy divorce, and was raising my two older children.One of the things that attracted my wife to me was how I dealt with my children.

yes we did go on many dates, sometimes with the kids but most of the time by ourselves. We have always gotten along very well. I have talked to her about the divorce and how that I do not want it.It fell on deaf ears, she is in a identity crisi. She is preminopausal, and recently lost over a 100lbs on weight watchers.She will not go out with me, no dates, only when we have the children with us.

Our 20th anniversary is the 10th of september and also her birthday. I plan on sending her flowers for her birthday, but I will be out of town on our anniversary. I do not want to be around here on our anniversary. It will be too painful.I am not angry, I am just very sad, because none of this is necessary.

I have treated her with respect and dignity over the last 9 months.She has treated me the same.It is in the Lord's hands.Only the Lord can save my marriage.I know I have no control. I accept that fact.I love her.

[poet]

Hello Craig,

Well, let's see. That was pretty good. You're getting better. Good for you. I see you as a very passive person, who is deeply in love with your wife.

I see your wife as a person who, having lost 100 pounds has found a new person inside of all that extra baggage that she was carrying around. How long did she carry that weight? Did you encourage her, or buy her pretty clothes or presents while/after she was losing the weight? If not, perhaps now is the time to let her know you NOTICED. I don't know what you've done for her in that department. Perhaps you've already tried to let her know you appreciate the weight loss.

Also, are you overweight as well? If so, have you considered going on a diet too. Maybe you could ask your wife to "help" you since she had such great success. Sometimes, things like that will bring two people closer together. Yes, I know it is hard to do. And, yes, I'll bet you've been trying, but maybe trying a different approach will work better. There is a great diet out there, called South Beach Diet. You could rent the book from the library and read it through.

I could be totally offbase here, but give it a shot. If I'm wrong, please tell me so.

I'm going to bed now, so I'll check on you tomorrow. Keep talking to me Craig.

And, GET YOUR SIGNATURE FIXED ---- PLEASE....

g'night,
poet

[Imageer]

Craig,

I haven't read much of your posts so I might be way off base here.

I know the frustration of having her act good to you. It makes you think that her feelings have changed when in fact her head is in the same place. I am in exactly the same situation in this way. I have been doing this for 18 months and have not had an argument with my W in 17.5 months.

Even at 18 months, I do not think I would be wise to try and have an R talk with my W. Even if her feelings had changed, I don't think she would admit it because I don't think she is ready to deal with it. I think an R talk would just cause her back away.

I think rather than buying her things and asking her if her feelings have changed maybe try and concentrate on being attractive to her. Be strong and confident, flirt with her, compliment her. Make he feel good when she is around you. Make her laugh.

You should also realize that you could be the best man in the world and she will not react if she is not ready. I think I read that you are 9 months post bomb. I hate to say it, but that is not a long time.

Continue treating her the way you are and be patient.