I don't know where to start. I'm kinda exhausted. Yesterday was drama filled. Hubby came over in the morning and we finished watching the movie from the other night. Nothing too special. I was a little annoyed because my dad was home from work sick and whenever my parents are around my hubby is not affectionate towards me and it is making me a little crazy. That is one of the most important things to me and when he won't give it to me I get cranky. . .fast. So there was a little tension between us but we had lunch and went off to our appointment. We talked a little about the issue in the car and hubby said that he feels weird at my parents house because he feels like they might be wondering why we are together but not together and all sorts of stuff like that. I guess he might feel a little guilty. I understand in a way but I told him I need affection and that it is not awkward and that they understand what is going on with us and want us both to be happy. Anyways. . .it was a little drama but not too bad.
Counseling went well for the most part. A couple of tense moments. I don't know. I'm not overly happy with how it went because we are still in the "deciding" phase. As in, deciding whether or not to stay married. I just feel like we should be past that now. It's been 5 sessions and we are still deciding? WTH? I want this decided now! I guess I am just getting waaay impatient but doesn't it seem like I have a right, given how well things have been going between us? I guess not. . .
Afterwards in the car is when the fireworks started (and not the good kind) we got into it about this whole "get back together" issue and it went downhill fast. I couldn't stop myself. I just kept talking and talking and talking. He got angry and we had a pretty bad argument. He was saying things like "we're good as friends" "why can't we just be friends" "things are good but only because it is once a week" blah blah blah.
I'm so sick of hearing how we are good friends. He even thinks we could get divorced and remain friends. He thinks that the only reason things are working right now is because we only see each other once a week or so and that we can't be married because then we will just argue all the time like before. He also started going on about how we should stop having sex because it is complicating things. How he guessed it was decided that it was over because we were arguing. Like over a month of good times can be erased because of one argument? Who does that?!
It was bad and when we got home he went to his car to leave. I know I should have just let him go but I couldn't. I didn't want things to end that way. So I followed him and we argued some more. I tried to calm down but I was so hurt by what he was saying. I thought we were doing so well and here he is thinking it is because we make good friends not because we are getting back together again. We even argued about names because I have been calling him by his pet name but he has not been calling me by mine and now I am supposed to stop because "it is too hard for him to deal with" whatever that means. Apparently because we are not "married" he can't be known as "bunny" because things are not that way anymore.
I don't know if any of this is making sense. I'm typing at like 30 mph and not rereading this. Sorry I just need to vent a little.
Sigh.
Ok. . .eventually we called a "cease fire" and he decided to stay. There are still a crapload of issues to resolve but I just wanted to say "to hell with this" and have a good night together rather than have him drive off in a tizzy and not hear from him for a few weeks. I know I should have just let him go. I don't know why I wasn't strong enough to just turn around and walk away.
So we went to the store to get stuff to make dinner and got a cake for dessert and went back to my parents house to eat. We made some margaritas and were fine. I was really tired though and went to go lay down in my room and he came in a little while later and we messed around and ended up ML so that at least is one good thing. Normally on a day that we argue he would not be willing to have sex for a couple of days. He's not a believer in make up sex at all. So I think that is a good sign.
Afterwards we talked a little and fell asleep. He ended up staying the whole night even though it was not planned. His phone buzzed several times but he did not get up to leave. It was so nice to sleep with him again. Even though we were on my tiny bed. And waking up with him holding me was the best feeling I have had in a long, long time. So that was sweet.
We had the house to ourselves this morning so we stayed in bed for awhile and ML again. Just lounged around and had breakfast. He left at 10:30 because he needed to go home to shower and change before going to work later this afternoon. We didn't make plans to get together again but he was going to call me when he got his schedual which is supposed to be today. So we will see.
I don't know what score to give the day as a whole. There were a lot of good moments but that huge argument really threw us both. He said it reminded him of the way things used to be and the reason things can't work out for us. I know that I am not supposed to believe what he says and a lot of the stuff he said seemed like classic WAS stuff. I know I let my impatience get the best of me I just felt like we were getting sooo close to pulling it back together again and now here we are and I feel like we are still where we started in a way.
Right now I wish I could just give it up and let go. It would sure hurt a lot less.
And waking up with him holding me was the best feeling I have had in a long, long time. So that was sweet.
