I got lost but look what I found.

[JWS]

how did last night go? Hope you have a good day

[iamlost]

Last night went in several different directions, but ended up at a good place.

H came over and moved big stuff out that was his before we married--so now all the ugly furniture is gone! Just kidding, but really (whispering) it's true. Sorry, H.

I cycled through a lot of emotions during the move. At first, I teared up and walked away so he couldn't see. Then, I was happy and glad to be getting rid of some of the stuff. Then, I was annoyed because he was being bossy--I was helping him move stuff. I had to walk away from him a few times. I have to admit that I did snap at him (which led to our good conversation later, so it wasn't a total loss) because he put my huge bamboo plant in such a precarious position while moving stuff that it fell and the pot it was in shattered. He didn't clean it up, and I didn't have another pot to put it in. That plant is one I've never managed to kill--so I love it! Now I'm afraid it's going to die, so I was mad.

Anyway, I snapped at him on the phone after he left with his load of stuff and then called him back and apologized and said I was out of line. Which I was--it was an overreaction. He apologized and said he'd buy me a new pot.

So, we talked on the phone for a little while, and it cleared the air between us that had been smouldering for several days. And, here's the big news: at one point, H told me that he knows he needs to work on himself. I think I passed out from shock, because I have no memory if I said anything in return. But I was super happy for him. Whether he actually follows through, I don't know, but it was a step forward, definitely, for his own life.

He's in a hurry to get things split up and file, and I actually think it's a good thing. He said that he would feel much more relaxed if everything were just squared away, and the truth is--I would, too. We have 6 months from filing till D is final, and if he can actually relax around me during that time, or work on himself, or even try dating someone else (really), I think he will start making progress on himself instead of having me or our M blocking his view, and maybe we can recreate some sort of relationship, even if it's just a REAL friendship.

And I have a new strategy to try--I want to ask him for his help working on myself. I want him to tell me about the things I've done wrong in our R, and how he thinks I could improve, for myself or any future relationship. What do you guys think?

[JCJ]

Hey Lost

I think you have a great perspective on this. I think it is good you made some fuss about the plant, it let him know that you can still get mad without him having to try and push your buttons (if you know what I mean as that was what he was trying to do before).

I'm not so sure about asking him for help... I would go with his flow on this one. You could look at 'real apologies' maybe, if you want to go down that route.

That is great that he knows that he has to work on himself. It says to me that all that stuff he put you through the other day is because he is lashing out and hurting. It almost seems he is floundering and having a separation/ divorce will give him structure. I think you are doing right in not fighting that (and I also think on some level his anger is also to do with you not fighting so he is trying to provoke you). Those six months are a really good chance to DB. JMO.


(((Lost)))

[mishka422]

(((((Lost))))))

I don't think it's a good idea to ask him for help figuring out where you went wrong in the R. Trust me, I did that and it backfired hugely. Go into it very carefully if you do decide to take that route. It could end up just reminding him of all the things about you that he doesn't like and push him further away. Just MHO.

Take care of you!!!!

[pisces9]

I think you hit the nail on the head. he does want to work on himself- and needs his "space" to do it.

him moving his things is just physical space so he can re-evaluate his life. he may not file. i would not push that. he may say that another 10 times and not do it.

all that is just words.

stay strong and dont talk about R with him- back to square 1- if he brings it up let it be about him bc he is telling you what he needs. this is about him. he is lost (not you!)....

sometimes guys just need to clear it all out- my H took all his things and i saw it as a way for him to see who he was and what he is made up of.....

just stay loving. if you want this to work then just SHOW him your changes. you have already done an amazing job...

[JCJ]

I wanted to clarify what I meant a bit. I agree with Pisces, I don't think you should actively pursue the d, I just mean if he brings it up validate, but I think you know that. And exactly what P said, stay loving and be your wonderful, strong self.

[JWS]

HI Lost

I am glad that there were good parts of the evening, and sorry for the bad. I remember how crappy it was to move her stuff out. It does not matter what state of mind you are in or how you are handling things that is a very hard thing to do, so your sad feelings are very much to be excepted.

Stick to the REAL friends strategy, I think that is your best bet and seems to be what works the most for others, and it’s the no lose option, I think you and I are both in a position to accept the possible loss of a spouse but to keep that friendship would be a true gift.

Now on to your question, and keep in mind this is just my opinion and even if I had a road map to this entire new life I certainly don’t know how to read it. I understand the question because I asked her for the same things. In fact it was my therapist idea. He even said if she does not want to talk about ask her to write him a letter with all the things I need to work on so we could get started. Well she blew me off and was skeptical that it was a ploy to get her to talk to him.

I am not saying that he would blow you off too, but lets talk about some possible out comes. He could cooperate and that would be good. He could give you a lot of “its not you its me” and he could say a lot of really mean things too. So is it worth it. Here is what I know from you. H says a lot of things that are out of character for him and don’t make much sense anyways. I am not sure that this would be any different.

Of course you are not with out fault and you have your failings like we all did, but you did nothing wrong that would warrant this from him. This may even cause him more pain because it would be hurting you to tell you what he thinks you did wrong. (that was the case with my W)

Again just my opinion, I totally understand it and you may get something out of it, but it may just be easier for him to let all talk of R or M lay low for a while, and if its easier for him I think that leads to better for you two down the road.

Now I just had a funny Idea of complying a list of all the crazy things our spouses say we did wrong. I bet you it would be quite hilarious to read, because if anyone truly believed some of this stuff we would look like a collection of the worst people on the planet, witch could not be farther from the truth.

[JWS]

totally forgot to put down that I think it is huge that he said he wants to work on himself. that is no small thing for him to admit, now take him at his word and let him live up to it.

[iamlost]

(((JWS, Julia, Pisces, Mishka)))

Thanks so much guys 4ur input--gave me a lot 2 consider. Will write more about it later as I'm trying to type this on my phone with 1 finger! My computer's not hooked up, H was moving more stuff out last night and my apt. Looks like a tornado hit. We had fun though, even ordered a pizza & had a real conversation about his new place. There were some strange, good signs. I feel good, too. Gonna rearrange the furniture & clean. It's a fresh start.

[pisces9]

PMA!!! you rock!

thats the way to do this, girl! sometimes space, physical space is needed to see what needs to be cleaned out of your life!

im very happy for you...