Frank... I propose you don't let her stop by all the time
She doesn't stop over 'all the time'. She picks up the kids in the morning. SOMETIMES she visits them in the evening.
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i think she likes coming over because she gets to still see what is happening...she gets to pretend she is still a good mom and you still love her unconditionally.
Of course she gets to see what's happening. And what exactly does that mean right now? Well it means that MY house is functioning without her, MY kids are being cared for without her. More and more I see her seem uncomfortable or unhappy when I do see her.
I am not. I'm pretty comfortable now with my life. It's got a lot of challenges in it and I expect to overcome them all.
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she doesn't have to take ownership in any of her actions
How will she ever learn to take ownership if she doesn't constantly see reminders of the consequences of them. She is losing out on the nightly interactions with her kids. She is losing Frank.
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she is seeing, by your actions, that she is still a great person. I mean...you make her coffee, you let her come over whenever she calls, you adjust your life to fit her schedule almost.
I fail to see how she would think that my actions say she is a great person. When I speak to her I have a tone of 'polite distance'. I am 'nice' but not anything beyond that. And I end conversations quickly.
I work at home so there is no adjusting of my schedule. If she calls to come by there is no inconvenience. and like I said, she usually comes by once a day for 15-30 minutes.
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Frank...you seem to me to be such a wonderful person, so caring and kind and I wonder if you let all your friends treat you the way she treated you?
Nope, I wouldn't. The key here is that she TREATED (past tense) me the way she did. She has never been mean or vindictive. She is emotionally immature and it all stems from her childhood abuse.
If I cannot forgive the past, and love her as the mother of my kids, treat here with decency and compassion then what would you have me do? If we divorce I'll have to deal with her for several more years. I'm not going to be an SOB, nor will I be a doormat.
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If yoru friend treated you like crap like she has done, repeatedly, would you still be so kind to them or would you be more guarded?
I'm very guarded. In my conversations and actions. The NICEST think I've done lately is put a little more coffee in the coffeemaker so if she wanted some, it was there. Woo hoo.
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I used to let my friends walk all over me. And then, inside, I would feel rotten about myself and wonder why they treated me like that.
Me too. I don't do that any more. I do acts of kindness when I feel like it. I don't let people guilt me into anything any more.
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People treat us how we allow them too. When I finally learned that lesson and learned to set up boundaries, amazingly enough, I was treated differently. I lost some people I thought were friends. I gained some people who treat me better than I knew to expect.
I totally agree. W doesn't ask me for anything. She stays away as I've requested and visits sometimes after asking me permission. So far I have had no reason to say 'no' because it doesn't inconvenience me.
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you can not be afraid to lose her Frank
I'm not. My only hope for her is that she goes through a journey that converts her into a woman I could actually be a partner with. Since I cannot control that, and since it's anyones guess as to whether that will actually happen, I choose to let her go and see where life takes me.
The authentic Frank would treat anyone the way I am treating her. With decency and compassion while maintaining my boundaries.
Thank you fig for caring about me. I think everyone can see that I'm all right now. I don't know what the future holds for me but I do know that it's going to be very good.
