Feeling Discarded

[asmith9976]

My H and I have been M for almost 10 years this November. It has been a very difficult relationship between the two of us. We have D9, S5, D5. A few months ago, I believed, and I still stand by this that a separation would be right for us to get ourselves together. I felt I had lost so much of myself as a codependent due to his Alcoholism that I needed to give myself an emotional overhaul. I told him this in March. I know my H, he is a very emotional and loving man, but when his emotions get the best of him he becomes angry. After I told him about the separation, he was enraged and felt like he was losing all control and couldn't deal with it. Neither could I. I would avoid him as much as possible. All I wanted was time for awhile and a way for both of us to see what we needed to do with ourselves for ourselves. I just wanted him to move out and see what happens. Well, he wouldn't move out so I took matters into my own hands and found my own place to live and then also did he. In the midst of all this, OM grabbed my attention which enabled me to escape from dealing with the true emotions of all this. Further, after one very bad fight between my H and I, the following Monday, I filed for divorce feeling no choice. In July our kids went to my parents for a month and during that time, we got to really talk about things and I believe he finally realized many of his transgressions and what he needed to work on. However, true, he was still focused on us or me and not on himself. Then, when on vaca when we went to go get them, he found out by looking at my phone messages from this OM. He was devastated. We had a few talks about this and he asked if I had sex with him which I did not. Once we got back home reality set in. He hasn't wanted to talk to me or have anything to do with me. For a few weeks I was fine, but then someone told me he was seeing OW. He took her around our old neighborhood meeting mutual friends. Learning this news set me into a tailspin. It forced me to see the transgressions I have made to him. Further, I have discussed with him what I have been thinking about and how I would like at least the opportunity to see if our marriage could work. I just believe if both of us realize what we do to each other and how we interact with each other and could try and change those bad habits, there may be a future for our family. Well, he completely disagrees. He strongly believes we are completely two different people and that getting divorced is the best for all of us. He is pushing me to finish the divorce (I have told my lawyer to hold off) so he can move on in his life. I know his new friend (not OW) is also going through the same thing and they talk. My H told me last night after I told him how important our marriage was to me and he replied with that you can marry anyone, I can change women like I change my underwear. This is NOT my H. I know my H. He is a one woman man and he has always believed in marriage. He is from a broken home and never wanted this for our kids. He feels that even if we do get back together things may be fine then a few months down the road we are back where we were before and does not want to put our kids or us through that. He makes perfect sense. I told him I don't want our relationship the way we had it. I want it to be different. I want us to work together. I just can't help but feel he is being influenced and distracted by new people in his life. He doesn't talk to me anymore. I feel completely discarded and as if he wants nothing to do with me. If it works or not, regardless I wish him the best, but I would at least like the opportunity and at least for his heart to be what it was and open to me. I have NO clue how to handle any of this. I feel as if I'm spiraling out of my mind downward. Thank goodness I have therapy today! Right now I have resided to stop overanalyzing him (his thoughts and actions) and to worry bout what I'm doing. It's very difficult to do. I put no stock into this chick at all b/c rebound flings don't last. Although I admit I find myself wondering whats going on. Again, I'm going crazy in my head. I'm trying to take one step at a time, but I'm actually starting to believe what he's saying that he truly believes we are never going to work together and that its completely over. And he keeps pushing getting divorced which is a step I'm not prepared to take or accept at this very point in time. I was comfortable with separating, but not divorced. I told him to stop pushing me. If he believes its right for him and he wants to file, then do it, but I will not have him push me into something that is a huge decision without being 100%. He says he is 100% sure of getting divorced. UGH!!!! Somebody ease my pain!

[asmith9976]

Completely Lost

Me 32 H 35 D9 S5 D5
M 10
S 2 months

Taking one step at a time

[SingleDad]

You H wants the divorce now because he is caught up with an OW - and is on a new high... That high will not last - just like it didn't with your OM.

The whole separation/divorce is a long rollercoaster ride of emotions. I'd focus on re-building yourself and be happy for yourself... and focus on your three children and what is right for them.

I would try to slow it down and collect your thoughts. Freeze the divorce is you wish. Let H do it if he is so anxious.

No one said a divorce has to be quick - it is likely the biggest decisions of your life and will have the largest impact on your and your children's future - what ever you do, do thoughtfully and not emotionally.