Michelle- I am LMAO reading your post. It's like hearing my own voice coming back at me. Yes, I am happy with life apart from the 'M'. And you're absolutely right- I don't know if the aubergine is a happy part of his new life. That was me ASS-U-ME-ing. And it IS unrealistic for me to expect everything to be sorted just like that. *sigh* DB Coach said I need to be patient, so yes, deep breath, more patience. (Little blips allowed? )
So, last time there was an R talk we'd been friendship building for 6 months. Based on that, I have another 3 months to go before the next R talk. It's a good thing that H is rebuilding his life. Whatever else has happened, he's a good person and he deserves to be happy. (Just fingers crossed he decides I'd be his icing). ((((Michelle))))) Thank you- I needed that.
Julia- I think you're right too- it's a plateau or a mini-cave retreat. More patience. Check. I didn't bring up any naughty bits talk today when we met. It was generally just a normal conversation. I guess I didn't want H to think I was obsessed with naughty stuff. I'll try to think about other things to say. He liked the call and return/tension/epiphany thing though- made him laugh so thanks Julia! He also complained about his mother calling him late at night and expecting a long call. And his e-mail was detailed in describing that he was doing with his friends, so a bit more open. (((((Julia)))))
LMAO Michelle- that's the invite my MIL sent out before we got married
Sorry for getting frustrated- I know there are a lot of positives in my sitch, and I know I need to focus on them. Just sometimes, though, it's so slow I want to scream! No complaints though- I was just reading my DB notebook and noticed I didn't do ay of the things I'm supposed to when I see H, so the subdued lunch is my own fault. Start again tomorrow!
Glad you pulled out of that one relatively quickly. Awesome that you realized that you didn't follow you own notes in regards to DBing at your lunch. I'd never recognize that. I'm not self-aware enough.
You go girl!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Hey Lisa! I cheated a bit, and emailed her a synopsis of things he had said to me and my replies.. so she could see for herself what kinds of things we talked about.. and we focused on that. She told me to stop giving so much attention to the depression/sadness/tiredness... that is hopeless, bleak, thats not going to bring him back. I said I thought I was validating, but she said you need to focus on happy, upbeat...the things that you loved about him when you got together, that he is a fun guy with lots of mates and sociable and witty and popular.. make him see that man again in his interactions with you. Thats what he gets when he's with other people and thats who he probably prefers, not the sad guy, so reflect the happy guy to him.
I wonder if there isnt a parallel with you here. I notice there is alot of low level moaning from your H and your always careful to follow it and validate back...but my ex moaned abuot having to get the train today, so doing something different, instead of saying poor you, thats pants, cant you borrow a car? I said, well that is rubbish your car is broken, but that train journey is really pretty and you're always saying you hate that drive..
I thought this was interesting when you said this about the tone of his emails...
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I just thought it reflected him being a bloke and mainly wanting to talk about fact based stuff.
... well really, is that all it is? But he left you and has been seeing another woman for a year...so do you think there might be other reasons why his emails are so gaurded/neutral??? Do you think he might be keeping you in a holding pattern by being like that? Not too emotional, not rude, just enough to keep you there? I think you should talk to Jody about that one.
I didnt realise that he doesnt look you in the eye much, I think thats interesting too. What did she say about that? My ex looks me in the eye all the time, until I look a bit wobbly or ask him anything oersonal, then he has downcast eyes. But that must be hard for you that he wont maintain eye contact - was he like that before? Its interesting isnt it, makes me think he's not 'done' with you.. you wouldnt behave like that otherwise. If someone doesnt have any hold over you anymore, or effect you, you would be able to look them squarely in the eye. So take heart from that !
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His life seems to be just fine and dandy- he's busy with his friends and new GF, going away, doing his hobbies- those days of him apologising and saying he'd fix things, and being unhappy seem eons ago (3 months?). Sometimes it seems as though I'm chasing a shadow.
...I'm not going to deny that you have a point here (apart from the fine and dandy bit, as he may well not be happy and from things he has intimated to you, I dont think he is happy)...to make yourself feel better, you could look back through your posts and extract all the things he HAS said to you.. not what happened, or how you felt, just the words he said. I did that and seeing it all together showed a clear pattern of someone who is not doing ok. You may find the same ! BUT.. yes, he is living his life, and as Jody said to me, he is still not coming back to the relationship, so why is that? What can you do that is different?
Personally I think you should stop being so damn sympathetic all the time when he vaguely moans. What the hell is he moaning to you for !?? And also, I wonder how he would react if you didnt respond to ALL of his emails/phonecalls. Jody advised me to not always be so available, let the phone go to answer machine and get back to him, or leave the email a day...could you ask her about this? As in your sitch I would think that was even more of a good device, as your H is with someone else.
Also, I will say, you two have never really left each other in that you have continuous contact.. he has never really had to face his decision head on, as you have always been there and he can tell you would take him back in a heartbeat. Maybe he needs to feel the loss of you, before he can realise what he has lost.
But dont listen to me, ask Jody, as she is a genius! You deserve better than those crumbs Lisa, we all do. Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think both you and me needed to pull our socks up yesterday We were both suffering frustration sickness - to be fair we have reason to with our slower-than-snail-pace husbands!
I'm really glad the epiphany thing worked. Why did it sound so dirty when I said it to you yet not when my lecturer was describing it? lol! Probably lucky it didn't as I would have had a massive attack of school girl giggles whilst trying to be a serious scholar
Have you set yourself any goals lately that you can work towards and tick off? Hope you are having a good day.
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I'm not self-aware enough.