Help me Act AS IF, Part 7: The Separation

[SUMMER]

LMG,

Take great comfort that your H IS acutely missing the whole country house experience...and whether he says so or not -- that DOES include you. This is the most honest he's been in a LONG time!

His ego/pride won't allow him to verbalize it -- but since you were an integral part of the whole -- you are very much a part of what he is remembering and missing.

My xH always tells our son how much he misses "all the good times" we had here and there -- and especially our great Christmases.

Now he never specifically mentions me in those memories -- but obviously I am a huge part of what he misses b/c I was a huge part of the whole. In fact, I'd bet like you, we were the orchestrator and the glue of our families.

There is actually NO WAY for them to remove us from their memories! Trust me, they think of us constantly b/c we are the very fabric of their being. They can run as fast and far as they want -- but they cannot ever escape their love and memories of us. They can deny all they want but denial doesn't equal truth.

I remember you wondering how he could possibly give it all up -- especially the country house. Well, now you know that your instincts were 100% on target. He DOES notice and acknowledge and miss lots of your old life.

And this is good! This is what is supposed to happen. He should miss it b/c it was wonderful! You did not imagine that!

It is difficult to know how to separate out what they say now and what is just revisionist history. We aren't the crazy ones. They are rewriting history so it suits their current selfish choices. Don't doubt yourself and don't believe what he says now. Your life was not a lie. He is the one living a lie now. His "now" is not reality. He is a very unhappy man making disastrous choices that sadly impact your whole family.

If you're lucky, and handle things carefully and smartly, you may find that all these experiences that are now so changed b/c of his choices will end up making him realize all he is giving up...and for what?

Take it as a wonderful sign and know to a certainty that he is thinking of you constantly while you're away -- at a place he so loved that is a cherished part of his life he shared with you.

Know that this is part of the Universe's plan to wake him up.

Keep the faith!

Best,

Summer

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks, Summer. I like your take on it. Unfortunately, I know my H--and even if he one day wakes up and believes he made a mistake, he will never cop to it. He is not one to dwell or feel guilty for long. He loves to downplay the whole thing--doesn't like to "pathologize" the girls' struggle with the S. People get separated every day, as he put it.

I spoke with him today and he was back to being all business. In the end, he loves the girls, but he doesn't love me--and that what kills me again and again. He IS happier overall without me, even if he misses my country house and some aspects of our life together.

I keep hoping that he'll fall apart and come crawling back to me, full of regret and shame and sorrow--but I know I have to stop that because I am routinely being disappointed by him and it hurts each time.

I just wish I didn't have to have so much contact with him--which I do, almost daily, in order to manage the girls' lives. I could use some serious distance-but even hearing his voice or exchanging emails un-hinges me a bit.

[newnamenewlife]

Ugh. I just got home with the girls from a 9 day vacation. H was at my house with his sister, who's in town. They came to get the girls but arrived before we did.

Then H and his sister took the girls out to lunch--of course they didn't invite me, and I wouldn't have wanted to go, but the whole exchange has left me feeling horrible and sad and wounded again. The girls were thrilled to see H and they all hugged and kissed. Of course all H & I did was exchange a formal hello.

Then the girls were chatting with H, and no one said goodbye to me when they left to have lunch.

I feel like crying. I don't know how to get over the fundamental truth that H doesn't love me and is happier without me. I don't want as much contact with him as I still have, but I see no way around it. I feel like telling him he has to either get serious with me about working on our M, or move to a diffferent state. Of course, I can't do that and I wouldn't want to deprive the girls of their dad, but for me, it is painful to have to see him and talk with him as much as I have to.

The way we've figured out the girls' schedule with school drop offs and pick ups means I am going to have to see him almost DAILY. I simply can't stand it--why must I be forced now into this situation? I don't want to live like this but I HAVE to for the sake of my kids. It makes me just that much angrier at H for not only leaving me, but then essentially forcing me to have to see and talk with him constantly.

How can I set boundaries for myself without making my kids have to pay? It was OK for H to move out (according to him), but it would of course not be OK for me to tell him I don't want to see him all the time.

I know that I SHOULD be detaching and that that's the way to go--but I can't HELP the way I feel when I speak or see H. I act as if it's all OK, but I am on the brink of tears the minute he leaves or we hang up the phone.

It feels like a waking nightmare to have to live this way.

[newnamenewlife]

bump^

[newnamenewlife]

hello?

[SUMMER]

LMG,

OK, I am going to try this one more time!

Clearly you have every right to handle this any way you choose to do so. But I see a person who has lots of missed opportunities in their story.

But your attitude as always is to only see the glass as half empty.

No matter what anyone tries to suggest to you -- you just turn it around and start in with your usual negative-talk in response. It's kind of ironic, b/c in your own way, you're just as stubborn as your H!

And I will acknowledge, that in the end, you may very well end up being correct that nothing will ever bring your H around. But you don't know that yet.

And therefore, you could be making a huge mistake in not taking advantage of any and all opportunities you still have to change yourself and turn things around.

For instance, instead of seeing the fact that you will have to see and interact with your H almost daily as a negative...

I would suggest that you are being handed a perfect opportunity -- should you choose to use it that way -- to possibly turn things around.

An opportunity I might add, that MANY people here on DB, would give anything to have, in order to be able to DB every day.

You have admitted that in the past, while you still were lucky enough to have your H living with you -- that you did not DB very well.

That was a choice you made.

You chose to be self-indulgent by continually choosing to give in to pursuing or weepy behavior etc. And now you are again choosing -- this time to be a defeatist.

You have to fight harder for what you want!

Stop all the negative-talk and self-pity.

Stop allowing yourself to buy into your H's current seeming happiness without you. No matter what you think...he is NOT a happy man. And this story is NOT yet finished. So why have you given up so easily??

I see the opportunity to be able to interact with your H almost daily, as the Universe giving you a gift, b/c now virtually everyday you will have the chance to DB and to recreate yourself anew!

You only have to "act as if" for a few moments at a time -- so if you CHOOSE to -- you really could create a new impression with your H.

And perhaps, if you really DB well this time -- get his curiosity in high gear. Start creating some mystery. Let him start wondering why you're suddenly SO happy and busy and attractive!

I personally believe that when we want something enough -- when something is worth fighting for -- we should be willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING we can BEFORE we give up and accept defeat.

IMO you never even fought the good fight -- b/c you were never willing to get past the initial "shock and awe stage" and go into battle for your marriage. And you are still choosing to remain stuck in that stage.

But it is NOT too late b/c you are truly blessed with the ongoing opportunity to recreate yourself and force your H to see you anew.

But you will have to choose to stop giving in to the temptations of the past to beg, plead, cry etc. There is no more room or time for self-indulgence and slip ups.

You must want this enough to be constantly vigilant. You must keep your eyes focused on your long-term goal at all times.

It will take great discipline and courage -- but the potential reward is so great I cannot imagine how you would not be willing to stop with all the self-pity and for once start DBing for real.

And BTW...if you do everything and it still doesn't work out...so what?

At least you will be able to know that you truly did EVERYTHING and ANYTHING possible.

What exactly is holding you back?

Remember...you cannot be pitiful and powerful at the same time. Now is the time for you to gather courage and be willing to focus on your goal.

Good luck!

[Separated]

(((lmg)))

I have to agree with Summer 100%. Stop feeling bad for yourself and seeing the worst int his situation and look at as an opportunity to do the best DBing your butt can handle!!! Him coming over everyday because of the girls is a fantastic reason to put these methods into play. I WISH my H had to come over everyday!!

Chin up sweetie and put on that bright smile and start acting "as if".

[newnamenewlife]

Ouch--major 2 by 4s!

You're right--I do tend to be very up and down--powerful and then pitiful. I have never once begged or pleaded with H, though--no way. I showed him my anger and pain, yes.

Here's the thing: I don't really want my M with H back at this point. I am not standing for my marriage anymore, really. I miss what we once had and it still hurts to have heard him say IDLYA, but I want to move FORWARD without him. Seeing him everyday is not, for me, any kind of opportunity to save my M at this point. It's just kind of annoying. Because for me, either we're M and a family of four or we're S--and if it's the latter, then I don't want to see him daily.

I don't mean to get defensive--but I do tend to come here and vent at my lowest points. I mostly have very active, GALish days. I am throwing myself a 45th bday party at the end of the month. I still get miserable and down at times too.

I agree with the DB principles, and I know that many people here reunite with their spouses. I think most don't and, for me, it's better to face that truth at this point and move on.

[SingleDad]

lovemyguy - I have not read all of your thread, but it does seem that your H is doing a better of GALing than you.

He has moved on and so do you... The part about Getting a Life is that is has a great outcome whether or not your H comes back.

And actually, the desire to move on is not all that terrible - it shows that you do not need another person to be there for you... you can make it on your own... That is more attractive than being lonely or clingy to your H.

Being able to move on may be the best way for your H to see you in a different light...

...Yeah I'm the one to talk... I myself struggle with it everyday. Not so much about the dreams that have been ripped apart, but more that I only get to see my daughter 3 days a week.

You are going through the emotional stages of separation - It is progress.

[newnamenewlife]

it does seem that your H is doing a better of GALing than you.

Well, of course--he's the one who wanted out of the M! - although he is actually much more isolated than I am. I have many more friends than he does and a much richer social life. He had more of a life in our M than now, as far as I can tell. He's become a loner--but it seems that's what he wants.

I've had some major setbacks here and there--it's true--but I've also DB'd and GAL'd.
I was just making the point that I'd prefer not to see my H daily and I'm not sure why so many people think I'm lucky to see him so often--especially since my goal is not to save the M.