Please my friends, never hold back your honest advice. This is the best I can do.
I'm Atlas condemned to bear the world on my shoulders. I gave all. I bleed my life out minute by minute to provide for my family. I gave my heart to one woman completely. I'm the faithful husband and dutiful father held captive to the expectations and responsibilities thrust upon me. I cannot fail, the world rests on my shoulders.
Yet, who cares for the Titan? Does anyone even see him? He is permanence and stability, bedrock. His labor is expected, the fruits of his labor their due.
"In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down or cut him til he cried out in his anger and his shame I am leaving, I am leaving, but the fighter still remains Yes he still remains"
I'm weak. I'm too weak to quit and too weak to go on. I feel like the good well-behaved child who never caused any problems for his parents who once away at college flips a 180 and goes crazy. I want to go crazy. I want to cast off the shackles of the expectations and responsibilities and I want to live. I want to experience love and joy and happiness instead of duty responsibility and pain.
JWS, you talked about how I could have spent time with friends instead of investigating my W's van. I should have been sleeping, but, I don't have time for friends and quite frankly, don't have too many of them anyway.
Julia, you asked if I'm looking for permission. Maybe, it's hard breaking free from expectation. What do I hope to gain from solid proof. One thing I hoped from it was something to force my W to have an honest conversation about it, but, I'm also realizing that may not be possible. I wish she was a mean nasty b*tch. It would be much easier to move on. Instead, she is being nicer and better to me than ever while killing me quietly with her unfaithfulness.
I don't honestly know what's going to happen. I'm being forced to choose between untenable positions, between equally bad options. I talk a big talk, but, I know that I'm not ready to take that step yet, while I'm hurting so much that I may.
