ITH- yes Bday message is fine..light and sweet! as for the positives- what are YOU doing for YOU. take H out of your positive equation on another list too… i still feel you are way to attached to his each and every move. it will drive you crazy. im not saying you cant feel those things- but you are very focused on every detail of how he reacts...,he will feel that from you- this is hard to achieve but once you slowly get better at detaching you will feel so much better…it just takes time and I truly know the aches you feel….
i like you new attitude of staying positive. male sure you dont discount positives and say but ...and take away that happy energy!
kick butt at your training session! get it out!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
I know, you're right I feel like I live my day based on what H will do. Now for instance I am thinking he's actually not going to call tonight, and I'm losing my positive attitude. I am really trying to detach, I just really feel like if I do, then nobody will be working for the marriage, and that something will slip by me. I know that sounds weird...
I don't want my life to be too separate from H or I don't know how we'll ever reconcile if that makes sense. I know that's not actually the case because you and other successful DBers have done so, so I need to get over the hurdle somehow!
OK being positive. It doesn't matter if H calls tonight or not, and I can have a nice evening regardless. A call doesn't make or break a marriage!
OK thanks for reminding me of what I need to do :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
(((ITH))) yep- thats all it is..fighting through the emotions of thinking that call, email or chat is going to create "the" connection. if he does contact you thats great...but what works is your actions...so back off a bit for YOU mainly...believe me- it works opposite of what you think. it will draw him back to you.
do what Jody says too
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Pisces--thanks for your post. I am definitely "backed off" now, so let's hope it draws him back to me after all...
Jody told me to try 3 things with H. The first was to send him an email saying that I want to spread out the joint sessions (I did this Sunday, no reply still). The 2nd was to book my own trip to Dublin, let him know the dates, but not ask him to do anything. I have booked the trip, and will send him my dates today or tomorrow depending on when and if he reaches out first (I don't like to send emails when he doesn't contact me first). Finally, she said not to bring up anything in relation to the marriage or relationship with him, and only to show admiration for his own process and progress, to try and show that I am also learning from his example. Since we haven't had any real conversations since last week, I've been unable to do the 3rd in terms of showing admiration, but I have carefully avoided any future talk or "we" talk on our IMs and in our emails.
And I know I shouldn't be upset, but H didn't call last night, and it was his idea to have a schedule, and his idea to call me last night. So it's not so much not hearing from him as the fact that he didn't follow through on his commitment that bothers me. I know he needs to feel like he is in control, but him choosing the day had put him in control.
So, I am going to try and get on with the day and not fret too much. Today is his birthday, and I can't help but feel a little melancholy. I wish I could be celebrating it with him.
Anyway, I am going to stay positive today. I have quite a bit of work to do, and I will focus on this. If he reaches out he reaches out, but I am not going to expect a "magic" event.
Positive attitude...I can get through today.
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Alright literally forcing myself to go to the gym in the next few minutes. I had a real backslide today in terms of PMA. I didn't reach out to H or anything, beyond sending him the birthday email. I think it would have been really rude not to send anything. However it does strike me as weird that on his birthday of all days he isn't reaching out to me in any way. I know his actions don't control my attitude (or they shouldn't anyway!). It's just that he's so inconsistent that one moment I think we're making progress, and the next I think he's decided the worst. I guess I'm mainly confused about why he has ignored my email on the joint sessions, the real 180. I guess I need to remember that even though he is improving by leaps and bounds, he's still depressed and for all I know that email didn't even register with him. I never know when the "real" H is around vs. the alien depressed H.
OK going to the gym now...This will be good for me!
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Out of curiosity, now that you are piecing with your H, has he told you more about what led him to leave, what he was feeling, being depressed, etc.?
Thanks! ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
sort of. he has brought up why he thought "the grass was greener".
one thing was my ability to be athletic. i can do a lot of stuff..but not for long endurance. he is a super athlete and got it in his mind that he wished i could do more. he now realizes thats not what he wants. he wouldnt want that in me anyway.
he also said he had a lot of growing up to do with his social life. reduce a lot of drinking. he was partying way too much and he said he wasnt treating me well.
lets just say i was shocked for him to say these things. and he keeps saying them. sort of his way of apologizing.
he has never really said why he left- and Jody has said you dont ever have to know why. its not important.
yesterday my H and i were talking and he said so are we going to make it. i just smiled and he said whats that smile for. i said yes- im putting all my eggs in this basket. he said thats a lot for one basket- i said yep- but they are all in. now you have to put all your eggs in...leave noting out.
so - we have really just moved forward in a way. sometimes i want to now why- but i think that he may not really know. i think we still have along journey. he haas a lot of self realizations to figure out (as we all do)...
i think he wants to see a therapist together- and maybe the depression issue will be brought up. but not from me. bc he was very depressed for a long time...
unless he has addressed the subjects like his drinking i dont think i would have been as quick to rekindle this...but he saw it very fast ...which is a huge part of depression (drinking)...so we shall see!
hope that helps! thats why i say your H is very sensitive right now w his depression- it will suck you dry if you allow it to. he needs to just be on his own for a while. but he is seeking help which is GREAT!
i know how hard this is..... hugs!
Pisces M 31 H 32 M 7 yrs S 5/10 Beginning Contact! Vibes Hot Tub Cheese
Problem is in my H's case, he believes that nearly everything about his depression stems from the relationship, not just from me but from the way that he was in the relationship, i.e. passive and never doing what he wanted to do. I think he is happy with who I am as a person (beyond the relationship problems), but says he doesn't know who he is around me. He gets himself lost...it's scary as it would almost be better if he disliked me than disliked himself around me. He sees the changes I've made, and now it's about him.
He's been so honest about all of this, maybe more honest than I would like. However I am thinking there might be MLC stuff there too that he just doesn't realize yet.
Anyway I'm so happy about you and your H. Each one of your posts just gets better and better.
I bet you'll be moving on to the piecing board soon!
ITH
Last edited by istherehope; 09/04/0805:46 PM.
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
I think you are on the right track. It does seem weird that he has not responded to the email about the phone sessions. When is the next one schedualed to be?
Also thanks for locking my thread. I started a new one today
