It is apparent that you are going through a rough time and that these are difficult days for you --- as they are for so many others who post here.
Everyone who comes here deserves to be treated with respect - even when you may not aggree with their suggestions or ideas. People are posting to you out of care and concern.
If you would like to continue your privilege of posting here, you must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules and express yourself in a respectful manner.
Please clean up your act. We'd like to see you stay around.
LOL, so you used emotioncons. Funny... You know that was probally the best response. I don't need to argue with people what I'm doing wrong. I know what I'm doing wrong. EVERYTHING!
Everything with her... Because I'm just trying to keep her from blowing up. Not acting like an idiot in front of the kids or others. But there is still those times when she just knows how to get under my skin. Like the child support comment in front of her worker. I felt like crapping a pineapple I was so mad.
I guess the problems lies in the fact that others are not respecting my wishes. I have asked numerous people not to post to me. They still do. I'm not the type of person that just sits there and takes it.
I have asked the people on my thread not to high five one another, and stick up for one another. Let people fight there own battles with me. They take a gang approach, and I have a constant need to knock each one of them down.
I'm the type of person that when he gets kicked, he kicks back harder. Must be the inner city boy in me.
I have asked for support to really read what I'm writing, and it is either I don't know how to write or they do not interpret correctly.
I do not waiver. I'm sorry if you feel I have been disrespectful towards others, that is not my intention. I think I am in constant defense mode. I know why spouse. I know how she acts. I can read her like a book. I have seen the rage, over and over in her. The advice I get instills rage.
Go dark... I get rage. You don't want to see your kids, you don't even call them.
Don't be at her beckon call. You can't even do one simple thing for me.
Etc... etc... it's is a merry go round with her. I would really like to get off.
In my opinion if they cared, they wouldn't try to overwhelm me with what I preceive to be nonsense. I am a man of truth and integrity, and I do not waiver.
Here is another thing. They go and talk about me in differnt threads, like they are infatuated with me or something. Maybe it is the wit, the drama, the writing. It is so sophomoric and high school like.
I don't see it that way at all. Virginia has displayed adequate concern for respect and safety of everyone.
It just so happens I have the attention of the boss. I'm sure Michelle is reading too. I'm sure she could write a book about my sitch. I'll even co-author, we can make a movie.
I wouldn't even be surpised if Michelle writes advice under a pseudoname. If she is, then I probally lashed out at her too.
There are a few people here that have given me excellent advice. Others seem to just want to 2x4 me. Well that doesn't work with me. This is not an AA society.
when you go tit for tat it makes you look like a whiner
we have all had to do tough work we have all had to suck it up and go out of our comfort zone
on this board you get what you give
we all come here lost and tired and confused and looking for hope and a feeling of not being alone
you have insulted a great many people who are simply trying to point out some things that you may want to work on...that will help you feel more in control
please don't ask your kids if mommy has a boyfriend or even what mommy does when she is with them
concentrate on what you can do with them when you have them...your time is your time
when you put your kids int he middle it makes them split their loyalty between you both
kids don't have to chose bewtween you
and they see that she is getting a million tms from you or that their mom is angry when she talks to you or that she yells
don't give her fuel for her fire
and
i never talk from my bellybutton...the sound is too muffled
I really hate this place. I should have never started posting here because all it does is add to the drama.
Then why don't you stop? Why do you do something you hate? What are you looking for here? If you tell us perhaps we could respond with what you are looking for, or we can realize that whatever it is, we can't provide it to you.
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I already know some idiot is going to bash me for treat others the way you want to be treated comment, so don't even go there.
You just did it yourself, which I think is a great step because I can see that YOU are realizing it yourself now. Now all you need to do is execute that control when you converse with her. Some of this stuff is sinking in. I'm so glad to see that in you.
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And the dynamics about the kids the advice given about the kids staying with me on nights she works. Isn't going to work. All she is going to do is cause a big scene and get the children all upset.
I'm wondering if you really think having the kids stay with you on that schedule is the best thing for them (and it seems to be) can you deal with the 'scene' and do what's best for them?
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Yes, I know I had to go tit for tat with her about the shoe prints. Because I know she would have went to town on me. If I would have let it go then she would think nothing of it.
What I'm saying is whatever is good for the goose is never good for the gander with her.
I think you're right, she did need to be told that she made a mess on your floor. But did the rest of the conversation need to happen? What did you gain from it?
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Insolent, vexatious, and quarrelsome. WHY?
She's testing you, she wants you to be calm, strong and assertive. She pushes your buttons to see if you'll continue to deteriorate into the argumentative, judgmental man she has been living with and you take the bait. Phil, you are SO much better than this.
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Why do I want her back? Because I love her? I always did? It didn't matter to me how she acted, what she said.
But then I would get to the point when I just could not take it anymore.
So then it DOES matter how she acts and what she does. You can only 'absorb' it for so long until there is nothing left in Phil to keep 'fixing' it.
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Yes your right. When she hung up on me I should have just let it go. Not texted. Like I was looking for an excuse to talk to my wife. Yes, your right, because I yearn to hear her voice.
I should have not told my children to put their mother on. For one it was a bad time. She was flustered trying to get them to school. Etc... Bad timing. I should have been just happy with the fact that she said she was sorry.
Remember, you said this, not 'me' or 'us'. So YOU'RE the one who is 'right' here. Now that you see it you can start to practice it.
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Imageer, I'm sick of the high fiving and supporting of others peoples post. Keep your comments about what others say to yourself.
Ok, what I'm reading in this comment is you didn't like Imageer's reference to 'others helping' or whatever. I thought a lot of Imageers last 2 posts were very helpful. Didn't you find some good stuff in them? People care about you Phil, that's a blessing.
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Then why would you want to be with a person who treats you this way?
Because when you are verbally abused for 13 years by the person you love, you are used to it. It is normal, and you know what. Someone already said. They all act that way.
This shouldn't be 'normal' Phil. In fact in real mature relationships it isn't normal. You are worth a lot more than how you are being treated. The comment "they all act that way" is in reference to the WAW's, not to women in general. A normal, mature and whole woman doesn't treat their husband the way she treats you.
You are worth so much more.
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Bighands, go away you were not helpful. I'm only angry now because the situation is so crazy. I have no control. I can't control it, and I'm a person about cosmic order and logic.
Ahh, but you DO have control. Over you. Over your actions. And you know it. You admonished yourself in this post for texting her and arguing with her because, as you know, you failed to exert control and stop yourself from doing those things.
You have control Phil. Not over her, over you.
Remember the one big rule about life: When you change, everyone around you changes also.
Take control Phil. You can do it. You're getting closer every day.
I totally understand your anger at her parents and others enabling her. My h's parents totally enable him. He is at this very moment living in a VERY expensive luxury flat in the middle of London rent free and 10 mins from his work. He has his washing done for him and they provide him with a cleaner!! I often think that why, with all that, would he want to come back to our house which requires a fair amount of maintenance and cleaning and is an hour and half commute from work. Life should be perfect from them right? But do they act like life is perfect? My h doesn't and your wife isn't displaying signs of blissful happiness.
The situation makes me very angry but, and this is the but, he is not happy and from what I can see your wife is not happy either. You know why, they don't have us anymore and have to live with the guilt that they left. That is quite a big burden for them to carry.
So, understanding that went a big way in letting go of some of my resentment towards him (although I admit no so much of his parents ooh, I'm getting cross now - taking a deep therapeutic breath!). However they aren't important and I just try to remember that these feelings aren't important to my end goal. There is nothing I can do about that situation (they aren't going to chuck him out) so I just have to realise that I can't control it so focus on the things I can control.
Ok, so she has her lease. That is a fact; it is an upsetting fact but nevertheless a fact. You can't do anything about that. I think we all know that we are in it for the long haul. Turn it around and look at it as a positive that even though you are in this less than ideal situation at least your kids have somewhere stable to go when they are with mum and when they are with dad.
If I were approaching your situation (and please feel free to disregard as this is JMO) I would start with that fact that you both misunderstand each other. What can you do to change that? Start small; what small things can you change in your interactions to come to a consensus (because there is something very satisfying about coming to a consensus!). Once you start doing these small things you may start to build up respect for each other and your differing opinions again.
How do you think your wife views you at the moment?
No Frank, she has always been quarrelsome and vexatious. Always... WAW has nothing to do with it. In fact when she dropped the bomb in a weird way life did get better in some aspects. She stopped being quarrelsome. Because she stopped talking to me totally. She just could not wait to leave. Now that she has left, she still doesn't talk to me. When she does she does become quarrelsome. We are in just a different cycle.
It's my belief that she could have stayed in this cycle without leaving. I might have been able to keep her home, but no, I had to enable her. I had to let her do it. I had to give her five thousand dollars and say go. Here you go stay at home mom, get a job, and her is a 5K to help. Good bye...
Then when she was still at home and I was trying to hold on, I just pushed her further away. Now I'm pushing her further away. Because that is what she wants.
She needs to step towards me, but she doesn't want to yet.
If in fact she does want to reconcile, will I be able to heal. Will she act the same way she did for 13 years, still expecting the same results.
She has the answers, I do not.
What do I want from this board.
LostPhil is doing the best he can for his family regarding his crazy wife. She is the crazy one, and LostPhil is normal.
