I got a voicemail today from H. He was very angry that his truck was not in the driveway. He said, he contacted the sheriff and his attorney. He said the sheriff said they will go and arrest my friends at gunpoint if it's not back in the driveway today. Oh my. (Wonder how he knew a friend had it?)
I called him and he was very angry, repeating the sheriff and the gunpoint issue and saying such things as he is reminding me that he is paying all my bills etc., etc. and I shouldn't be spending any money except for gas and food. ugh!
I was actually shaking in my pants. I tried to calm him down and tell him that I couldn't have the truck back today because I was at work. (He called me on the reference desk telephone and I had to physically leave my station).
On the voicemail, he said I needed to call him today and tell him if I was going to settle or not, because if not, his attorney is going to file today. When I called him, he asked me "Yes, or No?!!!" I answered yes. He was spewing out lots of anger words that I can't even remember right now, and I'm so afraid of his anger. Why is that?
He said of his attorney, "If not, Suzanne, my attorney is going to file. She wants to file." I said, "It's not her who wants to file, it's you." He said. "No, she wants to file. She said it is in my best interest."
More talk and anger by him ... I told him I couldn't talk anymore, and I won't be able to have the truck back today. "Then, I'm going to call the sheriff. Goodbye." I think this is when I left the desk and went outside to call him. I told him I couldn't have the truck back today because I was at work. I'd have to get it back when I get home. He said it was his truck and no one else is allowed to drive it, etc. etc. "I'm going to drive by there on my way to work tomorrow, and if it's not there, I'm going to call the sheriff and I promise you, they will come and arrest your friends at gunpoint because it's grand theft." I tried to assure him I'd get it tonight. I don't know if he believes me. He's so angry.
The R talk came up. I told him I am trying very hard to forgive him. And I know he's having a relationship with Jennifer, and I just wish he would be honest with me. He said he was not. I asked him how come he's talking to her for an hour every night on his cell phone. He said he was not doing that. I said, "OK, I guess we grasping at straws then, maybe not every night, but often." He said, he wasn't, "...and even if I was it's none of your business."
I said it may not be my business now, but it was my business for the past four years. You betrayed me and I'm trying very hard to forgive you. I said that I wanted to --- and I DO --- do everything he wants me to do, and he needs to let me know when I do something that he does not like.
He then brought up the camper and how someone broke into it. I tried to tell him that it was not me, but he did not listen. He said, "You even pushed up the window when you left last week," etc. etc. I said I didn't but he became enraged again and called me a liar. I can't fix him/his anger. I have to work on forgiving him. And I have to work on my anxiety and fear.
I have an IC appointment at lunchtime today. More about that later. I'm so sorry he hates me. I am trying to turn the corner on forgiveness.
I want to find my *self* again. I did tell him that I still love him and want to do whatever it is he needs me to do.
