Please help me to not give up............

[grant]

Just felt the need to journal today. Not much to report. I did feel very positive since the weekend, but am feeling a bit vulnerable and tearful today. I guess I'm thinking about the weekend when my W and kids are going to a big Music festival. I will miss out on another opportunity to DB and be with my family. That sucks, but I will just have to work through it and try to do something gal to stop me spiralling into depression.

I have really been focusing on reinforcing positive thought and visualization, and I felt that it had been drawing strength to me. Got to keep that up, even though my contact is limited now. I miss her and my boys. I would so love to be at home more often, but I know I'm not wanted there.

She often questions me about what I think separation means. Perhaps because I'm acting as if, and trying not to obsess about our R, M, and OM.
She really wants to convince me that it's over, and we are separate people now.

I'm not sure what the difference is in real terms between S and D. Guess D is more final (although not for all). I'm glad she hasn't decided to file yet, and maybe if I continue to work on me and in developing our friendship and a new relationship, I can start toward new possibilities. There is no hint that she is even close to wanting to work on things, although I must be grateful for the baby steps that have occurred so far. In some ways things are so much better than they were a month ago.
I know I mustn't read anything into it, but she hugged me and called me "honey" when we parted........ something she hasn't done for a very long time.

I have only really been DBing for 6 weeks or so, and even though it's been nearly 6 months since the bomb, I know I must continue to have an unlimited supply of patience. Sometimes it just hits you again like a truck, and I begin to cry for our lost love, and for our family and life together. I know that our old R is dead, but sometimes it's hard to separate our 20 years together, and my new reality.

It's our anniversary at the end of this month, and already I'm starting to fret about how to handle it. I don't think she will like to be reminded of it, and she knows that I never forget, always get a card, flowers etc. Perhaps, as someone on here suggested, a text. But she really doesn't like texting much. Guess I'll wait and see how things develop over the next few weeks.

Oh well, onwards and upwards.......