Maxy, I'm sorry. I feel for you. I'd give you a big hug if I could.
You and I are in similar circumstances. Our partners have their minds made up. It may take some time before they change their minds, if they change their minds.
What can you do between now and then?
I still think that strangely, the impact on me, had an impact on her. She saw how hurt I was about our mess and my hurt, ... hut her, if you know what I mean. so for now I am just trying to be independent, to be strong and not hurt anymore. I know she felt a ton of pressure and guilt for the effect it all had on me, and that was a big reason she had to flee. One way or the other I have to recover without her. So that's what I'm doing.
And for you?
Quote:
I just get impatient and lonely and really want everything back the way they were. I cannot imagine old age without him !
If only, if only.... I am familiar with THAT thought process. But then I also know, we gotta deal with today, with reality, with WHAT IS. Today isn't the way things were. It's different. We gotta deal with it.
Why imagine old age like that? Be careful, when you imagine from a place of loneliness, that is the thing that can bring you down. Rolling forward in your mind and imagining all these scenarios 20 years down the road. Not helpful. How about you imagine what you'd like in 2 weeks? Maybe you'd like to be taking tennis lessons. Maybe you want to learn to salsa dance. Take it slow. Live for today. You'll find a path and be ok.
I tell you, I started imagining things without my wife. I stopped agonizing over what I don't have, what is NOT in my future, and started focusing on what I could have, what I could work toward. For example, I talked with my boys about getting a project car and working on it with them, so I am working on that. For example I started golfing. A man with young kids has no time to golf. But now I am away from the kids, so I have time. It starts with imagining.
Quote:
I feel guilty at my part and choices which resulted in the collapse of my M and possibly the loss of love of someone who truely loved me.
I'm so sorry for you Max. It's so good to accept responsibility. But please be gentle with yourself. Please don't beat yourself up. Accept responsibility, look deeply at what happened - nothing wrong with that. Easy on the guilt though. And when you are done looking deeply, then ask yourself, "OK, now what?". You are a good person who made a mistake. You coped the best you could. Now... take the next BEST step you can take.
You will not be rescued from this feeling by your husband. You need to feel good about yourself all by yourself. You need to love yourself with all your faults, without him helping you.
