So H drops D off tonight and the R talk came up again. My fault...I know, but no use crying over spilt milk. Convo went something like this:
H: You are being indifferent Me: Isn't that what you want me to be...indifferent H: Why would I want that Me: So that I don't show I care H: Are you mad at me? Me: No...well...maybe I am...not mad, but I had a counseling appointment today and my feelings are a pretty raw right now. H: Why? Me: Because it dawned on me that you must have been pretty miserable with me to give up your family, your home and the ability to see your D every day. H: I don't know why you would think not having me around is any different...you never wanted me around before and I could never tell you how I was feeling. Me: I did want you around...I just didn't show it I guess...I wish you could have told me how you felt H: You were always too stressed out about work Me: The fact that I made you feel like my work stress was more important than whatever you were experiencing saddens me H: I don't need your sarcasm Me: Oh my gosh...I am not being sarcastic at all....I truly mean that from the bottom of my heart H: I don't know who you are...you change all the time Me: I think I've been pretty consistent for a while now...you can't see I've changed? H: I see a change, but I think you have a motive Me: What motive? H: I don't know...I need to go Me: I miss you.....my counselor told me I shouldn't tell you that because it just reminds you that you don't miss me H: Your counselor is a quack Me: Is she right though? H: I don't think about it Brace yourself folks....I REALLY put the R talk into overdrive...what a dumbass! Me: So you don't see us ever being together again? H: Not right now Me: What does that mean H: I don't see myself ever coming back Me: Never? H: Never Me: Wow....you can honestly say you could never see us back together? H: I don't know what I think Me: It makes me sad that you don't want to ML anymore H: It's just too confusing Me: Because you think I'll get you to care again and then turn back into my old self H: Yep Me: You are afraid of me hurting you again H: Probably Me: I love making love with you and miss you
At this point I ask him for a kiss and he says "why". I say because I want to...we kiss....have some sexual talk...he makes mention of our last ML session. I tell him I know tonight it's too late but I want him to ML to me again....he says "maybe".
So then he leaves......sigh....I know the R talk was a bad idea...but I'm so driven to get answers and then of course I don't like them. I think the only way I can say I've improved is that I don't cry in front of him anymore. Is that progress???
Also...and Nik don't shoot me for even asking something that resembles what is he thinking...but...is this one of those cases when I should believe what he does not what he says? I ask because he went from telling me he doesn't see himself coming back to kissing me and talking about sex without skipping a beat.
