OW visiting in October

[HOPEFULinCALI]

H is well on his way to a full blown affair. Up until now I believe they have all been EA's since they are overseas. She knows he is married and lied about being divorced. It does seem to bother her a bit to keep asking about me but not enough to stop. She had the nerve to say they are just friends but yet is flying all the way from New York to California to see him. She sends him pics of herself and all they do is talk about sex and flirt. Some friend!!! I am moving back in the house in two days. Where the heck does he think she is going to stay and how is he going to explain that he is not staying in his own home or that I am living there. He has prepared himself well by making an order of Viagra.

I am going crazy. She is a 21yr. old disrepectful, stupid, immature b****. Ahhhhh! Help. If he follows through I do she how it is possible to save this M in particular because the affair is calculated. What do I do? I am tired of ignoring it.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

anyone?

[marisol35]

Hi Hopeful,

My H is also with a 21 yr old b*%ch.... She did the same thing as you described...pursued him, texting him, sending pics of herself to him, but she works at the same company he does. He moved out Aug 21st and I believe she is living their with him and his son.

If I had the chance to go back I would have confronted her and told her to stop or else. I would have told him end it or its over for us. I just held it in and didn't say anything when he would leave knowing he was going out to be with her. I would have stood up for myself but I was so hurt and so devistated that I didn't know what to do or say. I would have gotten angry instead of weeping, crying, begging.....

Now, I don't know what to do. He is out of the house, there is little to no contact, and all I can do is try to work on myself. I am still in limbo as to if I want to save my M or just be done. I love him so much but he has hurt me too many times already. I don't know if I can take much more.

I'm a newbie so I am at the beginning stages of this like yourself. I would be interested in hearing from those who have saved their M and what would they do in your sitch or my sitch...

[Babygirl]

Hugs to both of you. the ow in our marriage is also in her 20's, the nerve of them! my H also works with OW. its almost been a year since I found out, and he said just friends crap too, whatever, honest friendshipt isnt hid and lied about!! he left for a while, then came back, but i know they still see eachother every day, and i find her number on his phone at least 3 times a week, stupid you would think he would delete it! I am new here too, and dont have alot of wisdom on this yet, BUT i am learning we have to take care of US first! what has helped me, as I wont have my book til next week, is all the wonderful people here. We arent alone!
BG

[marisol35]

Hugs to you too BG!

Man what is wrong with these 20 yr old women!!! They have no respect for married people! Just wait until they are married. I truly believe in what goes around comes around.

How long was your H gone? When did he come back?

I have read Divorce Remedy if you don't have it get it and read it!! I have a few other books I have bought that I am going to read next but I definitely plan on reading DR again.

From what I have read, BabyGirl if he has come back and says he wants a R with you then he must cut off all communication with OW or else your R will not survive. He must prove to you that it is over and must start regaining your trust. Nothing should be hidden from you. He should be totally open with you about everything.

For me, I have a strong feeling that my H and OW are not going to last. Even though I know I should not snoop I still do on occasion and have seen emails that show she is insecure with their R. She keeps telling him that if he doesn't 'close doors' with me and the 1st woman he had an affair with that she is walkin because if there is no trust then there is no R. But I know he does not tell her everything. Its a R that is doomed.

I'm just trying to live day by day and focus on me and my D16. This is all that we can do at the moment.

[Hope4us]

Hopeful. I've never posted to you before, but I've been lurking over in Newcomers and always read your posts to try to get an idea where my W's head is although I haven't read the beginnings of your sitch.

I hope you don't take this wrong, but from my LBS perspective and male point of view, I'm not sure what you can do. I can tell you that in my sitch, I'm rapidly to the point of being the WAS just like your sitch. And I can say that I feel like my W has given up her right to have any say in what I do. It wasn't this way until a few months ago. I dealt with her affair and her rubbing it in my nose for so long, all the while blaming me for HER having the affair that I have just got to the point where she will have to accept a whole lot more for this marriage to have a chance than she would have just a couple months ago. And if that means it's not her, then she can only look in the mirror to see why. I've repeatedly accepted my portion of the blame for where our marriage was prior to her affair, but if she won't let go of her justifications, I'm letting go of her.

I know that doesn't help you and I'm truly sorry for what you're going through. I hope it wasn't too harsh. But again, at this point, I'm not sure what you can do other than wait it out, become the best "you" you can be and see what happens. If she's young, it won't last. That I would guarantee.

The sad part of all of this, IMHO, is just what has happened to you. I personally know of 3 other guys who's wife's walked, came back to them a certain period later, but by then it was too late for them. And now they're divorced, remarried, happier than ever and 2 of the 3's ex's are alone. The third ended up marrying the OM and he's now been cheating on her for a number of years. I can't remember if an OM is involved in your sitch originally or if you were a true WAW without an OM, but I can tell you that the pain we go through as an LBS (which I'm sure you feel now) is so great that at some point we just give up because we don't want to deal with it anymore.

Sorry if this wasn't what you were looking for. Maybe some others can help with more constructive advise. Maybe my sitch is just a little too close to your sitch that I can't help anymore.

I do feel for you. Completely understand what you're feeling.

[Babygirl]

H left the day I told him I knew, he left for a few weeks, after the first week of no contact. sometimes he still leaves and comes back, idk its confusing. I dont know how do to no contact when they work together, sigh, thats the hardest part!

My best friend just ordered the book for me, it should be here i think early next week, she paid fro priority shipping tho!

I snoop too, cant help myself, sometimes her numbers there, sometimes its not. i cant check his emails, as his email is company related, and I cant get to it, maybe thats a good thing tho lol!

[HOPEFULinCALI]

Marisol & Babygirl,

Thank you soooo much for your responses. I did confront her once and that is how she found out that we were married. I was completely respectful to her but true to form she acted like an immature brat and called ME crazy. It is so baffling to me. She isn't pretty, smart, mature, funny etc. The nerve of these little girls!!!

Hope4us,

Not harsh at all. I understand why my H became the LBS after waiting so long for me. I am truly sorry for denying him emotionally and physically as the WAW, NO OM. No excuses, I can only be a better me and a better wife.

[HOPEFULinCALI]

I believe Puppydogtails took and anti-DB approach to this particular subject. Puppy if you are out there I am interested in your point of view.

[HopefultotheEnd]

Puppy's thoughts on dealing with infidelity are not so much anti-DB as they are very firm and aggressive. I can summarize some of what he told me or you can read my threads. Really it comes down to setting firm and realistic boundary's and then following up.

You have to respect yourself before your spouse can.