We're never getting back together-How do you cope?

[native]

"It does get hard, .....Take the good with the bad and see where it gets us."

You're right. It does get really hard sometimes. I was pretty upset last night because W got snappy when I had D call before bedtime to say goodnight. W sounded irritated that we had called. (I'm trying to preserve some form of relationship for W and D, since W has been stepping away from the mother role since D was 2. It breaks my heart.)

W also complained about D after they spent Labor Day together so I could go dove hunting (a brief moment away from the world of women). D got bored of doing passive things (watched 3 movies, but this child needs physical activity each day) with her Mom and complained about it at the end of the day. W was pretty pissed off that D did not appreciate all she had planned ( they were to do a girly day, paint their nails, etc). While W was complaining about all of this, poor D is lying face down on couch with fingers in her ears because she can't bear to hear her M talk to me angrily about her.

When I tried to suggest they might have done something physically active at some point, W made excuses about money,etc,finally admitting she did not feel like it (she has low energy level, a big cause of our marital friction). Accused my and my M of spoiling D by taking her to the zoo and other activites . Said she never got to do those things, but had to make do with quietly coloring. ( I'm sure that's true, since her M was a poor divorcee for severl years, so they had little $$$ )She got really pissed at me and left.

I was tempted to fire off an angry e-mail late that night asking her if she wouldn't rather sign over full custody, as she is clearly not up for the job of caring for the child's emotional/physical needs. Fortunatly I saved it as a draft and never sent it.

After talking with a buddy of mine at work to just clear my head (I was still rather ticked off at her behavior), a moment of grace and rationality set in. I had been listening to Ellen Kreidman's program and she talked about the no.1 reason for divorce: low self esteem in marriage.

The thing is, women need positive feedback in the form of compliments in order to feel good about themselves ( I don't understand why, it just is).

So I texted W and complimented her on 'how is the smartest, hardest working woman at UNC-G doing today ?" ( Its true she is smart and works really hard, not empty flattery, but she rarely hears it from anybody)

She was amused and we chatted a bit. Later on she called me to make sure I picked up D since we didn't talk about whose turn, but really, I'm sure she knew I was doing it. I've been taking care of D for the past 2 weeks since the beginning of the semester is always an intense time for W.

Anyway, I invited her over for oven-baked chocolate chip cookies when she finished work, and she accepted.

But it gets better. She actually got the milk and the cookies and brought them to D and I from the kitchen ( She has almost never served us during our 7 yrs of marriage. I started cooking early on, and did nearly everything else once she started back to work, not because I wanted the responsibility, but because she chose to reject it.)

She even engaged D in teaching her Knock Knock jokes and we found some online and W was actually laughing and obviously enjoying herself in a family setting. That hasn't happened in over a year. My goal right now is to sincerely compliment her at least 3x a week, gradually up to 1x a day.

You can see how by not reacting with anger at her continued avoidance of her role as mother, but instead inviting her to take part in something she would like changed the outcome.

Had I sent that e-mail, I might as well have signed divorce papers.

But I was teetering on the verge of it because I was just so tired of her negative attitude towards life, me and our D.

And I had been actively flirted with by the hottest woman I have ever seen in our town the day before. I mean Southern Californian-long silky hair-supermodel late 20's hot. I needed that.

It made me realize just how vulnerable I was. It wouldn't take much for me to look into that.

But I want the best for D, and if it can be, it will be with her family of origin happy and intact.

L8r