Clearly you have every right to handle this any way you choose to do so. But I see a person who has lots of missed opportunities in their story.
But your attitude as always is to only see the glass as half empty.
No matter what anyone tries to suggest to you -- you just turn it around and start in with your usual negative-talk in response. It's kind of ironic, b/c in your own way, you're just as stubborn as your H!
And I will acknowledge, that in the end, you may very well end up being correct that nothing will ever bring your H around. But you don't know that yet.
And therefore, you could be making a huge mistake in not taking advantage of any and all opportunities you still have to change yourself and turn things around.
For instance, instead of seeing the fact that you will have to see and interact with your H almost daily as a negative...
I would suggest that you are being handed a perfect opportunity -- should you choose to use it that way -- to possibly turn things around.
An opportunity I might add, that MANY people here on DB, would give anything to have, in order to be able to DB every day.
You have admitted that in the past, while you still were lucky enough to have your H living with you -- that you did not DB very well.
That was a choice you made.
You chose to be self-indulgent by continually choosing to give in to pursuing or weepy behavior etc. And now you are again choosing -- this time to be a defeatist.
You have to fight harder for what you want!
Stop all the negative-talk and self-pity.
Stop allowing yourself to buy into your H's current seeming happiness without you. No matter what you think...he is NOT a happy man. And this story is NOT yet finished. So why have you given up so easily??
I see the opportunity to be able to interact with your H almost daily, as the Universe giving you a gift, b/c now virtually everyday you will have the chance to DB and to recreate yourself anew!
You only have to "act as if" for a few moments at a time -- so if you CHOOSE to -- you really could create a new impression with your H.
And perhaps, if you really DB well this time -- get his curiosity in high gear. Start creating some mystery. Let him start wondering why you're suddenly SO happy and busy and attractive!
I personally believe that when we want something enough -- when something is worth fighting for -- we should be willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING we can BEFORE we give up and accept defeat.
IMO you never even fought the good fight -- b/c you were never willing to get past the initial "shock and awe stage" and go into battle for your marriage. And you are still choosing to remain stuck in that stage.
But it is NOT too late b/c you are truly blessed with the ongoing opportunity to recreate yourself and force your H to see you anew.
But you will have to choose to stop giving in to the temptations of the past to beg, plead, cry etc. There is no more room or time for self-indulgence and slip ups.
You must want this enough to be constantly vigilant. You must keep your eyes focused on your long-term goal at all times.
It will take great discipline and courage -- but the potential reward is so great I cannot imagine how you would not be willing to stop with all the self-pity and for once start DBing for real.
And BTW...if you do everything and it still doesn't work out...so what?
At least you will be able to know that you truly did EVERYTHING and ANYTHING possible.
What exactly is holding you back?
Remember...you cannot be pitiful and powerful at the same time. Now is the time for you to gather courage and be willing to focus on your goal.
