So I married a sex addict...

[grant]

Oh HC,
I can so relate to what you're going through right now. I was at that point about a month ago, and it is so painful and difficult to cope with.

What I did, was to tell her in an email, in a non-confrontational way, that I could and would not listen to her constant mentioning of OP. I said something like......
"I'm sorry if I seemed to react negatively the other day, but when you talk about OP to me so often, and in such detail, I feel hurt and disrespected."

I think you need to find a way to make clear to him, that while you'll maintain a friendship for your children, you simply won't listen to him rattle on about OW, what they're plannning etc. He has got to appreciate that this hurts you deeply, and if he has any connection with your reality at all, he'll see that and back off.

Perhaps, as you suggest, it's not intentionally spiteful, and it's maybe because you have put up with everything in the past, that he's not able to appreciate the effect he is having on you now.

I have struggled with the same thing with my wife. She would talk about him, play songs from their High School days, even outwardly deliberate on whether they were compatible as zodiac star signs. It all became too much to handle, and there comes a time, that you have to make some sort of stand for your own dignity, self-respect, and sanity. She has never been mean or spiteful to me in our 20 years together, and it's a tough thing to deal with.

But I reckoned I didn't have anything to lose. Michelle talks about "walking on eggshells", which is something I was doing. It was easy to see why, because I blamed myself entirely for the break up of our M, and I was kinda prepared to almost put up with anything because of it. At least I thought I could until I got to the point where THAT part of our interaction was destroying me, and sabotaging my efforts at DBing. It was scary saying it to her, because I thought it would make things worse, but in actual fact, I think she respected me just a little for not be willing to listen to it any longer.

I thought also about this, that it might be something to do with the fact that they have a long term relationship and friendship with you, and they are just so used to sharing and having conversations, and generally being comfortable enough to be open with their thoughts. But principally because I think "The Fog" has descended upon them, and they are kind of in a bubble. I believe that sometimes they really are not aware of the pain that they cause until you point it out to them. Like you said, when your H was very apologetic. It's so easy to think "Oh come on, surely you must have known that was going to hurt me".

Maybe it's this new found, openly expressed honesty that they have, that allows them to feel that it's okay to bombard us with information we don't need to hear.


Also, they are in the throes of a new R, with it's own inherent addictive qualities and mind bending effects. They don't want move away from that at the moment, because it's their latest bit of joy in their lives. Just know that we cannot directly affect that right now. I think we just have to accept that has to run it's course, no matter how much we intensely dislike the idea of it.


They don't seem to get it......... lol

Don't feel childish and pathetic, (though it's normal, entirely justified and understandable). Take control. Tell him you don't want to talk about her, don't want to hear her name. Set boundaries. He will respect you for it, and you will feel just a teeny bit better for it too.

It's interesting about the SLA book, and also what how he reacted when he looked at the Shadows of the Net levels of addiction. I would imagine he wouldn't like it. It's a hideous thing to recognise the symptoms of your disease, so graphically and undeniably laid bare before you. When you're in denial, you run from that stuff pretty damn quick. Anything but confronting your demons, and to look at the behaviours that you have pursued. It's much easier to deny, put aside, and continue with the habits that have formed the mainstay of your life, for better or worse.

SA is every bit as addictive as alcohol or heroin addiction, and to confront it, is for many, the very last port of call.

I know you're hurting and that's why you're saying you never want to see him again.
This too will pass.

Pray for patience, courage and strength, and most of all, for the knowledge of God's will, and the power to carry it through.

Most of all, try to attract positivity to you, by not allowing yourself to spiral into hopelessness and negativity. Try to claim the day to be happy and content, even when your heart is breaking......

It will draw goodness toward you, and back into your life.

I admire your tenacity and strength in even being able to interact at all with H, and I think I have said before, that he is a lucky man to have you in his life.

I think about what you are going through and I really want to help in any way I can.
But I'm no expert, these are just my experiences, and some of the stuff that has helped me.

God bless.
Grant