Hello Dom. Welcome. I agree w/ you as well that some mothers do take that "I'm fine, so my kids will be fine too" approach. As for my W, her stance is "D will adjust. She's very adaptable." That makes me sad.
Bizarre, I may end up saying something of the sort to my W, but I won't do that now. Right now, the path my DB coach and I have set is for me to simply go dark w/ her as best as I can. I'll have to contact her in some way about seeing my D again, but I'm avoiding "small talk" w/ her and riding things out. In the end, at the 11th hour, I may very well say something just like what you suggested. If I need to do so and it still doesn't resonate, at least I can say I tried and didn't leave any cards unplayed.
However, until then, I am still sad. I need to get to the gym today to remove some of my blues. I skipped going last night which didn't help my mood.
Tonight is the 2nd night in 3 days where I've placed a call to my D only to not have W give her the message and have her call me back. I also sent a text earlier in the afternoon asking about our schedule for me to see D this weekend.
Around 10 pm, W texts back saying that D is "exhausted" from her weekend w/ me and she needs to rest and get "time w/ mommy" since I had her all last weekend. I asked for clarification and got the response that I won't be seeing her this weekend.
I replied to W telling her that as long as the house is on the market, I can only see D on the weekends, to which W's reply was "good 2 know."
I then sent two more texts, the first asking her if my not seeing D for 11 days was fair for either D or myself and the 2nd asking W if we can work together so I can see D this weekend. Both texts were received by W as I got confirmation texts back, but she ignored them both.
I placed a call to the parenting evaluator and left him a message asking if he needed anything further from me in order to help him make his ruling. I also briefly explained I was calling him b/c W is still controlling my time w/ D and has said I don't get to see her b/c I had her all last weekend.
I just e-mailed my L about this and we'll see where it goes.
I just don't understand her anger at me. I'm flawed like everyone else, but why does she have to use D as a pawn? I'm upset and sad b/c I miss my baby.
I can only pray our parenting time issue is settled very, very soon.
I'm going to bed as 5:30 will come very, very early.
I am sorry this is happening. Have some patience and pretty sure things will be settled. I dont quite understand where all this anger comes from, but your W has a lot of it. Also, your D maybe in her eyes the only way to control and affect you. I am sorry you are sad my friend. I hate the way this woman treats you. Most of all I cant believe she doesn't understand what she does, affects mostly her child. Stay strong, hopefully the ruling will be out soon and you can have scheduled visiting time with your little angel. Love K
I'm PO'd for you. I hope you get a schedule soon so that it's understood when you have her and can just go dark on your XW. My kids have know their schedule forever so it's rare that I even have to talk to my XW. It's nice. Someday you might discover that....when you learn to let go.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I'm frustrated w/ the situation as well and I can only pray for a solution to the parenting time so my W can't control and punish me by withholding my D from me. That is exactly what she's doing right now.
Phoenixdeux, I am hoping to be able to let go very soon. In fact, the sooner the better. I'm hopeful that an established parenting schedule will assist w/ this as right now I am tied up in knots. Once this schedule is set, I'll be able to figure out if the knots are due to our parenting time arrangement or if they are more created by me. Just knowing will go a long way to moving forward. I just feel stuck right now and I hate being in this place.
I did get to talk w/ D last night after leaving her a message, but W got on the phone and told me that D got in trouble for speaking "gibberish" in class and that I needed to stop doing this w/ her. I thanked her for letting me know and then she abruptly handed the phone back to D. It was pretty non-coincidental to me that D then said, "I don't feel like talking any more and I have to go." I miss my baby so much.
Other than that, I'm fighting a wonderful chest cold, so in a way it will be good to be alone as I'll be able to rest. However, I'd rather see my D than rest alone any day.
God seriously, your W is so messed up. How could she say something like that to you, to her Dad in front of her ???? What planet is she on?? And how dare she say to you that you cant talk to her like X becuase of school...who made her in charge?? She is so angry at you and taking every opportunity to be controlling. Like Jody said to me, I think this woman is punishing you and very effectively. It must be hard for you to stand up to her with the evaluation hanging in the balance, but there has to be a way to resolve this.. this is a war at the moment and she is making it like that and as Kalni says, the one that is suffering is your D. I am sure your W is acting out childhood patterns here and projecting alot of stuff and she is just not behaving well and it worries me for your D !
Thinking of you, Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I can only imagine the frustration you must be going through. I doubt I would remain as calm as you are during this trying time of not knowing when you will see your D from one day to the next.
I am so thankful that my STBXW and myself get along and coparent so well. And she even takes responsibility for the breakdown of our marriage. However, even if my W were to have a change of heart, there is no way I would ever want her back - I've come to realize she is not that worthy of being my wife. Which brings me to your W - in my opinion, she crossed the line a long time ago of being a worthwhile person to even associate with. The alienation she is doing between you and your D is sickening along with using your D as a pawn.
You seem like such a nice guy and she treats you like crap. I am pretty sure that she will continually blame you for all of her life problems. I know the day will come when you realize that there is someone much better for you out there. I've seen your picture on FB, and quite frankly, you are a good looking guy that will be a catch for many a good woman. I have to agree with Phoenixdeux in that as time goes on and you let go more, you will discover how nice it is to not deal with your frothing STBXW as often.
Good morning everyone. Thank you all for your kind words and consistent support.
Ali, you are right as my W doesn't know what she's doing. Kalni hit it on the head as she's hurting D by using D to get back at me. She is so very angry and bitter and she will be forever if she continues to only look at me as the source of her unhappiness. I may have played a part, but it is impossible for me to have done all alone.
Kerry, thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I'm still resisting the belief that W and I should be apart forever b/c I don't want this to be over. I'm still stuck w/ who she was and not who she is. My rational self knows she needs to be gone for good, but my emotional self is still resisting mightily. I guess it is a small victory that I at least know rationally that she needs to be out of my life. Now if my head can only convince my battered and bruised heart.
I got a text from W yesteday afternoon that said she didn't think it would be a good idea for D to spend time w/ me this weekend b/c D was still wrecked from our Labor Day together. I thought of responding, but said nothing instead.
I did get to talk w/ D for a few minutes last night, but our time was short. It feels to me like D is feeling pressured to not talk w/ me, but I can't prove it. She just seems uncomfortable which makes me sad.
So, I took a ton of cold medicine and went to bed early. I did send D a text before I passed out for the night telling her I loved and missed her. I'm not going to talk w/ W unless I absolutely have to.
I know I need to pull away and I'm just going to continue to work myself in that direction w/ the hope that as things clarify for me, I can begin to have more ability to pull further and further away from W.
Rob, I don't know what to say. I guess if you still love her what we say doesn't matter. I hope everything works out fine in the end for you. I so wish someone would knock some sense into your wife's head regarding you contacting your D. She has no right to do that. Your D is not a belonging, your W doesn't own her. Love K
My heart still wants her to be my W, but my head knows better. I'll be in much better shape to continue when these two get closer together. Until then, it is difficult.
However, she doesn't have the right to use D as a pawn for her anger. I can't wait for the courts to finally get this solved.
