Thanks everyone. No need for hugs here, I am doing great, but really do appreciate all the love anyway. Root, I agree, I need to Detach again. I am starting to get sucked back into the sitch and I have decided to just be thankful for the friendship we have. My heart is still open to him, but I also understand that he needs to go his own way. Does nt mean that his journey may not lead back here though, just not counting on it.
Yesterday I was feeling pretty sick and it was H night with our S. I asked him if he would mind me just hanging around the house, I would not interfer with his time or he could just take S out somewhere and have fun. They stayed here and H checked on me a couple of times to make sure I was ok and even made me diner if I wanted it. After he put S to bed came and talked to me for a few minutes about S. I told him it was getting late and I was tired so I would see him on Wed. because we had an appointment to see S pricipal due to his anxiety. Got a big hug and he left.
Today, I was dressed so darn tooten cute (very high PMA day) and was walking to the school. H pulled up next to me and rolled down the window and said, "Hey baby, how much?" I laughed and said "Well, I aint cheap but sure am easy!" He opened the car door and said he would drive me the rest of the way. While we were talking to the principal she said, "Wow, you two sure dont act like you are getting divorced. Please dont do it. I did it a few years ago and it was awful!" Can we say ACKWARD!!! Anyway, he was all cheery during and after the meeting and drove me home. Said he really appreciated the note I left him last night (Slipped a note into his laptop that said thank you for being there and helping our son. Your really are a great dad) but still felt he had a long road ahead of him before he could feel like he was good at anything. He says he is still carrying so much guilt for everything he has done. I said that I understood how he felt and that no journey was ever complete, there was always room for improvement in everyone. Smiled, gave me a hug and said he would see me tomorrow night.
I swear it is like old times, but I need to realize that we are no longer a couple. I need to just except that we are friends and that needs to just be good enough. I think it may be easier to let go of him this way than the other hurtful, hateful way we were going about it.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Only just found you from your post over on newcomers. Now that is what I call a school principal !!!!
It amazes me too, that anyone I seem to hear about who has been through D says a similar thing, don't leave a stone unturned, try anything and everything, yet my W must be speaking to different people !!!
Sounds like your H does want to come back, but really needs his space and time to work on himself. Is he on anti depressants ? going to IC ?
Arthur, thanks for stopping by. Yes he is on cembalta (sp?) and has been seeing a IC this entire time. The IC was our MC, but I thought she was awful. She is one of these "trust your feelings" kind of therapist. Um, hello, when you are in a sever depression your mind gets all messed up from the bad chemicals, trusting you feelings may not be the right answer. Still, I have to have faith that he is getting something good out of it. I know I cant be a part of his healing, this is someting he has to do on his own. I just hope when he gets out of his D he will still see that he has a family here and want to come back.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I just read a quote from a post that made me feel good. I have been wondering sometimes if by holding out hope for R I was really setting myself up and staying in denial. Then I read:
As longer as I am hurting because the M might be ending, I might as well keep fighting until it is truly over. Then, at least, I can say that I did everything I could to save us.
Wish I had kept the link to the original thread, but this is exactly how I feel as well. Just wanted to share that thought with everyone.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
and thank you for posting on my thread. I was reading your thread yestrday but didn't have time to reply. I see so many similarities, it's frightening!
Quote:
He is TERRIFIED of going back to that dark place (his words) and still feels that I am was a big factor in that depression. I
I could have written this, my H actually said it, word for word!
BTW, my H is taking sembalto (sp?) also! And during his depression he was cutting himself too, smashed a window and a large mirror with his fist. That's when he finally decided to go and see IC and got on meds.
Quote:
As longer as I am hurting because the M might be ending, I might as well keep fighting until it is truly over. Then, at least, I can say that I did everything I could to save us.
I agree but I would like to add that we can keep fighting by making ourselves happier and therefore more attractive to them, so that the darkness they dread could not be traced to us and the way we are (I used to cry a lot, for instance. H says it terrifies him to see me crying).
Also - just my 2 cents - did you think about changing your screen name? You're such a strong person, if there wasn't a Braveheart here on boards I'd suggest that name, fits you better:)
I ask not for a lighter burden, but for broader shoulders ____________________________________________________ M 46 H 45 D 17 M/T 23 Bomb #1 (ILYBNILWY) 12.06 Bomb #2 (OW) 12.07 Bomb #3 (chose OW over M) 9.08
Hello All. I just wanted to check in with everyone and talk about what happend this weekend. I am sad to say that I truly believe that I am now going to need to move my thread to divorced. I did this to myself, I know. I started to see all these little signs and instead of just appreciating them for what they were, I wanted to see signs that they were something else. I found out H decided to spend Friday night over at the OW house. He has decided to continue that relationship even though he still says "This is not a relationship. I am very passive with any progression that may occur, but I do feel connected to her." WTH? He has NO intent on ever trying to fix anything between us because he just does not feel the love. I did everything you are not suppose to do once again.....tried to reason with him about how love can grow, tried to use guilt - how can you possible feel good about yourself leaving me while I have cancer....and even threw in the - your decision has made your son suicidal and yet you wont even try one last time. Was not my finest moment. There was no anger when I talked to him, it was all said in a calm voice. To tell you the truth, when I found out he was still with her, it hurt a little, but it was more of just a disappointed feeling. Like, I cant believe he is still chosing to screw up his life in this way. Nothing I can do to help him, but I sure can help me. I have decided that I just cant hold onto this anymore. It is not healthy for me to be looking at every action and hoping it might mean something.
After a long talk with my brother, I have come to a calmer place once again. I see that I have been making accuses for his behavior by labling him MLC. I kept thinking that this would pass and then we could just fix the damage that he made and move on to a better relationship. I need to stop that and see it as this is who he is NOW and I dont what that kind of person in my life. He lies, he cheats, he puts his needs above everyone - including his son. He has chosen someone who is very messed up as well, that should say where his mind is at. He is no longer good enough to be my partner because he is not capable of being a partner, just a taker.
I will continue to be kind towards him, he is my S's father, but I am no longer going to make ANY attempts to connect to him. Here is the really messed up thing - he told me that he had not been physical with her since May but it started back up when I moved back. Here he was doing all of these kind things with me and then going back a establishing a relationship with her - can you say GUILT? So, here I am once again letting go. But this time I am truly walking away. He will not be able to suck me in that way anymore. He left me, he does not get to have a special connection to me. I can not handle that in a healthy way. The only way we would ever have a chance was if he came begging to work on us, and since I dont see that happening I have to look towards my own future.
I know I have to let him go. I cant let him think that he is a good guy because now we are friends and he gets to have hugs from me. I told myself that if he did this to me - tried to pull me in, lied to me then pull the rug out from under me, I would close the door. It is hard to do, but not nearly as hard as I thought it was going to be. I thought he was getting better, but I too was just a different kind of bandaid to him - the "See, I'm not such a bad guy because my W can still be my friend. I must be something special." Well, no you arent special, I am because I forgave you and tried to help you despite how yu treated me and your son. One day he will wake up see how truly awful he is. I bet that day is REALLY gonna hurt.
So, here I am feeling that I have had enough lies and my heart cant take it anymore. We have a mediation appointment on Sept 15th and I am no longer scared to go. I am droping the rope that was my lifeline to him.....he has to now be on his own. I will not be mean or cold towards him, just completely indifferent for my own sake. Thank you everyone for all of the support you gave me. I truly did believe I was going to ba a success but after hearing his words and seeing his recent actions, I was foolong myself. Now is the time to heal the rest of the way.
Thanks again one and all.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I am sorry it has come to this, but you cannot be tied to an albatross. You have a lot of work to do to survive and to help your son in his struggles. What concerns me most in your letter is that you say your son is suicidal. Is this true? What are you doing to deal with this?
