Oh, I am definitely losing it. I'm losing all connection to reality, life the universe and everything. My counselor was a little worried about me from the e-mail I sent her. Now I feel badly. I'm not suicidal in any way shape or form. That doesn't mean that sometimes I'm not in danger of cracking and going catatonic. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration also.
Maybe all that I'm in danger of is letting the kids see me losing my composure and torturing myself with the inability to shut my brain off. Does acid help with that? Just kidding. Alcohol is the only drug I've ever done and I'm thinking to keep it that way.
What I need is a nice long cleansing cathartic expulsion of saline accompanied by sinus swelling and other assorted ocular irritations which will leave me at the end completely and utterly spent and then true peace and contentment can find a home in the resulting empty vessel.
Or, I need to be dropped naked 100 miles into the wilderness. It's funny how crap like what we are all dealing with is only possible once you've climbed up Maslow's hierarchy a couple of levels.
Dealing with this stuff has started to effect work and so I've got to get my mind back into things on the job and part of that solution is exacerbating our finances when we got hit with a new financial load and there just isn't any more money in the budget.
I'm taking tomorrow and Friday off to perhaps talk to an attorney and to spend time curled up in a dark corner healing.
I don't know when I'll get a chance to talk to W about what's she's been up to, what I've been up to, where we are now, where we are going etc.
Hopefully my counselor will have some good input into things.
Hey Dan. I'm glad you're taking a couple days off. It's hard to find healing on those days that hurt so bad. One day I went and had a pedicure then a massage, and you know what?...I still felt like crap. I'm thinking about taking yoga. Maybe if I knew some constructive way to refocus my brain, it might help. Of course, the dark corner is pretty healing. Take care.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
I actually think that the worst is behind me. My normal pattern is to go round and round and round until I feel like there is no possible way I can survive and then I wake up and I've grown to where I can handle it. Yesterday I was still in the hurricane. Today, I've grown higher.
I've accepted as fact that she is busy with 2 OM and while I'm not OK with that, I understand it too. Sunday afternoon I was on the phone for a good 2 hours with a friend and he was telling me about a movie Ordinary People. In the movie, two young brothers are out in the sailboat when a storm comes and capsizes the boat and the younger brother can't hang on and he drowns. Later the older brother is in therapy and the counselor asks him why he is beating himself up because he was stronger than his brother. My friend asked me why I was beating myself up for being stronger than my W. This really gave me something to think about because she stuck with me for a lot of years when things were pretty bad for her and she was basically just an empty shell of a person. I'm sure that she didn't intend to be where she is, but, she was hurting and one thing lead to another. Also, I can only imagine the mental gymnastics that she has to do to rationalize and reconcile her behavior with who she is when not abducted by aliens. She is having a MLC. She is in the middle of finding herself and life again.
I don't know if we can ever rebuild a new relationship, but, I'm pretty certain that if we can it will be after we at least have a LS which in Colorado is a divorce except that you can't remarry. I'm heartened by Jen's success while acknowledging that her H isn't afaik engaged in a PA with the OW.
One thing that worries me is considering how she might be rationalizing things and how those rationalizations might be obstacles to a new relationship. For example, I imagine that she rationalizes her behavior by thinking that we are already done and she's only staying around to protect the kids and me until I realize that all of my work isn't changing anything. Also, I believe that at some level she has to manage guilt over her unfaithfulness in the face of my faithfulness and I worry that will be a significant obstacle to things.
Dan, get out of my head and stopping thinking the exact same things I do before I do them man. I feel you about the damn OM. hey man all I need is gps coordinates and your problems are solved, I could be in CO is a little over 1.5 hours I too very much worry about her guilt and the fact that before she cheated we were each others only partners. I would have no issues moving on and not caring that the gal had partners before me but something about accepting my W old BF that were after the M sure is hard to take, but its all good since she don't want nothing to do with me it releases me from that and I am free to be the best man I can be, and hope that once she works on her self she does it so well that no OM will even matter.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
OH JWS, I do at times feel like we've got a vulcan mindmeld going on.
Thanks for the offer, and you can just chalk it up as a training run I've been down the dark path where I started channeling my inner sniper.
I've been to the abyss a few times and I keep that part of me quietly asleep against that day. Well, one day on the way home from work, I started getting angry for the first time. I knew I was going to a bad place, but, I wanted to go there. I called some friends that have similar pasts and my friend talked me down. I'm better now.
my W and I had a pretty funny conversation about the ways we had thought of to off each other!! hows that for dark. she even offered to help draw up my defense before I wack her. we are both way to into mob stories. The way i see it the more people who know my dark little plans is a grantee that I would never do it, the whole world would be witness against me. not to mention I never would anyways its all in good, (sick and dark) fun.
Me 27, W26 T-12 M-4 SEP 4/29/08 Holding 250 miles Awaiting Support Current
I too very much worry about her guilt and the fact that before she cheated we were each others only partners. I would have no issues moving on and not caring that the gal had partners before me but something about accepting my W old BF that were after the M sure is hard to take, but its all good since she don't want nothing to do with me it releases me from that and I am free to be the best man I can be, and hope that once she works on her self she does it so well that no OM will even matter.