I just read this thread, and I am so happy to see that others have the same difficulties as I do when it comes to healing.
My H and I are trying to piece for the 3rd time (4th time if you count our origonal M as the first try). He has been reconnecting wiht me since about May '08, almost 4 months now. He is very loving and sex is great. However he is still at the bars a lot, since he first left he became an alcoholic.
He also is still living seperately in his own apartment (that he hates) but he seems to have no desire to move back in with me. It is so hard for us to fully reconnect when he is always away from me and at the bars. I know he still looks at other women a lot too.
Our R seems to be great, but there are choices he still makes that just drive me crazy. I also dont know how to rebuild trust in him. Everyday, I go crazy because I fear that he is meeting another women at the bars (he first left me for a stripper- EA).
I am so glad that we are working on our M, but I feel like none of my needs and desires are being met. He drinks way too much, goes out drinking alone alot, he is always flirting with other women, doesnt want to move back in with me, he is always talking negatively about M in general and how "its an institution", doesnt want to ever come around my family or our old friends any more, and he acts like his new friends are the world to him.
I go to all family and friend gatherings alone now, I am strapped for money since we live apart, and I had to go bail him out from almost getting a DWI last night at 3:30 in the morning. When will my needs be met???
Is anyone else feeling like this? Do your partners seem to still be in MLC or confused even though they tell you they want to work on the M? TIPPER
W D6 and I had a nice family day out at an out of town shopping mall,when I think about it this is how things should be. On the drive home W tells me that We will be alright in the future to which I agreed. Then she tells me that shes working 2 jobs now cos we need the money, she also said that she hopes to be able to share some of her extra money with me if things get tight. Well things are tight already but thats another matter, but it was just nice to have a family day together and not worry too much about any thing in particular.
I just had a nice evening in the City with W and D6, Pizza and a ride on the City attraction, the giant Ferris wheel. As we walking back to the tram for the ride home, W said to me "You know Lan you've changed a lot" I asked her in what way. "Well, you don't dither anymore, you're prepared to get up and do new things, and you've lost your can't be arsed, can't be bothered attitude". "For instance, you've just taken D6 and I out tonight, the Ferris wheel which has been here 6 years, we've just taken a ride without any discussion about how much it will cost and is it worth it". We've been out at the weekend and you go out and do things like book the trip to Barcelona, it's all nice, I like the way you are.
Well I couldn't do much more than beam with a sense of pride and just say to W "Well that's how I am now". So I must be doing something right, which is still catching her attention.
As she said to me at the weekend "We are gonna make it".I think that's her way of showing commitment.
Lanzo - Just catching up. Doing well buddy, keep going.
I'm 7 months in, 5 from finding DB and I am in a head spin having been moved out for 2 weeks. Mum back tomorrow, so not sure how much longer I'm going to stay there. Current plan is for 3 more weeks then got a week at a friends while they on hols, assuming my W will let me stay at home overnight when she has nights out until we sort things out. She has agreed that for this Saturday and I will then take the boys out all day Sunday.
How long were you out the house when you moved ? 2 months I think
Why did you move back again ? Asked ? or just it was your home and you didn't feel comfortable at your sisters ?
How long would you imagine the complete nastiness lasted from the bomb ?
Oh, how long have you been married ? and do you believe there is any theory in a timeline against the lengh of time married or lengh of time WAS has been having this pain ? read somewhere 1 month for every year married for example, which would mean I've done my time !! lol
I moved out of the house for 2 months and I used this time to trurly detach from W, go "cold turkey" so to speak. A lot had gone on between us in the previous 3 - 4 years, but at this point W had reacquainted herself with OM who she had a one night stand with 18 months earlier. Why did I move back ? well the good advice I was getting from this board was if you haven't given up on your M then the only way to work on things is to be in the house with W. Plus my sister was getting fed up of me. But I couldn't have worked on things if I hadn't moved out in the first place. How did I go about moving back ? I just told W that I was moving back, simple as that. However I gave her plenty of space when I came back and slept in the spare room.
After I moved back the one thing I did (as advised in the book) was to avoid all R talk. Initially W would talk about getting a D, but she would do this as a scare tactic, but once she could see that I wasn't openly fighting to convince her that a D was the wrong thing to do then she stopped talking about it. In the main when I was around W I would act as if, however I did have many teary moments when on my own.
On the nastiness from W, to be honest that will be there while she's involved with OM, and while she can see you still want the M. Asking her why can't she be nice just fuels the anger. Your best bet on that front is just to accept your M is over and get on with your self. "Work on yourself" is a massive cliche but it's what you've got to do. Hard as it is you've just got to let W get on with what she's doing cos if she wants to **** with other young men then she's gonna do it.
Whether your W is having a MLC or she's just unhappy with her current life is open to debate, but the quote of 1 year of turmoil for every year of marriage is just a guide, every sitch is different. I believe your sitch is salvageable but the only person who can steer that course is you. Less focus on W and more on you is the way forward, even stop idle discussions on D and solicitors, if you talk on that stuff do it cos you are both heading for a D. I think if you stop talking about it, W will stop talking about it, but she'll bring it up to throw you off guard or to upset you if the two of you appear to be getting on.
Last thing Arthur, you said a short time ago that you didn't know how myself and others could take their W's back after they had strayed and you didn't think you would be able to do it. Well here you are in turmoil and prepared to take you W back. Like you I didn't think I could take W back, but in these situations you learn a lot about yourself, it's a tough process but I think you have the wherewithal to pull through.
Take care
Me:50 W: 49 T:20yrs M: 14 yrs D:11 2005 PA 2006: EA (2003 : 2007) 2007: April ILYBNILWY Aug PA, Sept Separate 2008: Feb Piecing 2009 Limbo 2011: Separated (same house) 2013: Divorcing
TY Lanzo, great post. I think I will stay at my parent for another couple of weeks to completely detach, then maybe do as you did and move back. however, I will move into the (internal) garage on a matress I think.
Will think more once another couple of weeks have passed. In all honesty, it's still very early days in my mind. Yes it started later January, but I've only moved out for 2 weeks now, plus a fews nights previous to that.
I do agree you need to be in the house have a better chance, but my w has sent solicitors letters threatening court action to get me out. Nice that my W speaks to her solicitor a lot to tell them i'd been gone a week when i recieved that letter.
I do feel she still has feelings for me sometimes, but I honestly don't know for sure. We are supposed to be booking Euro Disney together for probably october time, so maybe that might be a bit of a breakthrough, I don't know.
as you can probably get from the above, I'm still thinking to much of her, but i am more detached than I have been. no longer argue, heated debate is as bad as it gets, but i must stop that. She is very hard to keep from R or more D talk.
W and I getting on fine although she is still staying at IL's for now while the work is on going on the house. Even while she's there she still knows how to create drama with the neighbours, but hey I just stay out of that.
Work on the house is dragging on and is well over budget, another trip to the bank is planned, not sure if they can help again but we'll see.
Overall W is happy cos she feels she's contributing by working 2 jobs, I am reasonably happy, but I would feel better if our finances were in better shape.
