2 steps forward, 3 back

[HSSweetheart]

How is it that some friends are kinder than my H now? Really saddens me, but I am thankful for my friends that have stuck by me in rough times. I am not the person I once was, not sure I will ever be again. This has been a tough road not getting any easier.

[HSSweetheart]

He just came by to get the kids. Says he will bring the paper to sign in the morning so be ready. He asked me what shirt I took from his house. His father of course told him. I opened my trunk and he took it. I said I just wanted to smell it, a souveneir and I saw him roll his eyes. I said don't roll your eyes, I didn't hurt it did I? God I seem pathetic, don't I? I wouldn't have kept it. Just wanted something of his. He said he had a concert last night, I asked him how it was. He gave me brief details. Said he missed one group as he was drinking in the parking lot. I am sure he went with his usual group.

He saw that D8's bike from his house was here and asked why. She told him we got it this morning and left her other one there to inflate the tire. He was annoyed, said someone should have told him and he would have done it. I said she wanted it to ride with me on my walk. Doesn't like the other bike. He took S12's bike with him but didn't have any more room. Had groceries. Funny, it is 3 pm and he's already been shopping and here, when the heck does he work? Only goes in at 8 am. Seems he is always out early. Whatever.

[HSSweetheart]

Had a bad week, laying low with my tail between my legs. Signed the D receipt paper for him this morning. He didn't say anything, luckily. I thought I might get a tongue lashing in person. So glad I did not. I hope over time he will calm down. We'll see. He can't stay mad at me forever. I hope. Even if I can no longer be his wife I would still like to be a friend, or at least civil, if that is even possible. But for him it seems he wants me as far away as possible, like being near me is a threat to his new life or something. I have told him for 3 yrs now that I don't consider him an enemy and I don't ever want him to consider me one. Thinking about just rolling over and agreeing to what he wants in the D. Might make it easier to do it now than wait. But I don't know how I'll afford a lawyer. Sigh...They don't make life for single income families anymore. I wish I was in the 50's.

[brandnewday]

Have you thought about maybe taking some meds?

I think they will help you to take the edge off of things, and help you not to react and able to cope.

Yes this is painful, but your Husband is NOT your life.

You need to be strong for the sake of your kids, especially if your Husband is going to be nasty and an issue of custody comes up.

HSS, if you don't get a grip, things are going to get worse.

Stealing t-shirts is pretty borderline....

(((hugs)))

[sgctxok]

HSS..

I agree about the meds. They did that for me....and BND is right...these actions make things worse.

I KNOW you can do it. You just can't allow yourself any other option.

No one was more pathetic than me when I was in the worst of it with the guy I came to the board for. And if I can come out on the other side....YOU CAN TOO. But you have to do it.

You must do a 180 to get him back.

That means...........the COMPLETE OPPOSITE....reverse the rejection. Not a LITTLE different....THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what you are doing.




When you do these things, you literally shove him away. He can't possibly come back when you do those things. BUT HE COULD if you TURNED it upside down.

[HSSweetheart]

I have gotten on the meds. Never sure if they really work or not. I do not believe he will return, he has said so a million times. He called me a psycho and said to leave his stuff alone. I threw away some pics I found of the GF. That really set him off. I knew it was wrong when I did it. If only I could take it back. But I am taking the high road from this point on. He took the kids camping for the weekend. Didn't say anything to me while picking them up but as I said he didn't say anything nasty either. Someone reminded me of that positive. So I am going to try and stay out of contact. Seems he is staying out of mine, he wouldn't answer a text regarding camping. He'll come around, it will just take time. But I will still continue and GAL. I was out last night late with friends from my support group, out for dinner tonite with a friend and then back with my group for a comedy club. Did my 4 mile walk this morning with a friend. Keeping busy.

School starts this week, not sure what new changes that will bring. We will have to communicate about it I am sure. We haven't even bought supplies or anything.

I guess I put my eggs all in one basket and now I am paying for it. He wants the D sooner rather than later or he says he will make things difficult. Threatened me by text that I should pay attention to my kids or I will lose them too or something like that. I told him threats don't help.

[HSSweetheart]

H was civil yesterday when I picked up D8. Though I had texted him and she called saying he said not to text him he has no minutes left or something. When I talked to him today he suggested we switch nights so that I have them the day before school starts so that I can get them ready for the first day of school. He says since they are older he doesn't feel he should be here for it. I said that was up to him. Personally I wouldn't miss it, but that's just me. I made sure to sound upbeat, he mentioned something about gas and I said I don't know why you would say that, gas is cheap.....making a joke. But I made it brief and to the point basically. He doesn't seem to be answering when I call, that's why I had texted. Plus less contact is less painful generally.

[HSSweetheart]

H called me at work yesterday. The neighbor had watched the kids for me. Apparently D8 was picking on s12 because he has a bad pimple on his nose and lots of breakout-great for the first day of school, poor kid. Anyway, she busted on him all day and H was furious. He screamed at her until she was crying, something she never does with me, and I took her cell phone away. I made her write him a letter of apology last night. I was glad he felt he could call me to let me know of her behavior. That is one place where we are on the same page, she is quite strong willed and hard to parent. S12 is pretty easy going.

So off to school today for them. I took pictures, H didn't come over but called to wish them well. Another journey begun...

[cat03]

about H being angry, during the LS paperwork stbx was the biggest a-hole ever, even told me a few choice words and to drop dead. Fast forward to now we get along, talk normal and he thinks I'm his friend (yea right, he's more like a business associate to me, the business being the kids) So dont' sweat it hon, dont' take everything personally, hopefully he'll act like a human being in the future.

About the D, do NOT sign anything without a L seeing it!! what did you just sign? I also got the "get your L my L will make you sign xzy", it is crazy talk hon. Can you give me a summary of the financial/house sitch? I was able to refinance my home, pay him off and kept the house, it was so worth it.
And I'm afraid you are coming off as controlling, it is hard to let go and hard to stop resisting, but you must MUST realize that your life didnt' end with him leaving, that there is more to life than being M to him.

These paragraphs are from my fav book, "eat love and pray", they are powerful:
===============================================

I am assuming custodial responsibility for the maintenance of my own soul.

I can choose how I regard unfortunate events in my life, where I see them as curses or opportunities.

When I'm feeling too da*m sorry for my self I can choose to change my outlook, my words, the tone of my voice and how I talk to others.

You need to learn how to select your words just like you select what clothes are you going to wear everyday, this is a power you can cultivate.

If you want to control things in your life so bad work on the mind, that's the only thing you should be trying to control anyway. Drop everything else, because if you can't master your thinking you are in deep trouble forever.
This is not about repression or denial, admit to the existence of negative thoughts and understand where they are coming from and with great forgiveness, dismiss them. It is a sacrifice to let them go, it's a loss of old habits, it takes practice and effort, it's constant vigilance, some thing you need to do this for yourself.

I will not harbor unhealthy thoughts anymore. Harbor is a noun, it is a port of entry, place of refuge. Your mind is a harbor. It's an open bay with access to an island, yourself. You may not come here anymore with your slave ships of unhealthy thoughts, they will all be turned away, all malcontents, you may not come here, angry and starving exiles, cannibalistic thoughts will not be received. This is a peaceful harbor, the entry way to a fine and proud island which is now starting to cultivate tranquility. If you can abide by this new laws, my dear thoughts, then you are welcome in my mind. Otherwise, I shall turn you all toward the sea from hence you came, that is my mission and it will never end.

Longing and control, that's what your mind is fighting about.

Prayer is a relationship. Half the benefit of prayer is in the asking itself.

[HSSweetheart]

I just signed a paper saying I rec'd the D paperwork. DId talk to a lawyer, she said it meant nothing.

He is getting 1/2 my 401/403 B money. (he hates when I say my)
He is also getting 1/2 the house - says he will wait on some of the money for a future date so I can stay here, unless I drag it out for the full 2 yrs then all bets are off. And 50% custody, so no child support or alimony for me.

So basically I am going to try to pay him the 401 money plus around 10,000 if I can and then re-finance the rest through a new mortgage no later than 10 or so years from now when our current mort is more paid off.

I have been pretty good the past week. He has talked to me regarding the kids and school, etc. I picked them up on Tues from his house and saw GF's car and didn't freak out. Telling myself now I can outlive her, she is a transition person. It works for me for now to handle things. Staying positive when talking to him. Any other tips?