W and I moving forward trying not to look back #4

[Lanzo]

Hi Arthur,


I moved out of the house for 2 months and I used this time to trurly detach from W, go "cold turkey" so to speak. A lot had gone on between us in the previous 3 - 4 years, but at this point W had reacquainted herself with OM who she had a one night stand with 18 months earlier. Why did I move back ? well the good advice I was getting from this board was if you haven't given up on your M then the only way to work on things is to be in the house with W. Plus my sister was getting fed up of me. But I couldn't have worked on things if I hadn't moved out in the first place. How did I go about moving back ? I just told W that I was moving back, simple as that. However I gave her plenty of space when I came back and slept in the spare room.

After I moved back the one thing I did (as advised in the book) was to avoid all R talk. Initially W would talk about getting a D, but she would do this as a scare tactic, but once she could see that I wasn't openly fighting to convince her that a D was the wrong thing to do then she stopped talking about it. In the main when I was around W I would act as if, however I did have many teary moments when on my own.

On the nastiness from W, to be honest that will be there while she's involved with OM, and while she can see you still want the M. Asking her why can't she be nice just fuels the anger. Your best bet on that front is just to accept your M is over and get on with your self. "Work on yourself" is a massive cliche but it's what you've got to do. Hard as it is you've just got to let W get on with what she's doing cos if she wants to **** with other young men then she's gonna do it.

Whether your W is having a MLC or she's just unhappy with her current life is open to debate, but the quote of 1 year of turmoil for every year of marriage is just a guide, every sitch is different. I believe your sitch is salvageable but the only person who can steer that course is you. Less focus on W and more on you is the way forward, even stop idle discussions on D and solicitors, if you talk on that stuff do it cos you are both heading for a D. I think if you stop talking about it, W will stop talking about it, but she'll bring it up to throw you off guard or to upset you if the two of you appear to be getting on.

Last thing Arthur, you said a short time ago that you didn't know how myself and others could take their W's back after they had strayed and you didn't think you would be able to do it. Well here you are in turmoil and prepared to take you W back. Like you I didn't think I could take W back, but in these situations you learn a lot about yourself, it's a tough process but I think you have the wherewithal to pull through.

Take care