I actually think that the worst is behind me. My normal pattern is to go round and round and round until I feel like there is no possible way I can survive and then I wake up and I've grown to where I can handle it. Yesterday I was still in the hurricane. Today, I've grown higher.
I've accepted as fact that she is busy with 2 OM and while I'm not OK with that, I understand it too. Sunday afternoon I was on the phone for a good 2 hours with a friend and he was telling me about a movie Ordinary People. In the movie, two young brothers are out in the sailboat when a storm comes and capsizes the boat and the younger brother can't hang on and he drowns. Later the older brother is in therapy and the counselor asks him why he is beating himself up because he was stronger than his brother. My friend asked me why I was beating myself up for being stronger than my W. This really gave me something to think about because she stuck with me for a lot of years when things were pretty bad for her and she was basically just an empty shell of a person. I'm sure that she didn't intend to be where she is, but, she was hurting and one thing lead to another. Also, I can only imagine the mental gymnastics that she has to do to rationalize and reconcile her behavior with who she is when not abducted by aliens. She is having a MLC. She is in the middle of finding herself and life again.
I don't know if we can ever rebuild a new relationship, but, I'm pretty certain that if we can it will be after we at least have a LS which in Colorado is a divorce except that you can't remarry. I'm heartened by Jen's success while acknowledging that her H isn't afaik engaged in a PA with the OW.
One thing that worries me is considering how she might be rationalizing things and how those rationalizations might be obstacles to a new relationship. For example, I imagine that she rationalizes her behavior by thinking that we are already done and she's only staying around to protect the kids and me until I realize that all of my work isn't changing anything. Also, I believe that at some level she has to manage guilt over her unfaithfulness in the face of my faithfulness and I worry that will be a significant obstacle to things.
