Two affairs in 5 months....

[saffie]

marisol,

I was never separated from my H. It got pretty close but didn't actually get that far.

I was very lucky in that I never found out about H's A - he told me about it. Apparently he had been dropping hints etc for a while....and I trusted him so much, (or as he saw it - cared about him so little), I didn't pick up on his clues.

After he owned up about the A we had an awful week when we didn't know really what was going to happen - would he stay or would he go? Everything was in the balance. and then it sort of got sorted.....having said that, making the decision to stay together is only the very beginning.

I have been very lucky in that once my H was absolutely certain that I DID love him, and that we had just grown apart and stopped communicating, he recommitted 100% to our M. Even then I have found the journey hard.

We have both been up front about owning our parts in the breakdown of the M- that has helped a lot. My H may have been the one that had the A, but he only did that because he felt so alone and was looking for companionship. He wasn't even looking for sex - that was something OW was pushing for and actually my H had a problem with that. Once I became his 'friend' again, he was happy. He and I had just gotten to a really bad place when it came to communicating what we felt to each other; we existed rather than living - I hope that makes sense.

I have had a lot of sessions with a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist over the last couple of years and the sessions have helped our M no end. Without that I would still be drugged up on AD's etc. and I probably would no longer be married. My therapist taught me much better ways of dealing with things in my life.

Even at my darkest moments...and there were some pretty bad ones.....I knew I loved my H and I thought back to how we had been when I met him and we fell in love. It reminded me that he and I COULD complement each other well when we were acting in a healthy way. It gave me hope. When I thought he was going to leave and go be with OW I felt like my heart was being ripped out and ultimately that made me fight harder. In my sitch NOT communicating with my H and telling him how much I loved him was a big thing, so my 180 was to let him know. I believe that in my sitch, if I had tried going dark, it wouldn't have worked....because I was already dark. I had to change what I was doing. That's what I think DBing is essentially about for me....if you are pursuing a course of action and it isn't working, then review what you are doing.